A Conversation With Vader
by Smenzer
Summary: A crazy zany story similar to Pranks. Vader has problems with Han, Luke, Leia, Palpy, Mace, Yoda, Shmi, Prince Xizor, ObiWan, QuiGon, Padme and almost every SW character! VERY FUNNY! Read & Review!
1. Default Chapter

Title: A Conversation With Vader

Author: Smenzer

Rating: PG

Pairing: Han/Leia 

Archive: Yes, please. Let me know if you take it, OK?

Teaser: Han's reaction when he finds out Vader is his father-in-law

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine. They belong to George Lucas, Lucasfilm Ltd and Fox Studios. I'm just borrowing them for fun.

Han strolled through the grungy streets of some backwater spaceport, trash blowing down the street thanks to a brisk wind. Broken windows and graffiti marked most of the two floor buildings. Like the usual places he hung out in the old days before he met the Princess, it was filled with all the dangerous low-life scum the galaxy had to offer. There were assassins, smugglers and people who would kill you for a handful of spare credits. Not that Han had any credits to spare. And that was why he was here.

A few days ago he had been contacted by some mysterious person that had some cargo for him to ferry, promising a quick easy job. Of course, Han knew there was no such thing as a quick and easy job, not these days anyway. The cargo was probably illegal: spice or perhaps weapons. No doubt he'd have to avoid the Imperials and that was getting harder and harder. Ever since he met that old man and the kid, he'd gotten mixed up in the whole Rebellion thing. His name had gotten on the Emperor's "Ten Most Wanted List". Well, Luke was a bigger reward out for Luke but there were just too many Star Destroyers out there hunting for the Falcon. But a guy has got to eat so here he is.

"This had better be worth it." Han mumbled as he pushed open the door to a seedy bar. He scanned the dark interior, and then stepped inside. There weren't many people that would attack him, but still, a guy had to be careful. The place was filled with the usual assortment of creeps, weird aliens and a few things even he had never seen before. One practically ugly human male with a head full of angry red scars and a patch over his right eye served drinks behind the sticky bar. All in all, Han felt right at home. Ordering a drink, Han slouched in a booth near the back, his eyes on the exits and one hand on his blaster.

After sitting there for a few brief moments, Han began to feel uneasy. "There's something wrong here. The people are acting funny."

The usual rough and bawdy behavior was missing. There were no fistfights, arguments over gambling, laughing or anything. People were mainly just sitting at tables or at the bar nursing their drinks. Either something was seriously wrong here or these people were all depressed. "I'm loosing my touch if I didn't notice this earlier."

HO-PAH. HO-PAH. HO-PAH.

Han's spine straightened instantly at the loud sound right behind him. He knew that sound, that awful loud breathing. Darth Vader walked into Han's view and the sight of his black breath mask sent chills through the smuggler's body. His mind raced through the possibilities. He could shoot Vader with his blaster but he had already learned that didn't do anything. Vader would just stop the bolt with his hand. He could try to bolt past the Sith Lord, but the place was probably surrounded by stormtroopers. Vader must be getting better at hiding his troops because he hadn't seen any evidence of Imperials in the area at all. That only left one possibility: playing it cool. "Guess you finally got some stormtroopers with brains."

"I have finally caught you at last, General Solo." Darth Vader said as he stood next to the booth Han was sitting in.

"Yeah, and I'm real glad to see you too." Han made a point of relaxing, slouching a bit lower in his seat so he could prop his feet up. Inside, he felt anything but relaxed. "And now you can go. You're scaring away my client and unlike others I need to work to make a living."

"I am the one that called you hear, Solo." Vader spoke.

"Fodder! I knew there were always problems with these jobs." Han grumbled. He knew he was in serious trouble and there was little chance of escaping. The only question left unanswered was why he wasn't already in custody with cuffs around his wrists. "So, what do you want? And don't tell me you want Luke because I'm not stupid enough to hand him over."

"I heard that you have a romantic relationship with Princess Leia." 

"Huh?" Han's mouth dropped open in confusion. Han lowered his feet back to the floor and sat upright, staring at the Sith Lord. "Yeah, so? What has that got to do with anything? Wouldn't you want to know something more important, like Rebel Alliance secrets or illegal cargo or something?"

"Leia is my daughter."

"Your daughter?" Han snorted. "That's insane! Leia isn't your daughter any more than Luke is your son!"

"So Luke told you?"

"Told me what?" Han asked, his brow wrinkling. This was getting more and more confusing by the moment!

"That he's my son."

"Look, I don't know where you're getting these crazy ideas or what you're up to, but why don't you go pester someone else? OK? And since you're not a real client I'll have to go find some other cargo to transport. I got a Princess to take care of, you know. And you, stay away from Leia!" Han started to get up but Vader pushed him back down.

"We are not finished with our conversation, General Solo. If you insist on not cooperating we can hold it elsewhere, like the holding cell on the Executor."

"All right, all right! Don't be getting hotheaded." Han eased himself back into the booth. "But I still don't know what you want."

"You are interested in Leia?"

"Yes." Han couldn't believe it. Darth Vader was actually trying to hold one of those conversations with him, that kind where the girl's father asked the boyfriend questions! He sank down into the seat, rubbing his face with a hand. "I need another drink."

Within a few moments a strong drink was placed in front of him, the terrified waitress quickly escaping back to the false safety of the bar. Han eagerly took a big gulp. "Look, this is crazy. Leia can't be your daughter!"

"And why is that, General Solo?"

"Well, look at you!" Han blurted out. He realized what he said and quickly raised his hands to calm Vader. "No disrespect intended, but in order to have kids you'd have to be married and well, you know…."

"I didn't always look as I do now."

"So you're saying you're married?" Han asked, his mouth hanging open once again. The idea of Darth Vader being married, why, it was unbelievable! Reaching for the glass, he took another sip. The fear of arrest was slipping away as the conversation became more interesting. If anyone would have told him that he would one day sit in a bar with Lord Vader discussing Vader's personal life he would have said they were totally nuts.

"Yes, I loved my wife. Are your intentions toward my daughter honorable?" 

"Let me get this straight. You work for the Empire, go around choking people and you want to know if my attentions are honorable?" Han laughed. "You know this sounds really crazy!"

"Believe it or not, Solo, but Leia IS my daughter."

"No wonder she's so fussy." Han muttered underneath his breath. "OK, say I believe you and she is your daughter. In fact, maybe that makes a bit of sense. No wonder she choked Jabba. Guess it runs in the family."

"Do you intend to marry her?"

"Ah, you're a little intimidating, you know?" Han admitted as he took another drink. "Right hand to the Emperor, an army at your command, big fleet of Star Destroyers and all that mumbo-jumbo you do. Not that I understand that mumbo-jumbo. Heck, half the time I think Luke is a little … crazy. You wave your hand and stuff happens. Come on, that's not possible. It defies the laws of physics. Yet I've seen the kid do it. Point is, if I say "yes" that I would like to marry Leia how do I know you're not going to blast me or something, do some of the freaky stuff?"

"Your reputation is not exactly what I'd … desire … for my daughter to marry. You are a wanted criminal by the Empire."

"Oh, you mean the smuggling, conning and so forth, huh?" Han grinned, feeling a bit reckless. "Well, I got news for you, Pops. Leia loves me. Should have seen us in the south passage on Hoth. Of course, you got there too late to see anything. But that's not surprising. You never could catch my ship and I outsmart you all the time!"

"Pops?"

"Well, what else do you want me to call you? Dear ol' Dad?" Han asked, still grinning. This was getting to be fun. Who ever would have thought talking to Vader would be fun? "Besides, you'll be my father-in-law. Guess that means you can't be arresting me anymore, does it? Yep, looks like I just got the Empire off my back."

HO-PAH. HO-PAH. HO-PAH. 

Darth Vader stood there for a few moments, the only sound being his loud breathing. The nerve of this Solo was unbelievable. Why in the world did his only daughter have to be attracted to this … this … space pirate? His manners were just as questionable as his career and it looked as if he wore the same clothes for who knew how many years. Then, of course, there was his ship. He had to admit the Falcon was fast, but it probably looked worst on the inside than the outside. 

"What does Leia see in you?" Vader finally asked.

"She likes scruffy men." Han replied as he glanced up at Vader's black mask. "But I guess she gets that from you, being an evil lord and all. That's being a scoundrel, too. You just dress better."

Vader's hands closed into fists. How dare that Solo call him a scoundrel!

"Uh-uh! Going to be your son-in-law, remember? Leia would never forgive you if you blasted me. So cool down, have a drink."

"You're inviting me to have a drink with you?"

"Hey, why not?" Han grinned. "There's worst things I can think of than having you for a father-in-law."

General Solo was turning out to be … surprising. And that was intriguing. Vader decided to ask him another question. "You do not mind that I'm a Sith Lord?"

"Nah, guess someone's gotta do it." Han swirled the contents of his almost empty glass. "Besides, you owe me. The way I see it, if it wasn't for me that kid of yours would have been dead a long time ago. He has good intentions but no brains. You should be glad I saved him from being a human Popsicle out on Hoth. If I were you, you better start watching Luke twenty-four hours a day before he gets himself killed by some harebrained scheme he thinks up. Of course, it was that crazy old man that started it all. Guy still owes me money. Hired me to take him and the kid to a planet that wasn't there anymore. Some moron blew it up. But hey, at least I got a princess out of the deal."

Darth Vader thought for a moment. A crazy old man…..

Obi-wan? It was his old master that got his daughter involved with Solo? If only he could kill him twice!

"Come to think of it, do you know any shrinks?" Han asked.

"Shrinks?"

"You know, head doctors? I think Luke might need one." Han added, concern in his voice. "I've seen him holding conversations with an empty room. When I ask him about it he claims he's talking to that crazy old man. But that old guy's dead. So…."

UGGH! 

Vader never realized having children could be so frustrating! Luke talking to a dead Jedi and Leia in love with a space pirate, it was enough to give him a major headache! What was he to do? He finally finds his children after all these years and now this pops up!

Han stands up and walks past Vader, patting him on the shoulder. 

"Don't forget to send a wedding present!"

THE END

So, does anyone want Vader to have a conversation with another character? 


	2. The Falcon

**First of all, THANK YOU for all the great reviews! I can't believe it received so many, especially for one chapter. It really makes me happy, as I love reviews. I wrote all the suggestions down and will try to use them all. I'm not very familiar with Mara Jade (although I did read all the Star Wars novels) – that is, I never tried _writing _her character before. I know she used to work with Kardre (spelling?), was the Emperor's Hand, married Luke (once he fixed her brain of course!) and recently had a son named Ben. I could try a chapter with her but it may not be perfect. I also need to think about Mon Mothma, as I'm not too clear yet what they would say to each other. As for Vader's character not being perfect: I realize Vader would arrest Solo, but the idea is just for them to have a funny conversation. Now onto Chapter Two!**

Chapter Two: The Falcon

Darth Vader silently followed the smuggler Solo to where his freighter was parked. Either the man didn't know he was being followed or he didn't care. Not that it mattered to the Dark Lord of the Sith. No, what mattered to him was inside Solo's ship: his two children. Why Luke and Leia continued to friend with such a low-life character was beyond him, although he had to admit he did have certain abilities. Solo was apparently a superb pilot and continued to escape from his clutches on a regular basis when they encountered each other in the dark depths of outer space. The man also had an unusual ability to make his ship disappear off radar without the use of a cloaking device. Vader desired the secret greatly, for as of yet he hadn't been able to figure it out. He watched Solo run up the ramp into the Falcon and disappear from sight.

From the outside, the Millennium Falcon looked like the last time he saw it: a hunk of junk with blaster scoring in several places. How such a ship could continue to evade his state-of-the-art Executor was a real mystery and Vader didn't like mysteries. Determined to learn more about the man his daughter had gotten involved with, Vader walked up the ramp. "It had better look different on the inside."

Pausing in the doorway, Darth Vader turned his helmeted head up and back to scan the interior of the spaceship. What his eyes saw was pure chaos. In all his life he had never seen such a filthy mess! One would think a bomb had recently gone off inside the spacecraft and had thrown debris everywhere. Machine parts and tools were scattered over every surface, abandoned wherever they had last been dropped. Panels gaped open in several places, colored wires dangling out like long tongues. Assorted bits of clothing added to the mess; a sock over there, a jacket bunched up on the floor near a chair. And what was that brownish stuff that seemed to coat everything? Vader bent and picked up a small sample, holding it up near his black breath mask. 

FUR! It was fur from that Wookie that Solo was always with!

"Oh, it's you." Han said as he appeared from somewhere deeper inside the ship. "Thought I heard someone snooping around out here."

"Solo, if you wish to marry my daughter your living conditions must improve."

"Huh?" Han Solo gazed around the room, a confused look on his face. "Things look OK to me. What's wrong with it?"

"This place is a pig-sty! Solo, I will not have my children living in such filth!"

Han glanced around again and spotted the sock. Walking over to it, he snatched it up. "It's not my fault if Luke leaves his socks everywhere. Besides, people are LIVING here. That's how a place looks when people live in it. If you don't like it, Your Lordship, you can clean it up."

HO-PAH. HO-PAH. HO-PAH.

Vader's hands clenched into fists as anger surged through him, the power of the Dark Side flooding him with its darkness. How dare that Solo suggest for him to clean it! He wanted to choke the space pirate for the remark but managed to reign himself in. If he did, he wouldn't get to see Luke or Leia and that was more important than killing Solo.

"Uh, uh, uh, uh!" Han wiggled a finger at him, his dark eyes lit with humor. "Remember what I said about Leia, so you have to control that temper of yours. Now if you don't like how it looks, go clean it."

Vader stood motionless where he was in the doorway, staring at Solo.

"See? You don't mind the mess at all." Solo said as he turned away from Vader and went deeper into his ship. "Probably got a mess bigger than this in your quarters on that fancy ship of yours."

Watching where he placed his booted feet, Vader followed Solo. Stretching out in the Force, he could sense both Luke and Leia were aboard this sorry excuse for a ship. He would make sure to talk to each of them today, but Solo first. He hadn't realized the man was such a slob. He found Han within a few minutes, standing in front of an open panel.  Since he had fixed ship parts for Watto since he was a young boy, Vader was quite familiar with the inner workings of a ship – and the confused tangle of wires before Solo was jury-rigging. Jury-rigging on a ship was fine in an emergency, but it was meant to be a temporary fix not long term. And the tangle was so confusing it was even giving him a headache!

"Solo, I am greatly disappointed in you."

"Now what?" Han groaned as he turned around to look at Vader. "Hey, it's not my fault if Chewie is shedding! It's spring back on Kashyyk, you know. Oh, I'll clean it up later, OK? But that's what you get when you drop in unannounced."

"This ship is jury-rigged."

"So? It works!" Han snorted. "Besides, its MY ship. If you don't like it, go back to your own bucket of bolts."

"It's against regulations for an entire ship to be jury-rigged in such a manner."

"What regulations? I'm not in your blasted Empire!" Han retorted. He bent down to a pile of parts lying on the floor near his boots and began to throw them around. "Now where is that part?"

"It's against regulations because it's unsafe. How can you risk my children's lives on such a crate? It could all fail at the same time."

"Well, it didn't do that so far!" Han went over to a chair that was covered in a towering pile of data disks. Shoving the disks to the floor, Han held up the desired part in triumph. "Ah-ha! I found it!"

"It's very likely it will fail. You know that as well as I."

"Every time a part fails is because you're shooting at me!" Han yelled as he tried to put the part where it belonged within the tangle of wires. "Great. It doesn't fit. Now what am I going to do?"

"I strongly suggest you clean this vessel before you get infested with bugs."

Han blinked his brown eyes at Vader. "I thought that spray I bought killed them all. Hmm, guess I need to buy more. What kind of bug did you see?"

"Are you telling me this ship is infested with vermin?"

"Well," Han shrugged his shoulders, his face turning reddish. "I thought I killed them all. There was the black ones that crunch when you step on them, the squiggly things with all the legs, those annoying tiny flying ones, the bigger flying things, one or two things that built webs and uh, those other things with the spots."

HO-PAH. HO-PAH. HO-PAH.

"Hey, could you hand me the wrench? It's under the sofa, I think." Han pointed towards a tan sofa along the far wall. "Lando gave it to me after his deal at Bespin went sour. That Lando, always scheming up plans and get-rich-quick schemes; of course none of them ever works for him."

Vader stared at the sofa in question. It looked oddly clean compared to the rest of the ship and he wondered why. Only a data disk and a few pillows rested on it. In fact, it looked too clean. "Why is a wrench under a sofa?"

"Because it slid there when we landed. The thrusters weren't working right so the ship came down unevenly." Han explained with a sigh. "Oh, never mind. I'll go get it!"

Han crouched in front of the sofa and stuck his arm under it. He pulled out a plate with some dried up crusted food on it. "Oops, you don't want to see that. Hee-hee."

"Solo, don't you know anything about keeping a ship?"

"I know you're too fussy." Han found the wrench and went back over to the part. Then he started banging on the part with the wrench as hard as he could.

"What are you doing?" Vader demanded.

"Trying to make the part a bit smaller so it'll fit! What else does it look like?" 

"I am loosing my patience with you, General Solo. You are incompetent to run a ship, especially one with my children aboard!"

"Well, excuse me, Your Lordship!" Han dropped the wrench and turned to face Vader. "And I think you're the one that has a few things to learn!"

"And what am I to learn from you?"

"There are more important things than having a big fancy ship with gleaming floors so clean you can eat off them. Like friendship and responsibility. Look, maybe I don't have all the wealth and power you have, but I'm taking care of your kids the best I can. I don't see you helping any. In fact, you never were around."

"That wasn't my choice." Vader replied. "They were taken and hidden from me. I was never told they even existed."

"That sounds like an excuse to me," Han said. "I keep risking my neck for them because I love them and care about them. You command your men through fear. Well, friendship and love is more powerful. That's why the Rebel Alliance is going to win this war. Because we all stick together because we want to be together, not because we've been drafted and ordered to do something."

"That's still not an excuse for the pig-sty on this ship!"

"Yeah, Leia keeps complaining about it, too." Han laughed, a twinkle in his eye. "But I just thought up the perfect solution."

"You're going to clean it?"

"Heck no! We're going to move in with YOU!" 

To be continued…

**Sorry if that wasn't as funny as the first one. Chapters with Luke and Leia will be next.**


	3. Luke

Author's Note: For this story I presume that Anakin/Vader never saw a dead Jedi's spirit (or ghost? Not sure the correct SW term) and that there is some type of bedroom on the Falcon.

Chapter Three: Luke

Luke Skywalker came out of one of the back rooms on the Falcon, yawning. "Han, what's all the noise out here?"

"I was just telling Pops here we're all going to move in with him." Han laughed, wishing he could see the expression on Darth Vader's face when he had blurted out that statement. It probably was priceless. Too bad he had to always wear that mask.

"Han, you can't be serious." Luke glanced from Han to his father, Darth Vader. What was father doing here anyway? And why in the galaxy was Han calling him 'Pops'? "Father?"

"I need to speak to you, Son."

"Yeah, you two get out of here." Han waved his hands at both of them in a shooing motion. "I got to fix my ship." 

"All right. We can go talk in my room." Luke offered, still surprised by seeing his father aboard the Millennium Falcon.

"Very well, Son. But your room had better be cleaner than it is out here."

Luke lead Darth Vader to a small side room that was relatively clean and free of the debris that littered the main room. Once they were inside the room, Luke didn't know where to start. He had so many questions to ask his father and they all rolled around inside his head like clothes inside an old-fashioned dryer. So he decided to start with the simplest. "How did you get aboard the Falcon, Father?"

"I met General Solo in a bar and then followed him here." Darth Vader stated. "What is your opinion of Han Solo? He seems rather a sloppy housekeeper and possesses a questionable reputation."

"Han's my best friend." Luke stated, still not over the fact that Darth Vader was actually there. "He saved my life several times, Leia's too. Maybe he is a bit sloppy at times but the ship doesn't generally look this bad. You just caught him at a bad moment. What were you and Han talking about? I'm surprised he wasn't shooting at you."

"I believe General Solo has decided it unwise to shoot at his future father-in-law." Darth Vader glanced around the room. Except for the bed not being made, the room was neat and clean. "Since he is apparently attracted to your sister, I have decided to see if he is worthy of her. Which I believe is what a responsible father should do."

"You're really taking this seriously." 

"Of course." Vader replied. "I want the best for my daughter. I don't want her marrying some space bum who can't support a wife or family."

"Han is great once you get to know him. I know the Falcon may look like some old scrap heap but she's the fastest ship in the galaxy. She even won the Keasel Run."

"I am glad that you think so, Son. Now we will discuss you."

"Me?" Luke stared nervously at Darth Vader's black mask. It was impossible for him to tell what his father was thinking. Normally you could tell by a person's facial expressions but the mask blocked that. Sure, he could sense a bit through the Force but that didn't help much at the moment. "I'm not going to join the Dark Side if that's what you're thinking."

"General Solo has expressed concern over your unusual hobby."

"What hobby?" Asked Luke, confused.

"He claims you talk to yourself as if someone else was in the room."

"Oh!" Luke laughed, relieved. "I talk to Ben sometimes and well, you know Han, he doesn't understand it. He kind of views the Force as some 'kooky old religion', as he calls it. I guess he really doesn't understand how it works. He views it as some type of magic or something equally mysterious."

"Son, Obi-Wan is dead."

"Yeah, I know." Luke agreed. He didn't want to think of how Ben had died. Under the current circumstances that might get a bit uncomfortable. "But that doesn't stop him from talking to me."

"So you claim he talks to you?" 

"Sure." Luke gazed at his father's mask, curious why Vader was making such a big deal out of it. "He just pops in, we talk and then he vanishes again. We talked lots of times since he died. I guess it makes Han a bit uneasy."

"Son, once someone is dead, they're dead. They can't talk to anyone. In the long history of the Jedi Order no Jedi has ever come back from the funeral pyre to talk." The more he heard, the glad he was that Solo had mentioned this to him. Perhaps seeing Kenobi struck down by his lightsaber had been too traumatic for the boy. He had, after all, lived a peaceful if boring childhood on the farm. "I am sorry you had to witness his death, Son, but it was something I had to do. Creating fantasies will do you no good."

"But he really does talk to me!" Luke insisted, his blue eyes growing wide as he grew more excited. "I'm not making it up!"

"Perhaps you believe it, but it's unreal. I knew Kenobi all too well and I assure you he was a liar." Vader told his son. "It may be hard for you to believe, but it's the truth. Just because I belong to the Sith does not mean I will automatically tell you falsehoods. Kenobi belonged to the so-called Light and he lied and drank on a regular basis."

"But I really do see him!" Luke protested, as he grew more agitated. It was becoming clear to Luke that Vader had never seen a Jedi's spirit before. Luke had always presumed that seeing a Jedi's spirit had been a common and well-known occurrence. But perhaps it wasn't common at all. He knew so little about how Jedi had lived before the Empire wiped them out. And unless he proved it to his father, Vader would think he was having mental problems! "I'll prove it to you! I'll call Ben over and then you can see him for yourself!"

"Very well." Vader crossed his arms over his broad chest and waited. He will go along with Luke's game for the moment.

Luke closed his eyes and tried to calm himself. The problem was he didn't know if Ben would come since Darth Vader was in the room. Vader, after all, was the one who had killed him. "Ben, hear my voice. Come to me. I need you, Ben."

Obi-Wan's glowing spirit appeared in the corner of the small bedroom. "I'm here, Luke."

Luke opened his eyes, a broad smile on his face. "Ben, you came!"

"Of course I did." Obi-Wan smiled back.

"Who are you speaking to, Luke?" Vader asked.

"Ben. He's right there." Luke pointed to the corner.

"There is nothing there." Vader said. "It is as I expected, as General Solo told me. Do not worry, Luke. I will get you some help."

"But he's right there!" Luke protested loudly, his voice raising a notch. "Can't you see him?"

"I see only an empty corner and a son who has had a traumatic experience. If I had known Kenobi would have screwed up your head this badly, I would have killed him earlier. Unfortunately, he hid my wife on me and didn't bother to tell me I was a father. Otherwise I would have gladly raised you and your sister. All I ever wanted was a family. I couldn't see why a person couldn't be a Jedi and have a family."

"Ben, why can't he see you?" Luke asked the glowing ghost, who smiled as if the whole thing was quite amusing. 

"Anakin and I haven't been close for a long, long time. I'm afraid it's unlikely he'll ever be able to see me unless he changes a great deal, comes back to the Light. And you know what my opinion of that is." Obi-Wan said. "Once a Sith always a Sith."

"Then I'll have to make him change!" Luke promised the ghost. Wasn't his father already showing interests in being a proper father, even if it was quite late? Surely that was a good sign that he could go back to being Anakin Skywalker?

"Luke! Stop talking to that corner! There's nothing there!" Vader spoke in his best command voice.

"But Ben is there! You're just too thick-headed to see him!" 

"Then I will dispel him!" Vader grabbed Luke by his arm and yanked his son behind him. Pulling out his lightsaber, Darth Vader flicked the switch upward. The red energy blade appeared and Vader took several swings at the empty air in the corner. "Be gone, evil spirit! Haunt my son no more with your foul lies!"

Grinning, Obi-Wan moved out of the corner and went to sit on Luke's unmade bed. He laughed as he watched his former Padawan slash uselessly at the empty air. "He never learns, does he?"

"I guess not." Luke agreed.

Vader turned at hearing Luke's voice. "Who are you talking to this time?"

"Ben."

"I thought I got rid of him." Vader said as he held his red glowing lightsaber in the aggressive neutral stance. 

"No, he's sitting on my bed." Luke admitted. 

"Then get out of the way so I may finish him off for a second time!" Vader waited until Luke moved safely out of the way, then approached the bed cautiously. "I killed you the first time, Kenobi. I will kill you the second time as well!"

Vader began slashing at the air just above the bed where he was sure Kenobi would have been sitting if he had been there. Of course, he wasn't there at all. He hadn't been there. It was all in his son's head. 

"Is he gone now?" Vader asked Luke.

"No, he's lying on the bed and laughing." 

Vader deactivated his lightsaber and reattached it to his belt. Grabbing Luke firmly be his arm, he started to forcefully drag him out of the room.

"Hey! Where are we going?" Luke asked.

"To get you the help that you greatly need."

To be continued….

**Leia will be in the next chapter! I hope you thought this chapter was funny!**


	4. Leia

I'm not too sure if I can make this chapter funny. Leia and Vader don't exactly get along, you know, but I can try.

Leia

Darth Vader emerged from Luke's tiny bedroom, hauling his son by the arm. 

"But there's nothing wrong with me!" Luke insisted as he tried to dig his boot heels into the floor. "If you'd just let go of your hate I'm sure you'll see him, too!"

"Stop this foolishness!" Vader hissed angrily.

Another door opened and Leia stepped out directly into Darth Vader's path. Her long brown hair hung loose down her back and she wore a white pants outfit with a matching white top. Upon seeing Vader, her eyes leaped open extra wide and she pulled the black blaster that hung on her thigh. Pointing the blaster at Vader's chest, she yelled for help. "Han! Han, Darth Vader is on the ship! He's trying to kidnap Luke!"

"Leia, he's not trying to kidnap me." Luke tried to reassure his sister. "Well, not exactly."

"And he did a mind trick on him already!" Leia yelled. The blaster steady, she kept her eyes on Vader's black mask. Finding him here, right here on the Falcon, had been shocking! That black vile mask he wore had given her nightmares and now he was after Luke again. What if he had done something to Han? "Han, where are you?"

CRASH! 

"Leia, will you stop screaming?" Han appeared, rubbing his sore head where some metal tool had banged him one. "I'm trying to fix the ship! Geez, can't you people have a quite family reunion for once?"

"He's trying to kidnap Luke!" Leia repeated, her gaze shifting to Han Solo. "What's the matter with you? It's Darth Vader! You know, the Emperor's evil henchman? Why are you just standing there? Go get a blaster!"

Han rolled his eyes. "You didn't tell her yet, did you?"

"No." Vader replied. The Sith Lord knew it wasn't going to be easy. His daughter had no idea he was her father and it appeared she hated his guts. Great, just great!

"Tell me what?" Leia asked, confused. "What are you guys talking about? And why aren't you helping me, Han? Do you want him to kidnap Luke?"

"Leia, Father isn't kidnapping me. We've just had a small misunderstanding." Luke smiled at his sister, hoping she'd calm down. "Leia, why don't you just put the blaster away and we can talk about this like civilized people? You're the politician, remember?"

Leia sighed. "Are you going on about that nonsense again? Luke, he is NOT your father! And the only thing the Empire understands is blasters!"

"I know it's difficult, but I told you this before." Luke continued, sending calming Force waves towards his emotional, trigger-happy sister. "You agree I'm your brother. You said you've always known. So you have to accept this, too."

"No I don't! My father was Bail Organa and he was an honorable, kind and caring man. This … monster could never be my father!"

"You look just like your mother." Darth Vader stated, but it was obvious whom she inherited her temper from! "Her name was Padme."

The blaster wavered a bit, the barrel lowering. "How … how do you know that?"

"Because I AM your father." Darth Vader let go of Luke so he could deal with his sister. "I married Padme many years ago on Daboo."

"That's a lie! No one in their right mind would marry you!" Leia insisted. "You're too evil!"

"Ah, come on, Leia. Give Pops a chance." Han leaned against one of the walls in the narrow corridor. "Look, I didn't believe the crazy story at first either when I met him in the bar…"

"You met HIM in a bar?" Leia stared at Han, her mouth open a bit. 

"Well, yeah." Han admitted, a sheepish expression on his face. "I know it sounds a bit crazy…"

"You're the crazy one for meeting him in a bar! And then you brought him back here so he could kidnap Luke! This is all insane." Leia didn't know what she was going to do. Han was probably under Vader's influence, Luke refused to help and she only had one blaster. And if she remembered correctly, Vader could deflect blaster bolts with his hand! "This is great, just great!"

"You are my daughter, Leia." Darth Vader said as he stood in front of her. "I know it's hard for you to believe but it's true. You think me a monster and I can understand that after being held prisoner on the Death Star and seeing the Empire blow up your world. At that time I didn't know I had children. I was never told. Believe me, I did love your mother. She meant everything to me. And when she was taken from me I couldn't handle it. I lost control and fell to the Dark Side."

Leia didn't want to believe any of it. The idea of this man being her father, it was a living nightmare! But what if it were true? Luke seemed to think so.

"What … what do you want with Luke?" Leia blurted out, trying to push the other subject into the background.

"To help him." Vader replied. "He is having … problems."

"You mean you caught him talking to the wall again." Leia didn't know what to do. She knew Luke had problems, but he claimed it was a Jedi thing. Since she knew nothing of Jedi, who was she to dispute his claim? Han, of course, thought he was bonkers. "Look, even if he does talk to walls, I can't let you take him off this ship! For all I know, that's just an excuse to get your vile black gloves on him and then you'll turn him into a Sith like you!"

"I'm not ready to leave the ship yet. You will talk to me, Daughter. Alone." Vader reached out and grabbed Leia's wrist and yanked her into Luke's room.

"What…" was all Leia managed to get out. The next thing she knew she was trapped in the room with Vader between her and the only door. At least she still had her blaster. "What do you want?"

"Do you love Han Solo?"

"What… why do you want to know that for?" Leia asked, confused. Was this some new trick the Empire had up its long and dirty sleeves? Then another thought crossed her mind. "Why aren't you arresting us?"

"Why would I arrest my own family?" Darth Vader stood in the doorway. Since he had come here many of the memories he had thought long gone had started to surface. And seeing his daughter, who looked so much like Padme, had brought up even more from the dark recesses of his mind. He remembered his younger self, so bold and in love. "All I ever wanted was to have a family and to be a Jedi. But it was forbidden for a Jedi to marry. The two things I wanted most were in conflict with each other and in the end I ended up with neither. I don't want the same to happen to my children. So do you love General Solo, for you should only marry someone you love."

"Yes…" Leia answered. This new Vader was confusing her, the way he was talking freely to her about his past. Could there actually be a human being under all that black armor, one with feelings? She had always just seen Vader as the cold-blooded puppet of the Emperor. Had Luke been right after all? Could there be good inside Vader? "Yes, I love Han. But I don't trust you and I don't see what business of yours it is."

"It's my business because I'm your father." Darth Vader could see Leia was going to be difficult. She had lots of anger inside her, aimed at him and at the Empire. "You must let go of your hate, Daughter, for it leads to the Dark Side. Anger is a dark pit that once you fall in you can't get out. It clouds your mind so you can't think straight. All it will do is ruin your life."

"So you expect me to just forgive you for all you've done in the past?" Leia asked, her arms crossed over her chest. "For blowing up Alderaan, torturing me in that cell aboard the Death Star, freezing Han in carbonite, not to mention all those other terrible things you did all across the galaxy! I don't see how you can just waltz in here and think you can play at being a father now after all those years. Providing, that is, if we're even related." 

"Do you want to end up on the Dark Side?" 

"No, of course not! But I'm not anything like you!" Leia insisted, a cold dread growing inside her heart. What if he was right? What if Darth Vader really was her father?

"But you are, Daughter. You have my bad temper and stubbornness. And if you're Luke's twin, you also have my powers."

"That's ridiculous! I don't have any powers!"

"Just because you don't know how to use them doesn't mean they're not there. Han also mentioned you choked Jabba. Choking is my preferred method of execution."

"Oh, great!" Leia muttered, disgusted with herself.

"Now, about General Solo. He seems to be a rather scruffy character."

"Tell me about it. He's a slob and I got to keep yelling at him to pick up stuff around the ship." Leia rolled her eyes, thinking of Han. She still couldn't believe Han had actually met Vader in a bar! 

"He has a questionable reputation: smuggler, con man, space pirate. You could do better."

"But I love him." Leia spoke from her heart. "Maybe he's a bit rough on the outside, but his heart is in the right place. And if it wasn't for his old tricks at being a space pirate I probably wouldn't be alive. Neither would Luke. Han risked his own neck by going out at night on Hoth to save him. They both could have frozen to death out there. No one else was willing to go but Han did. And that should tell you all you need to know."

"Very well, if you are sure you love him and he loves you."

"I do and he does."

Vader would have sighed if he could have. Blast this respirator he had to use! It looked as if his daughter was set on marrying that slob of a space pirate! He turned to leave. "I will talk to you later, Daughter. I have unfinished business with your brother."

"Umm, Father?" Leia asked hesitantly. It felt very, very odd calling him that.

"Yes, Daughter?" He turned in the doorway to look back at her.

"Isn't the father of the bride supposed to pay for the wedding?"

To be continued….

**Sorry that wasn't really funny, but I have some funny stuff planned for the next chapters. Also some surprises in store who Vader will talk to in future installments. **


	5. The Shrink

Sorry you had to wait a few days for the next chapter. I've been having a few electrical problems and will need up upgrade my whole electrical system (uggh!) soon. Thanks for all the wonderful reviews! I love them! I also have the next 2 chapters planned out and they'll be really funny! And now onto the next chapter! 

THE SHRINK

The Imperial Shuttle landed in the huge bay, its wings folding up alongside its body. The doors hissed open and Lord Vader emerged through the billowing white smoke. A second, slightly shorter figure, also dressed in black, followed him. 

"Father, is this really necessary?" Luke asked for what seemed the hundredth time as he walked down the shuttle's ramp onto the gleaming floor of the shuttle bay. "I'm fine. I don't need to see a shrink! Really!"

"You will do as I tell you, Son. It's for your own good." Vader stalked to the exit. He had decided to deal with this unexpected problem quickly. The sooner he got Luke's head straightened out, the better. Hopefully the Emperor wouldn't hear of this highly embarrassing matter. It wouldn't do well for it to spread around the Empire. He approached the nearest turbolift and went inside.

"Yes, Father." Luke followed Vader into the turbolift, turning so he could examine his father's mask. "I just wish you would believe me."

"I believe that you believe it, but that doesn't make it true." Darth Vader placed a black-gloved hand on Luke's shoulder. "Don't worry, Son. The ship's doctor will cure you of your delusions."

Luke remained silent.

The lift doors opened and Lord Vader stepped out. A few moments later he entered sickbay, stopping in front of the duty nurse's station. "I wish to see the doctor."

"Lord Vader!" The male nurse gasped, his eyes going wide in fright. "I'm sorry, My Lord, but the doctor isn't here."

"Well, call him then!" Vader ordered.

"I … I can't, My Lord! He fell ill and was hauled away in a straight jacket a few hours ago! He was screaming something awful. They say we are to pick up a new doctor on Coruscant."

"Drat! That's the seventh doctor I lost in as many months!" 

"My Lord? Do you wish to see the droid doctor?" The nurse asked hesitantly. 

"No, I will take care of it myself." Darth Vader turned around and left sickbay, his black cape billowing out behind him. What was wrong with those doctors? Why did they all end up the same way, being locked up in a rubber room after a month's service on his ship? Good medical care was almost impossible to find these days.

"What now?" Luke asked as he trailed after his father. Secretly, he was a bit relieved he wouldn't have to explain the whole matter to some strange doctor. 

"You will see a doctor on Coruscant. Some of the Empire's finest physicians have offices there." Vader entered his private quarters and went directly to his transmitter. Standing before it, he placed his first call to a Dr. Ding that he found in the Coruscant Yellow Pages.

An image began to form before him of the doctor's office with a pretty young receptionist. Her eyes widened upon seeing him, her mouth forming a perfect little 'O'. Then a long slender finger jabbed at something and the image vanished.

"What happened?" Vader asked, confused.

"I think she hung up on you." Luke offered as he took a moment to look around his father's pristine quarters. There was little to see except the computer terminal. 

"What? How dare she hang up on me!" Vader fumed, the red-hot anger swelling inside him. "I will find a different doctor, one that is more deserving of my business!" 

"Father, that's not necessary." Luke tried to calm him down. "I'm fine. Really!"

"It is necessary!" Vader waved a finger at Luke's face. Satisfied that for the moment his son was obeying him, he called the next doctor in the book. And received another mysterious hang-up. Fuming even more than before, he called the third doctor. As soon as the doctor appeared, he shouted at him. "If you hang up on me, you'll suffer my wrath!"

The nervous-looking doctor gulped. "I … I'm sorry, but there's little I can do for you…"

"What?!" 

"I … I'm just not skilled enough to help you. Although, if I may be allowed to say so, My Lord, you need it …"

"I'm not calling for myself!" Vader hissed angrily at the tri-dimensional image before him. "It's my son that needs help, not me!"

"Perhaps … an anger-management course …" The doctor wheezed, one hand going to his throat as he passed out onto the floor as Vader closed his hand around an imaginary neck.

"I will find you a different doctor!" Darth Vader growled as he dragged the monitor that held the Yellow Pages closer. There had to be a decent shrink in here somewhere.

Sighing, Luke lowered himself to an empty chair. This was going to take some time.

Hours later with more hang-ups than he could count and four dead shrinks, he reached the very last name in the category of shrinks. It was just simply the name 'Edmund" with a number. Nothing else. It didn't look very promising, but Vader was determined to get Luke the help he so desperately needed. Ordering the machine to place the call, he stood ready yet again.

An older human male with white, flyaway hair appeared dressed in a white lab coat. He looked up at Darth Vader. "Yes? What can I do for you?"

"I would like to make an appointment for my son." Vader said cautiously, expecting the doctor to make some rude comment or else to hang up. His hand flexed inside the glove, ready if need be. 

"Very well. Come down to my office tomorrow and I'll see you and your son at two in the afternoon. May I ask what his problem is?"

Vader allowed a feeling of triumph to float through him. Finally, a doctor willing to take his case! Thank the Force! "He believes a ghost talks to him, but I believe he is suffering from a traumatic experience."

"Well, I'll give him some standard tests and talk to him tomorrow. We'll soon get to the cause of this." The doctor promised, a big smile on his face. "And your name is?"

"Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith."

"Hmmm …" the doctor scratched at his head. "Now why does that sound familiar?"

"Don't you know who I am?" Vader asked, shocked that the doctor didn't apparently know who he was. Perhaps this doctor wasn't the great deal that he first appeared to be. Unfortunately, he was the only remaining shrink in the book.

The doctor glanced down at the appointment he had just marked down in his book. "You told me you're Darth Vader. Are you suffering from memory problems, perhaps a touch of amnesia? Did you recently receive a bonk on the head?"

"NO!" Vader wanted to strangle this crazy doctor but dare not. He was the only one willing to see his son. And why was this doctor using an actual appointment book instead of a stylus and data pad? 

"No what?" the doctor asked.

"No, I'm not suffering from memory problems!"

"Than why did you ask me who you are?" 

"Everyone in the Empire knows who I am and even most outside the Empire. I am second behind Emperor Palpatine himself."

"Emperor, Emperor … Palpatine. Hmmm, name doesn't ring a bell." The doctor scratched at his white flyaway hair again. Suddenly a great racket of ringing bells could be heard coming from somewhere behind the doctor. The doctor turned his head to glance behind him. "Drat! I thought I fixed those darn clocks! Excuse me for a moment…"

The doctor picked up a long wooden bat and started bashing on the clocks behind him. Springs and gears flew through the air. The last clock fell silent and the doctor turned to face Vader, a grin on his face. "Sorry about that. Sometimes I forget what century I'm in. I'll see you tomorrow at two then. Have to go now. My first client just arrived!"

Vader watched as the doctor's image vanished. The man didn't exactly inspire confidence in the medical profession.

"Father, I don't have to see that guy tomorrow, do I? That guy's loonier than anyone I know! He doesn't even know what century it is!" Luke protested loudly.

HO-PAH. HO-PAH. HO-PAH.

Vader shook his finger at his unruly son. "You will see him tomorrow and we will see what he has to say. Until then, I strongly suggest you do as I tell you."

Luke sighed again. It was obvious nothing he would say would convince Vader otherwise. 

A long moment passed.

"Perhaps I should check that doctor's license." Vader said as he turned to make another call. Just then the machine beeped and the white-haired doctor appeared again.

"Silly me, I forgot to give you my address!"

To be continued….

**Hopefully that was funny! I'll try to get the next chapter up soon! **


	6. Prince Xizor

Author's Note: For this chapter I assume that Prince Xizor didn't die when his skyhook exploded in "Shadows of the Empire". When I listened to the audio version I was actually cheering Vader on when he sent the Imperial Navy to go blow up the skyhook; it was quite exciting! Ok, maybe it's a tad weird to cheer for Vader (he IS suppose to be a bad guy) but he did it to save Luke, so I guess it was OK. Anyway, it was a lot of fun!!

Prince Xizor

Darth Vader was in his personal quarters getting ready for his meeting with the shrink, Doctor Edmund. The Star Destroyer Executor was now in orbit around Coruscant and still he hadn't received the information he had requested about the doctor. Usually his crew was fast about these things, but either they were slacking off or the information was unusually difficult to obtain. Vader was just attaching his black cape when the comlink squealed.

"Lord Vader," the communications officer on the bridge said. "Emperor Palpatine is on the line for you."

"Put him through." Vader instructed as he got down on one knee and bowed his head.

"Lord Vader." Palpatine's image spoke, one pale gnarled hand reaching out towards him. 

"What is thy bidding, My Master?" 

"I was informed you lost yet another doctor. I am most displeased with your behavior. You must stop terrorizing the physicians assigned to your ship. They are not as easy to replace as stormtroopers or even bridge personnel."

"I am sorry, My Master." 

"Don't be sorry. Control yourself!" Palpatine sighed, his reddish eyes focusing on his unruly hot-tempered apprentice. "You are supposed to be terrorizing those pesky Rebels, not physicians on your own ship! I will try to find another replacement, but the personnel department is saying it's near impossible. You know I don't like being forced to deal with such things personally."

"Yes, My Master. I'm sorry, My Master."

"I have heard rumors of a new doctor being in the area, supposedly from some region unknown to us. I will see if there's any truth to the matter. If he hasn't already been contaminated by stories of your exploits on his fellow peers, I will try to get him assigned to your ship. But nothing had better happen to this one, Lord Vader!"

"I live to obey, My Master."

"You live to drive doctors insane!"

"I am sorry, My Maser. I will try to make this one last longer than a month."

Palpatine waved his hand again. "Go attend your duties."

After the Emperor vanished, Vader rose to his feet and hurried out the door. After collecting his son from the room next door they headed to the shuttle bay. His son didn't look too happy about the whole thing and Vader was sure he still resented the fact that his father thought he was having mental problems. "It will soon be over, Luke."

Luke glanced at Vader. "I still don't think that man's a real doctor."

"He IS in the Coruscant Yellow Pages."

"Yeah, like they really checked his medical license!" Luke grumbled to himself as he boarded the shuttle and settled himself in one of the passenger seats next to the window. The only good part about all this was that he would get a chance to see Coruscant. Growing up in the Outer Rim territory on a moisture farm, he never was this far into the Core before. Sure, he had seen a few worlds since joining the Rebellion, but in a lot of ways he was still the farm boy going to the big city for the first time. And if Coruscant was anything, it definitely was a big city! 

The shuttle left Executor and soon joined the lines of traffic heading down towards the planet's surface. Within a short time they landed at one of the Empire's landing platforms reserved for high-ranking officials. "We will take an airspeeder from here."

Luke gazed around with interests at the towering skyscrapers and the hundreds of traffic lanes zooming all around them. Almost every make and model of airspeeder ever built in the galaxy could be spotted here somewhere in the traffic. And the buildings! They were incredible, the tops lost in the clouds while the bottoms disappeared into the dark depths somewhere far below. Popular rumor was that no one alive had actually ever touched the actual surface of Coruscant in thousands of years, that buildings were just built onto older existing ones and that the actual surface had gotten lost somewhere down there long ago. The young Jedi allowed himself the luxury of enjoying the sights while his father drove the fast two-man airspeeder. All too soon Vader put the speeder down and climbed out.

"We are here."

"I guess we better get this over with." Luke sighed but climbed out. The building in front of them looked a bit worn down but otherwise still in good condition. Straightening his back, Luke walked up to the door bravely and went inside, Darth Vader following him. Just within they found the typical waiting room of any doctor found throughout the galaxy: two rows of inexpensive chairs and a receptionist's desk along with a rack of reading material.

A side door opened and the white-haired doctor stuck his head out. "Oh! You're here. Your son can come into my office while you fill out these forms."

Vader watched Luke disappear into the doctor's office and glanced down at the forms attached to a clipboard he had been handed. As he suspected, it was the usual thing asking family history and what form of payment would be used. He had just started filling out the first line when the outer door opened and someone walked in. Vader lifted his eyes from the form as warning bells from the Force rang in his head.

It was Prince Xizor!

"YOU!" Xizor exclaimed loudly in shock and anger. "What are you doing here?"

Darth Vader quickly rose to his full height, the forgotten forms falling to the floor with a loud clatter. For long months he had thought this deadly rival of his dead and now here he was standing before him in the flesh! How in the Force had the Dark Prince, master and owner of the powerful crime syndicate Black Sun, survived the destruction of his skyhook by the Imperial Navy? Was he once again trying to kill young Skywalker for revenge of some incident years ago? "What I'm doing here is none of your business. But if you wish to continue breathing I suggest you leave immediately."

Xizor smiled, revealing perfect white teeth. Prince Xizor was a Falleen, an intelligent species that had evolved from reptiles instead of mammals. His skin had a greenish tint to it and like all members of his species; he was incredibly handsome with a long topknot of dark hair jutting from his otherwise baldhead. One advantage he had over humans was his incredibly strong natural pheromones. With them he could control humans while they remained unaware he was affecting them. His body was incredibly sculpted and strong, something he was quite proud of. The only weak spot he had was Vader. His hatred for the Sith Lord was intense. "I will do no such thing, as I have as much right to be here as you do."

"What are you smiling at?" Vader asked.

"Well, it's obvious that you finally decided to seek professional help. Otherwise you wouldn't be here."

Anger surged through Vader at the rude insult. "There's nothing wrong with me!"

"Really? Than why are you here?" Prince Xizor asked, his complexion taking on a more ruddy color. "One doesn't come here for entertainment value, you know."

"Your pheromones won't work on me." 

"Denial is always first. One never wants to admit there might be something wrong."  

"And I already said there is nothing wrong with me!" Vader repeated, his hands balling into fists. How he would love to strangle this vile Prince Xizor and be free of him forever more!

"So you are still in the denial stage."

"I … AM … NOT!"

"Yes, firmly in the denial stage." Xizor smiled again and settled himself down onto one of the cheap plastic chairs and crossed one leg over the other. "Be assured, it will pass. And if not, well, they got all these great little pills."

"Nor do I need any pills."

"Oh, of course you don't!" Prince Xizor winked an eye at Vader, then leaned towards him and whispered. "Don't worry. I won't tell the Emperor if you won't."

"Are you attempting to blackmail me?"

"No, of course not!" Xizor rolled his eyes, laughing. He patted the blue scratched plastic chair next to him. "Why don't you sit down? We can chat while we wait to see the doctor. I was here yesterday and I feel sooooo much better already!"

"I am NOT here to see the doctor!" Vader crossed his arms over the blinking lights on his chest panel. This was an unexpected problem and one with no easy solution. Nor matter how much he wanted to; he just couldn't strangle Prince Xizor. Before when he had ordered Xizor's Skyhook destroyed he had an excuse for Palpatine. This time there would be no excuse and perhaps the Dark Prince was still in Palpatine's favor. "Do not say that again."

"Oh, you have it really bad!" Xizor held out his open palm to Vader, his entire arm shaking and vibrating. "What kind did he give you?"

"What are you referring to?"

"The PILLS!" Xizor shouted as he suddenly leaped from his seat towards Vader, his long black topknot flying up into the air.

"I do not have any pills." Vader remarked as he backed away from Xizor. It was obvious the Falleen was not acting normal at all. He should have been furious at him for destroying the skyhook and it wouldn't be past him to blame the destruction of his palace on Vader as well. Yet Xizor wasn't mentioning any of these things. 

"Give me the pills! I know you got them hidden on you somewhere!" Xizor ran at the Sith Lord and snatched the end of his long black cape, throwing it over his masked face. He then started to search frantically for some pocket on the black armor where Vader might have hidden the imaginary pills. 

"Get away from me!" Vader growled in his best command voice. He reached out for the Force and used it to send Xizor flying across the small waiting room. "And for the last time I don't have any stupid pills!"

Xizor picked himself up from where he had crashed into the plastic chairs, breaking several. "You're a greedy hog! You want to keep all the pills for yourself!"

If this was how Xizor was behaving after just one visit with Doctor Edmund, he had better rescue his son before Luke was turned into a pill-crazy drug addict! Turning his back on Prince Xizor, Darth Vader marched into the doctor's office. What he saw inside shocked him. Luke was lying on a sofa with what looked like a metal colander strapped to his head. Various bolts and wires emerged from the top of the colander and disappeared into the ceiling. Doctor Edmund sat on the edge of a leather chair, his eyes closed and his fingers at his temples.

"What are you doing to my son? I didn't authorize this treatment!"

Upon hearing Lord Vader's voice, the doctor opened his eyes and leaped to his feet. He hurried over to the Dark Lord of the Sith. Taking both of Vader's gloved hands in his, the doctor started to dance around in a circle while hopping excitedly up and down. Vader had no choice but to turn around as well or get his arms twisted out of their sockets.

"It worked! It worked! Another one of my inventions worked!" The doctor shouted excitedly as he continued to hop.

"Stop that hopping around!" Vader demanded and attempted to grab the doctor with the force. He succeeded and the doctor's eyes bulged out. "What did you do to my son?"

"N… nothing!" The doctor managed to gasp. "I … tested him … with … the cards. He's … fine!"

"Than what is that on his head?" 

"My … mind reading … device!"

Darth Vader released the doctor and watched as he collapsed to the floor, gasping for air as he rubbed at his sore throat. Vader understood that the device hadn't worked at all. Instead Luke had used his Jedi abilities to read the doctor's mind, making the doctor think it had worked. Stepping over to Luke, he undid the leather strap and removed the crazy contraption from his son's head. "So he is cured?"

"Cured? How can I cure him when there's nothing wrong with him?" Doctor Edmund asked as he backed away from Darth Vader.

"The ghost…"

"Oh!" The doctor said as he inched up to an open window. "You need an expert in the paranormal."

"The … paranormal?" Darth Vader asked, not being familiar with the term.

"Sure. Maybe you could get someone to perform an exorcism, like a priest." The doctor gripped the sill with both hands.

"A priest? Where would I find one of those?"

"At a church or temple."

Anger surged through Vader, his vision turning reddish. "The ghost IS a dead 'priest' and used to work in a temple!" 

"Oh-uh!" Doctor Edmund leaped through the open window and ran for his odd-looking airspeeder. It was large, black and had a tall round stack built on the front end. Jumping in he took off, a dark cloud of soot spewing from the stack's top. 

"Great!" Vader fumed. "Now what am I going to do?"

Prince Xizor appeared in the doorway, a wild look in his eyes. "Hand over your pills!"

To be continued….

**Well, I hope you thought that was funny! In case it's not clear, Xizor started to go see a shrink because he had trouble accepting all that had happened at the end of "Shadows of the Empire". He lost his castle and skyhook in the same day plus his loyal droid. Sorry to any fans of Xizor; it's not meant to be taken seriously. I guess the doctor made his problem worse! Maybe it reacted badly to his Falleen system and well, it's not like he has a license! I just couldn't resist having Doc make a guest appearance here. Can anyone guess who he is?**


	7. Luke

Author's Note: For those of you who guessed Doctor Edmund was really Doc Emmett Brown from "Back To the Future" movies, you're right! If you were practicing medicine without a license in the Empire, you'd use a fake name, too! Especially if Vader was angry with you! I thought he'd make a good shrink. Now onto the next chapter…

Luke

"Han, you're insane!" Leia complained from the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon. "You can't just GO to Coruscant! We're all wanted Rebels with prices on our heads!"

"And I told you Sweetheart," Han said with his customary crooked grin as he glanced back at her. "We're going to move in with Pops for awhile. He took the kid with him on that monster ship of his and I just know Luke's going to get himself in trouble! So we need to be there to bail him out. Vader may be doing the right thing for the first time in his life, but let's admit it; ol' Pops doesn't have a clue about kids."

"Look, maybe I admitted he's my father, but moving IN with him? It's DARTH VADER we're talking about!" 

"So?" Han shrugged his shoulders. "Look, will you stop worrying Princess? Trust me, I know what I'm doing. There's a ton of traffic around that planet. We'll just blend right in and mozzy on down to wherever he's living. We won't get caught because no Imperial in his right mind would expect us to go there!"

Leia slapped her own forehead. She felt like banging her head against a wall, but on the Falcon that wasn't a wise idea. It probably would break something. "This is so stupid!"

"You want to see Luke again, don't you?"

"Yes, of course I do!"

"Then to Coruscant we go!" Han laughed as the ship dropped out of hyperspace and the Falcon joined the heavy lines of traffic waiting to go planet side.  Out the main viewport the Executor was plainly visible hanging in the blackness of space. "See? I was right! Luke and Vader are both here."

"If we end up in a cell, it's your fault!" Leia turned on her heel and stormed out of the room. 

Darth Vader had managed to escape from Prince Xizor in the airspeeder and now they had arrived safely at his Coruscant palace. Although Vader was the second richest man in the Empire, wealth had never mattered much to him. He owned a palace because it was expected of him, but otherwise most of his money just piled up in an account. But now that he found his family, perhaps he might have a use for his great wealth after all. He could think of no better way to spend it than on his son and daughter.

The only thing that nagged at his mind was Xizor. Now that he knew the Falleen was alive, would the Dark Prince try to kill his son again? True, he had acted oddly at the doctor's office but that could have been an act. He wouldn't put it past Xizor, as the alien was incredibly devious. No matter, Luke would be safe inside his home with its strong security measures.

No one messed with Lord Vader and lived.

Vader's palace was one of the tallest on Coruscant and only Palpatine's commanded a better view or was more impressive in size. "You will stay with me in my home, Son."

Luke followed Darth Vader inside and soon they both settled down in a nicely decorated living room on sofas opposite from each other. The young Jedi was looking forward to having a meaningful conversation with his father at last. Before while he was aboard the Executor they hadn't had much time to talk, as Vader had duties to attend. But now Luke hoped things would go better. "I have so many questions I want to ask you, Father. And I hope that foolishness with the doctor is over with."

"I still expect you to see the new ship's doctor once he reports for duty, Luke." Vader informed his son. "And you should keep a watchful eye out for Prince Xizor. He is not to be trusted."

"All right, I will. But I assure you that there's nothing wrong with me. Ben really does appear and he does talk to me. Don't ask me how he does it, but he does. If you could just let go of the Dark Side for a while, maybe he'll talk to you, too! Can't you just try, Father? Why must you be on the Dark Side?"

"You don't know the power of the Dark Side. I must obey my Master."

"Can't you forget about your Master for a short time and just try it?"

"No. It is too late for me, my Son. I can't give up the darkness inside me, the immense power it gives me. If you could only know what it's like…"

"Please, Father." Luke pleaded, leaning forward on the sofa so he could gaze at Vader's mask. "Just for ten minutes? Is that so much? Surely you could give up the hatred and revenge for ten minutes? I just want to prove to you I'm not seeing things and how can I do that if you won't try it? And if it doesn't work, I'll go see all the shrinks you want."

"Hmmm…" Vader thought the offer over. It was tempting. "Very well, Luke. I will try it later tonight, but I expect you to keep your word."

Luke grinned with relief. Perhaps he could even free his father of the Dark Side and his cruel Master. "Tell me about my Mother."

"Your Mother was the Queen of Naboo." Darth Vader began as he settled back into soft sofa. "I met her when I was nine years old and working in Watto's junk shop. I was his slave."

"You were a slave?" Luke gasped, his blue eyes widening in surprise. "And you married a Queen?"

"Padme was an elected Queen. When he term was over she became a Senator. I was a Padawan assigned to protect her from an assassin. We fell in love and married in a secret ceremony on her home world."

"But I thought you just said you were a slave? How did you become a Padawan?"

"I won my freedom in a podrace." Vader explained, his gaze focusing on Luke. "And what about you, my Son? Your sister is going to marry Han Solo. Do you have any girlfriends I should know of?"

"No."

"Why not?" Vader asked.

"I thought Jedi weren't supposed to marry. That's what Master Yoda said…"

"The old Order is gone, Son. There's no reason why you shouldn't marry."

"Well …" Luke stammered nervously. "I really don't know any girls. Except for Leia, I mean. And she's my sister of course, so …"

"Surely you had girlfriends in the past, before you started your Jedi training."

"Umm … no, not really." Luke admitted, his face turning red with embarrassment. This was worse than Vader thinking he was nuts!

Vader drummed his fingers on the arm of the sofa. This was another unexpected problem with his son. "You do like women, don't you?"

"Of course I do!" Luke blurted out, his face growing redder.

"Son, you're starting to look like a tomato!"

"I can't help it!"

"Well, I never looked like a tomato when I talked to your Mother! Women don't want to date or marry vegetables!"

Luke's face grew even redder.

"Now you look like a beet! If you keep that up you'll be a plum next."

"Will you stop it? You're embarrassing me!"

For what seemed the tenth time Vader wished his breathing apparatus would allow him to sigh. How was he going to fix this? But perhaps it wasn't as bad as it looked. Maybe Luke just felt uneasy discussing the subject with him? "When was the last time you talked to a woman?"

"Umm … yesterday, I think."

"Who?"

"Leia."

"Besides your sister?"

"Oh … ummm. Mon Mothma?"

Vader groaned and held his helmeted head in his hands. This was looking bad. Very bad! Rising to his feet, Vader motioned Luke to get up. "Come, Son. You need to get out more often, meet some women. On Tatooinie where you grew up on a farm, that must have been difficult. But here there are many women."

"Can't I just stay here with you?" Luke asked hopefully. "I'd rather get to know more about you; your time as a Padawan, how you got on the Dark Side, everything."

"We can do that later. Now we're going to go to a club."

"A club?" Luke asked as he followed his father out to the airspeeder again. "You go to clubs?"

"No, of course not!"

"Then why are we going to one now?"

"Because I want to see if you can talk to a woman without getting all tongue-tied." Vader explained as he got into the driver's seat. As soon as Luke joined him, he started up the engine and took off. "My old Master used to do that. He didn't want to admit it, but he was quite nervous around women. Oh, he could talk fine when it came to business, but if he had to dance with one at a social gathering or something, he grew very nervous. I never had that problem."

Luke groaned, almost wishing he had stayed with Han on the Falcon. True, he had always wanted to know his Father, but this! All too soon they arrived at the club, a noisy place with bright colorful neon lights above its doors. With great reluctance Luke followed his father inside. He had half hoped that the appearance of Lord Vader would cause a great commotion and scare most of the customers away, especially the female customers. But the clientele were dressed so oddly that no one paid any attention what so ever to the Sith Lord. 

Darth Vader went over to a small table and leaned against it for a moment as he scanned the crowd for a likely target. He pointed to a young blonde woman sitting at the bar by herself. "Go over there and talk to her."

"But I don't even know her!"

"You won't know any women if you never talk to one!"

"But I wouldn't know what to say!" Luke protested.

"GO!" Vader commanded.

"But…"

"Look, Son. I'm not saying you have to marry her, just TALK to her!"

Luke squinted through the hazy smoke that hung in the air at the blonde. She looked normal enough from here. "Well, maybe I could…"

Taking a deep breath that almost made him cough, Luke walked the short distance to the bar. Nervously he eased himself onto the hard stool next to her. Turning to look at her, his lips cracked a small smile. "Umm … hi."

She turned her head to glance at him, and then went back to the strange purple concoction she was drinking.

Back at the table, Vader pounded his metal helmet onto the sticky wooden surface. His only son was a total klutz when it came to woman! How had this happened to him? Hadn't he inherited any of his own boldness? Oooh, it was all Obi-Wan's fault for baby-snatching his son as an infant and taking him to that sorry sandball called a planet! 

"I couldn't think of anything to say…" Luke explained as he returned to his father's table.

"There are billions of things to say and you couldn't think of anything?"

"It's just hard breathing in this place!" Luke exclaimed as he tried to wave away some of the smoke with his hand. Several women at a nearby table pointed at him and giggled. 

"You're making yourself look like an idiot doing that!"

"Well, it's hard to see with all this stuff hanging in the air!"

"Perhaps we should start with something more simpler." Vader grabbed Luke's wrist and hauled him out of the club.

"Hey! I didn't get a chance to order any blue milk!"

"Son, they only serve drinks."

"But blue milk IS a drink!"

BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG.

"Father! Why are you banging your mask on the hood of the speeder?"

"Never mind! Get In!" Vader ordered.

"Can I have some blue milk when we get home?"

"Yes!" 

"And some bantha burgers with fries?" Luke asked hopefully.

"ANYTHING!" Vader pulled away from the curb so fast that several other airspeeders had to throw on their brakes. In record time and breaking all the known speed laws, Vader arrived back at his palace. The outing had been a total disaster! Jumping out of the speeder, he stalked inside and ordered one of his servants to get Luke's food … with an entire gallon of blue milk. Within moments he and his son was back in the living room again. 

Luke sipped his glass of blue milk happily; glad the entire thing was over. 

"I know what we will do." Vader exclaimed after sitting quietly watching Luke gulp down his fries and the bantha burger. "We will practice!"

"With our lightsabers?" 

"No! Talking to girls!"

"I thought we already tried that?" Luke shoved the last fry in his mouth, chewing. "It didn't work!"

"That's why we need to practice." Vader explained, trying to reign in his frustration. "Look, why don't you just pretend I'm a girl? You don't seem to have any problems talking to me."

"But you not a girl."

"I KNOW I'm not a girl!" Vader shouted at his son. "It's practice!"

"Oh." Luke stared at his farther for a moment. The corner of his lips turned upward, then he started chuckling.

"Now what?" 

"You don't look like a girl!"

"Of course I don't look like a girl! I'm not a girl!"

"Well, then how am I supposed to pretend you're a girl when you don't look like one?"

"You make me want to strangle you, you know that, don't you?" Vader pushed the anger and frustration growing inside himself back down to a manageable level. If he weren't careful, he wouldn't need to worry about Prince Xizor killing Luke. He'd do it himself! "Look, just PRETEND I'm a girl! Close your eyes. What do you say to a girl?"

"I feel really stupid!"

"NO!" Vader screamed at Luke. "You don't tell a girl you feel really stupid!"

"No, I meant I feel really stupid pretending you're a girl!"

"Well, what do you want me to do? Wear a wig?!" Vader shook his fist at his unruly son. "I don't see how you can be such a powerful Jedi and yet be such a total nervous wreck around women!"

Luke blinked at his father. "Do you have a wig?"

"DON'T EVEN THINK IT!" The Dark Lord of the Sith warned, shaking both fists at Luke to emphasize his words. 

Luke looked mournfully at the empty gallon bottle on the table between them. "Do you have any more blue milk?"

To be continued….

Hope that was good and funny! Upcoming chapters will include (in no particular order): Han, Obi-Wan, the new ship's doctor and at least one character from the prequel movies!  


	8. Han Solo

Han Solo

Darth Vader had just left the living room when he heard the loud, insistent ringing of his doorbell. 

"Now what is it?" he fumed as he stalked towards the front door, hoping it wasn't that insane Prince Xizor searching for more pills. If it were, he'd just kill him on the spot. The past few hours he had spent with Luke was more frustrating than all the years as Obi-Wan's apprentice and that really said something. Reaching the door before one of his servants did, he flung it open.

"Hi Pops!" Han Solo said with a crooked grin, a cardboard box in his hands. Princess Leia stood next to the space pirate, her eyes scanning the surrounding area nervously. The Wookie Chewbacca stood on Han's other side. Behind them, Vader could see the familiar saucer shape of the Falcon parked on one of his landing platforms. 

Vader's heart skipped a beat even with the pacemaker that was supposed to keep it at a steady rhythm. One just didn't expect for General Solo to show up on your doorstep, even if he was going to marry your daughter! "What are you doing here?"

"We're moving in with you!" Han explained as he waited for Vader to invite them in. "Don't you remember? You said we could come and live with you!"

"I did?" Vader asked, confused. He remembered talking to General Solo about marrying his daughter but surely he hadn't issued such an invitation? How would he explain such a thing to the Emperor? Having Luke stay with him for a few days was one thing, but a house filled of Rebels with their ship parked in plain view of the entire Imperial City on his landing platform? It was just begging for trouble!

"Oh, move out of the way!" Leia elbowed Han in the side, knocking him to the metal platform just outside the door, the cardboard box falling to the ground. She then shoved her way past Vader with an elbow to his stomach. 

"Hey! That hurt!" Han sat up and rubbed at the arm he had landed on. "You don't have to be so rough!"

Chewie growled in agreement, flashing white teeth.

"Now get in here before someone spots you!" Princess Leia asked. "It was your crazy idea to come here, remember?"

"All right, Your Royal Highness. Don't get your knickers in a knot!" Han picked himself up from the metal floor, bending to scoop up his cardboard box. Squeezing past Vader, Han made his way inside. Setting the box down on a small table, he grinned at Leia. "See? What did I tell you? Nothing to it!"

After all the Rebels had come inside, Darth Vader closed the door. He eyed the box where General Solo had set it down. "What is inside the box?"

Han laughed. "Don't you trust us, Pops? It's just a special cake I baked."

"You … baked a cake?"

"Yeah." Han admitted, looking a bit embarrassed. "I have a kitchen on the Falcon, you know! It came in one of those kits. The cake, I mean, not the kitchen. Then I added some of my own ingredients to jazz it up a bit. It's a chocolate cake."

Vader peered at Han through the Force to see if the smuggler was telling the truth. He was. The box apparently really did contain a cake. "Due to the state of your ship, you will understand if I decline sharing the cake with you. Did you say you were … moving in?"

"Yeah." Han walked around the large entrance hall, admiring his reflection in the super-shiny marble floor. A large vase, filled with flowers, sat in the corner while round pillars held the ceiling up overhead. By the looks of it, Han was certain the giant vase was an antique. "Nice place you got here, Pops. Trust me, it'll be good for you to have us living with you! Besides, someone has to keep an eye on the kid. Where is he anyway?"

"In the living room," Vader pointed. "And my name is not 'pops'. It's Lord Vader."

"Ah," Han swung his hand in a dismissive gesture. "That's for your subordinates. I'm family. You don't use formal titles with family!"

"You're not in the family yet, General Solo."

"See? That's why you need us to live with you!" Han headed in the direction Vader had indicated, looking for Luke. It was clear the Sith Lord lived in a humongous house. Gleaming hallways stretched this way and that, lifts waiting to take passengers up to different floors. It would be very easy to miss Luke in this maze of confusion. "Well, if you don't want me calling you Pops, do you have another name I can use?"

"Darth?"

Han laughed, wiggling a finger at Vader as he walked backward. "Uh-uh! Caught you! That's another title, not a name!"

Vader grumbled under his breath. How the Sith had General Solo known that? Most people just assumed Darth was his first name and left it at that. In fact, he wasn't even too sure how he had gotten himself into this mess to start with. He had never dreamed that the smuggler would actually try to move in with him! And if his suspicions were correct, Han would prove to be as much trouble as Luke was! 

"Well? Do you?" Han asked again, grinning. "Come on, spit it out."

"Anakin." Vader reluctantly admitted. He hadn't wanted to say it, but what else could he tell Solo? He had thought his old life forever buried and gone, burned to ashes like half of his body had been by the magma, but with his children in his life now the old memories were returning. 

"See? That wasn't so hard now, was it?" Han remarked as they finally reached the living room. 

The empty living room.

"Where's the kid?" Han asked as he entered the room and glanced around. The only signs that Luke had been there was the dirty plate and glass along with the empty bottle of blue milk. Han picked up the milk jug and peered at the label. "Well, it sure looks like he was here."

Leia's eyes went wide as a thought occurred to her. "Han, where did you leave that cake?"

"Near the front door." Han replied. His dark eyes went wide with realization and he dashed out of the room, his boots sliding on the floor. He banged into the far wall, gripped it a moment to regain his balance then ran all out back the way he had come. "LUKE! LUKE!"

"I told you it was a bad idea, you nerf herder!" Leia went running after Han, Chewie growling and running after his two human friends.

"Now what in the Sith is going on?" Darth Vader had no choice but to run after his houseguests. Within moments he reached the front entrance to see Han holding the empty cardboard box, a few chocolate crumbs marring its bottom.

"Someone ate the poison cake!" Han blurted out.

"WHAT?!" Vader shouted at General Solo, the Dark Side swelling in him like a tidal wave. "You brought a poison cake into my palace?"

"Well, it was for Palpatine!" Han admitted as he peered into the empty cake box, as if it could magically tell him who had eaten it. "Hey, I didn't know the kid was going to eat it! It wasn't easy baking it, all right? I even went through the trouble to write HAPPY 180th BIRTHDAY PALPATINE – YOU LOOK LIKE A DRIED UP OLD MUMMY! on it!"

"I should choke you for this, Solo!" Vader itched to kill him, but he needed Solo alive to say what kind of poison he had used. Perhaps there was an antidote. If they could find Luke fast enough….

"Oh, it wasn't REAL poison!" Leia admitted quickly, trying to sooth Vader's rising anger. "Han didn't have any real poison! So he improvised with what he found on the Falcon."

"What did you put in that cake, Solo?" Lord Vader demanded as he grabbed Solo by his white shirt and picked him up off the floor, slamming his back into the nearest wall. "And what makes you think Luke ate it?"

"Because the kid is always hungry! He'll eat almost anything!" 

"And the ingredients?"

"Well…" Han struggled to breathe as Vader held him off the floor. Maybe Leia had been right. Trying to kill Palpatine with a poison cake hadn't been such a hot idea.  "There was the regular chocolate cake mix from a box…"

"And?"

"A bottle of Saurian Brandy, the good one hundred proof stuff!"

"You put ALCOHOL in a cake?!"

"Yeah. And an entire twenty-four pack of Coke. I used a special gizmo to extract all the caffeine from the soda and only added the caffeine! That plus the alcohol was supposed to kill the old geezer!"

"Tell him the rest!" Leia demanded, her hands on her hips.

Vader shook Solo for good measure. "There was more?"

"Well, some dusty bottle of blue liquid we found in that old guy's hut in the desert. I figure it couldn't hurt."

Vader dropped Han to the floor. The 'old guy' was no doubt Obi-Wan and the blue liquid was more alcohol! 

"And, well, I kind of baked in a few creepy crawlies I caught in the cake batter for crunchiness." 

"BUGS? My son ate a cake with bugs in it?" Vader pulled his lightsaber from his belt and flipped it on. "I'll kill you, Solo!"

"AHHHHHH!" Han went barreling down the corridor deeper into Vader's house, shrieking as loudly as he could, Darth Vader hot on his trail. 

"Well, I see Father is getting along just fine with my fiancé." Leia remarked dryly to Chewie. 

"GROWL!" Chewie agreed.

"I guess we'll have to go find Luke before he gets himself into more trouble! Wherever he is, he's probably stinking drunk and hyper. I just wish I knew how to use the Force to track him down, if I even have it. Unfortunately, the only one who IS able to track Luke down is running around like a maniac with a sword."

"RUFF!"

"Good idea." Leia bent and picked up the antique vase, flowers and all. Then she waited patiently. Just as she suspected, Han came running through a second time, still shrieking like a siren. It appeared he still had all his body parts so he must have managed to stay in front of Vader for the entire lap. When Vader came around the corner, Leia tossed the vase at his helmet.

CRASH!

Vader's boots slid on the wet floor and he slipped, falling. His lightsaber fell out of his hand and it automatically deactivated itself. He lay for a moment on the floor, dazed. Who had clobbered him with a vase?

Leia marched up to her father and gripped the end of his long black cape tightly in both hands. She then proceeded to drag him across the marble floor towards the nearby open door. "Quite horsing around with Han! We need to go find Luke!"

Vader called his lightsaber to his hand. How in the Sith had he ended up with such a bold daughter?

"Where you going?" Han called as he cautiously poked his head out from a hallway. "I was just starting to enjoy that!"


	9. Palpatine

You guys are great! I can't believe I'm getting so many wonderful reviews! I never received so many reviews on a story before. I'll try to keep this story going so you can laugh some more at the crazy antics of out favorite SW characters! Be assured, Vader will have a lot more wacky conversations in the future! I have more ideas planned for this fic! Now on to the story…

Palpatine

Luke Skywalker stumbled out of one of Coruscant's many stores; a giant wrapped package tucked under one arm. He wavered for a moment, staring around in confusion. The flashing lights, rushing traffic and the loud din of thousands of life forms befuddled his mind, that and the uncustomary alcohol rushing through his system. He still clutched the partly eaten cake in one hand and somehow had managed to keep it mostly intact. 

Where had he been going? And why couldn't he remember what planet he was on? It had all seemed so clear a few moments ago when he had bought the gift. Luke shook his head, laughing. The neon lights seemed to laugh with him, which only caused Luke to laugh even harder. Passer-byes were giving him odd looks and steering wide paths around him, fear clear in their eyes. Glancing down at the gift-wrapped box, he decided he better get going to wherever it was he was supposed to be. "But where is that and why can't I remember?"

A bright red airspeeder pulled up to the curb and idled in the air. The woman driver had long red hair and amazing green eyes. "Skywalker! I found you at last!"

Luke's mouth dropped open as he openly stared at her. He had never seen such a beautiful woman in all his life and it struck him speechless. The giant package started to sag towards the ground and Luke did nothing to stop it. He just stood there gawking at her while the box landed near his feet. 

"Skywalker! Don't just stand there like an idiot, get in the speeder!" She bellowed at him.

"M…me?" Luke asked.

"I don't see anyone else named Skywalker around here, do you? Now get in! Don't make me tell you again."

Luke took an unsteady step towards the red speeder. His boot tip hit the box and he tripped over it, falling to the metal walkway with a thud and partly crushing the box. He groaned, and then rolled over onto his back. 

"Oh, for Forces's sake! And here I thought you'd be a challenge!" She leaped out of the airspeeder and went over to the drunk Jedi. Gripping him under his arms, she yanked him roughly to his feet quite easily. She steered him toward the waiting vehicle and shoved him at the passenger's seat. "Now get in! I don't have all day."

"Wait! My cake!" Luke pushed away from the speeder and stumbled back to his box and cake. Picking them up had almost been more than he could handle and for a long moment he was sure he was about to take another face-dive into the dirt. Only the mysterious woman's firm grasp of the back of his shirt saved him from that embarrassment. For the second time he allowed her to herd him to the speeder and he clumsily got in.

"Skywalker, you better not smear that chocolate all over my speeder or your one dead Jedi!"

*.*.*.*

Darth Vader picked himself up, brushing a few wet flowers off his black armor. The first thing he noticed was that his speeder was gone. "Luke appears to have taken my speeder."

"Oh, that's just great!" Leia moaned as she imagined all the horrible things that could happen to her drunk brother behind the steering wheel of a supped-up airspeeder. None of them were very pleasant. "He'll probably cause some major pile-up somewhere! He's not used to drinking, you know."

"I gathered that." Vader remarked dryly. "Never fear, Daughter. We will soon have him safe and sound. I have a tracking device on my speeder and we'll know exactly where he is within moments."

Pulling a small device off his belt, Vader activated it. A map of Imperial City appeared in the device's window and Leia moved closer so she could peer at it, too. The single red blinking dot held their attention, for it represented the location of the missing speeder. "He's in the shopping district," Vader explained to his daughter. "The light isn't moving, so he must have parked the speeder."

"Or crashed."

Vader closed his eyes, reaching out with the Force towards his son. The jumbled impression he received reassured him that Luke was all right for the moment, if a bit tipsy. "He is uninjured."

"Well, that's a relief." Leia said. "We better go get him before something else happens!"

They were about to go get Vader's other airspeeder when Han stuck his head out the open door. "Hey, Pops! There's some old geezer on the com for you!"

Vader's anger surged anew at the sight of General Solo. It was his fault that Luke was lost in Coruscant somewhere, drunk and high on caffeine! "What do you want now, Solo? What 'old geezer' are you referring to?"

"How the heck am I supposed to know who he is?" Han complained sourly. "He's just some old wrinkled guy with blood-shot eyes wearing some hooded bath-robe thing. Wait, I'll go ask who he is…"

"Han!" Leia exclaimed, her brown eyes opening wide. "That's Emperor Palpatine!"

"Huh? No wonder he looked so ugly." Han turned around to go back inside. "I'll tell him to go drop dead."

"NO!" Vader hurried after Han and gripped the smuggler by his shoulder. "You will do no such thing while you're staying at my house! Are you trying to get me killed?"

"Of course not!" Han tried to wiggle out of Vader's grasp. "It's Palpatine I'm trying to kill, not you!"

"Then I suggest do not make threats to the Emperor from MY palace on MY com!"

"Gee, you sure are fussy!" Han mumbled and tore out of Vader's grasp. "Where's your kitchen?"

"Why?" Vader asked, suspicious.

"I need to bake another poison cake since Luke screwed up my plan! What else do you think?"

"NO! NO MORE POISON FOODS!" Vader bellowed as he lost control of his temper. "Do not interfere, Solo. My son is still lost and if you're correct, the Emperor wishes to speak to me. If you value your life, do not move from that spot. And I want you nowhere near my kitchen, ever. You have done enough damage for one day."

Vader stalked past Han and went into the other room where the com was. His boss was waiting there for him, the image in three-D. "What is thy bidding, My Master?"

"You will join me at my palace, Lord Vader. We have things to discuss."

"I will be there shortly." Vader bowed his helmeted head in respect, and then watched as the transmission was terminated at the other end. His mind quickly went through a list of possible things Palpatine could want and came up with no sure answer. The message had been extremely short and vague. Had the Emperor found out about the Rebels staying in his home so soon? And hadn't Palpatine sounded a bit … odd? Vader turned to Han. "What did you say to him before you called me?"

"Nothing! Just that you were outside." Han said as he backed away from the Sith Lord. "Hey, how was I supposed to know that was the Emperor? He looks a lot more mummified since the last time I saw his mug on the holo news."

"I must go see what the Emperor wants." Vader shook a finger at Han, which the Sith Lord was suspecting didn't do any good at all. "And you are to stay here while I'm gone. Do not answer my com."

"Whatever you say, Pops!" Han smiled.

"But what about Luke? We just can't leave him out there by himself!" Princess Leia protested. "I doubt if he was ever drunk in his entire life. Why, there's no telling what he might do!"

"Oh, very well. Take my speeder and go see if you can find him while I meet with the Emperor." Darth Vader handed Leia the tracking device and a hand held com unit. "If you find him, call me. And if I find out anything, I'll call you."

The three left Vader's palace, with Chewie staying behind to guard the Falcon. Besides, a Wookie would stand out too much in Imperial City. Han and Leia left in one airspeeder while Vader took a third speeder he had. Being second only to Palpatine himself, Vader could buy as many speeders as he wanted and in this case they all came in handy. 

*.*.*.*

Darth Vader stepped through the double doors and into the Emperor's Throne Room. What met him there was total chaos! The Dark Lord paused for a moment, confused, trying to figure out exactly what was going on here. But as hard as his mind worked on the scene before him, it made no sense whatsoever. 

At least he had found his missing son.

Luke sat in the Emperor's throne, laughing gleefully as the chair spun around and around. His face was smeared with chocolate and what appeared to be a big gob of cake was clutched in one hand. How Luke had come to be here and sitting in the throne chair was a total mystery.

Palpatine glanced up at Vader from where he stood near the spinning throne, hutched over. There was chocolate smeared around his mouth and crumbs down the front of his robe. "Come in, Lord Vader! Don't lurk in the doorway like that. Your son has brought me some wonderful things!"

"Things, My Master?" Darth Vader asked cautiously. There was some large object near the Emperor's feet but he couldn't make out what it was yet, just that it was large and square. 

Palpatine picked up a long wooden bat and held it at the ready. "That new chef you have is a genius, Lord Vader! I haven't had this much energy in years!"

Dread began to build in Vader. Surely Palpatine hadn't been eating that poison cake Solo had baked? "Chef?"

"Don't be so modest, Lord Vader! You know perfectly well I mean that delicious Mummy Cake! It even had the name written on it in frosting! How clever." Palpatine bent over the object, poised to attack. The square box that rested on the floor had a dozen round holes on its surface. Without warning, a whomp rat poked its head out of one of the holes. Palpatine swung the bat, hitting the rat squarely on its head. He laughed evilly and struck another rat, then aimed for a third that popped out.

HO-PAH. HO-PAH. HO-PAH.

Vader couldn't believe his eyes. Emperor Palpatine was playing Whomp Rat!

Luke clung to the hand rests of the throne as it spun faster and faster. His head was pressed to one side as centrifugal force gripped him. His face started to take on a greenish tone as the mix of spinning and alcohol caught up with him.

Palpatine leaped up and down, as he grew more excited with the game. The rats popped up and down faster, causing Palpatine to miss bashing them with his bat. "DIE! DIE! DIE, YOU HORRIBLE RODENTS!!"

Vader stood where he was, utterly speechless.

The Emperor grew angrier as the game continued to best him at every opportunity. His swings went wild, totally missing the round holes he was aiming at. He was always too slow, too late. Fed up, Palpatine dropped the bat and called upon the Dark Side. Aiming at the game, he began to fry it with Force Lightning at he cackled like a maniac. 

The throne unscrewed itself from the floor and toppled over. Luke went flying and landed several feet away from the busted chair. The room spinning wildly around him, he weakly crawled to a shaft that partly stuck up out of the floor. Gripping its rim with both hands, Luke pulled himself part way up and promptly threw up into the opening. 

Darth Vader found himself idly wondering what the vomit would do to the power supply at the bottom of the building.

Filled with Force Lightning, one of the mechanical Whomp Rats picked up the dropped bat and started beating on Palpatine with it. More angry rats leaped out of their holes and raced at the now startled Emperor. Hands in the air, Palpatine ran from the room screaming. "GUARDS! GUARDS! HELP!"

Going over to his sick son, Vader helped Luke to his feet. "Come, Son. It's time for us to go home."

To be continued…

**Well, I hope that was funny! For a while I thought I almost lost this chapter when Word unexpectedly closed on me, but I was able to find it with the help of a friend. Can anyone guess who the lady Luke met was? Grin. I'll try to get more Xizor and Palpatine in future chapters!**


	10. ObiWan

Obi-Wan

It was the end of a long day and Darth Vader finally had a moment to himself. He had managed to get his drunken son home and into bed, where Luke had passed out. Han, Leia and the Wookie had been given guest rooms in his castle. And Palpatine, well, Palpatine wasn't his problem for the moment. He presumed the red-cloaked guards had taken care of the rats that had been beating on the Emperor. The whole scene in the Throne Room had been so unreal Vader still had a hard time believing it had actually happened. And to think that the Emperor had actually LIKED that cake Solo had baked!

Removing the black body armor, mask and helmet, Vader hooked himself up to the respirator. Of course, he had taken the added precaution of securely locking his bedroom door before removing the armor. The last thing he wanted was for that imbecile Solo barging in on him during the middle of the night and seeing him undressed. No one knew what he looked like and he had grown accustomed to it that way. It was bad enough that he had told Solo his real name in a moment of weakness. Who knew what damage the smuggler could do with that information?

How was he to deal with all these problems? His family situation was a nightmare! His son stinking drunk on a poisoned cake and talking to dead men, his daughter engaged to that Solo and Solo living in his house while plotting the Emperor's assassination! It was enough to drive any sane Sith mad!

Worse, he couldn't even have the satisfaction of killing Solo!

What was a father to do?

"Perhaps I should meditate on it." Vader said to himself. Then he remembered the promise he had made to Luke, the one about the ten minutes of peace. Was it possible? Could he actually let go of the Dark Side for a measly ten minutes after all those years? 

"Do or do not. There is no try." 

Vader remembered Master Yoda's words of wisdom from his years as a Padawan. What would Yoda say about this situation? But then, the little green Jedi Master had never understood the concept of family. None of the Jedi did. How could they, raised since infants in the crèche by the Jedi, never having a mother or father. Yoda would probably just say the same old thing: it was wrong for a Jedi to marry, wrong to reproduce, wrong to care about one's children. The only thing that mattered to Master Yoda and the rest of the Council Members was staying loyal to the Order. Had he been so wrong to want both? It hadn't been his fault he had fallen in love with Padme.

"Why am I thinking of all this stuff for? I'm a Sith now. It's all in the past."

If he was going to meditate, he needed to clear his mind. Making himself comfortable on the meditation mat he kept in his quarters, Vader closed his eyes. One by one, he pushed stray thoughts out of his mind and locked them away. Going deeper and deeper inside himself, he searched for the serenity that he hadn't experienced in decades. Hate, anger and lust for revenge blocked his path, but he shoved them aside as well. A bright glow was ahead of him and he went towards it, curious as to what it could be. When he reached it, Vader discovered it was his love for Luke and Leia. He allowed himself to bask in its warm glow, content.

"Hello, Anakin." A voice interrupted him.

Darth Vader's startled eyes flew open. A ghostly, bluish-white apparition was standing before him. That robe, the beard, the blue eyes; it was familiar to him. But the last time he had seen Obi-Wan was when he had killed him! "How…?"

"There are many things about the Force you still have to learn, my very young apprentice." Obi-Wan said to Vader with a half smile on his face. "Surely you didn't think you could get rid of me that easily, did you?"

"You are no longer my master, Obi-Wan!" Vader rose to his feet to face the ghost that had barged unannounced into his quarters. "I am the master now and more powerful than you ever were!"

Obi-Wan rolled his blue eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. "Why must it always be competition with you, Anakin? Being a Jedi was never about power! What must I do to get that through your thick head? That's what happens when I take a podracer to be an apprentice!"

"And you, Obi-Wan, have always been getting yourself into disasters!"

"Oh, really?" Obi-Wan remarked. "Like when? I think your memory is a bit fuddled from being a Sith."

"I was always rescuing you! You couldn't keep yourself out of trouble for five minutes!" Vader pointed a finger at his former master accusingly, anger rising in his voice. "What kind of master were you? You got stuck in that pit of Gundarks on Vanqor, trapped in the arena on Geonosis and you jumped out of a window!"

"Well, I could say the same of you, Anakin." 

"My name is Darth Vader!"

"What ever you say, Anakin." 

"Are you deaf as well as dead?" 

"I can hear you perfectly fine, my very, very, very young and astray apprentice. I could point out the numerous things you did as well, like falling into the Zone of Self Containment and not even bothering to tell me, the illegal garbage pit races and getting married! But I won't. We should try to put that behind us so we can straighten you out."

"Straighten ME out?! Why, you're the one that caused all the problems!" Vader shouted angrily, his voice sounding odd to his own ears without the mechanical unit on his mask that gave his voice that deep sound. "You nearly got us both killed on Ragoon-6! You suspected I was following the wrong trail but didn't say anything just because you weren't sure. Those bounty hunters almost killed us because you were worried about looking foolish!"

Instead of becoming angry, Obi-Wan remained calm. "If I remember that exercise correctly, Anakin, you ate muffin crumbs off the ground that day."

"So? It was part of the training exercise in tracking Wren!" Vader was quickly growing tired and annoyed at Obi-Wan's presence. "I've had enough of this debate. You will stop haunting my son and screwing up his brain!"

"Haunting?" Obi-Wan laughed. "I only give Luke advice when he needs it. Someone needs to be there to guide him on his quest to become a Jedi."

"Be gone, evil spirit!" Vader shouted at his former master's spirit.

Obi-Wan fell to the floor, laughing. "I forgot what a wit you had, youngling! Maybe you should try shaking some rattles and feathers, too!"

"What must I do to be rid of you?" Vader leaped forward, planning on landing on top of Obi-Wan's chest with his feet. But he only flew so far when the hose of the respirator yanked him backward, knocking him off his feet. Vader crashed to the floor with a loud thud, the breath knocked out of him momentarily.

Obi-Wan howled even harder from his spot on the floor, ghostly tears running down his face. "I missed being with you, Padawan. You used to play all those pranks on me, but I think this one backfired!"

Darth Vader shook his baldhead to clear it, and then got to his feet again. He glared at the ghostly Jedi Master, anger clear in his eyes. Nothing he tried seemed to work on this apparition. He didn't even understand how Obi-Wan could be here talking to him like this. Somehow he doubted if a lightsaber would cause any real damage to the spirit, it would only amuse his dead master more and he didn't wish to amuse Obi-Wan. No, he wanted him gone before he goofed even more things up! But how do you get rid of a ghost? But first, he might as well get a few more things off his chest. "You knew Princess Leia was my daughter and yet you hooked her up with that smuggler, Solo!"

"I suppose that's my fault as well, hmmm?" Obi-Wan picked himself off the floor and stood watching his former apprentice. "He seemed quite a capable fellow. And you know, you really need to work on controlling that temper of yours, Anakin. That's the root cause of many of your problems. Yes, I'm to blame for many things that went wrong in your training and I deeply regret that. But you are the Chosen One, Anakin, and you must restore balance to the Force. I thought you were lost to me, but since you can see me now I guess you're not that lost anymore. But we do need to work on your people skills. Going around Force choking people is just not acceptable."

"I'll Force choke you, you… you… GHOST!" Vader reached out with the Force as he had done hundreds of times but to no avail. He just couldn't grip a windpipe that wasn't there. His face turned red from the anger surging through him.

"Anakin, you best calm down before you blow a gasket."

"And I wouldn't have gaskets if it weren't for you and that magma pit!"

"Would you feel better if I were to let you push me into a magma pit?"

"But it wouldn't DO you anything!" Vader protested loudly.

"Well, I certainly wouldn't want to go in one when I was alive!"

"This is crazy! I'm arguing with a ghost! Why in the galaxy am I arguing with a ghost for? I must be nuts!" Vader sat down heavily on his bed, the anger fleeing from him. "It finally happened. General Solo drove me nuts!"

Kneeling down before him, Obi-Wan gazed into his Padawan's blue eyes. "You're not nuts, Anakin. I'm really here and talking to you. And your son isn't nuts, either. He doesn't need to see a shrink."

"Just stay away from my son! You already turned him into a geek around women!" Vader ordered in his best command voice. "Don't you have someone else to go haunt besides Luke?"

Obi-Wan smiled, a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. "Yes, actually I DO have someone else to go haunt besides Luke. It'll keep me very, very busy."

"Good!" Vader said, relieved. "Then go get started."

"I'll start this very minute!" Obi-Wan assured him with a grin.

To be continued…

Well, hope you found that funny! The planets and missions referred to in this chapter are from the Jedi Quest series, which I love reading. Obi-Wan is one of my favorite characters. And yes, that was Mara in the last chapter and you'll see her again in future chapters. I'll try to get the next chapter up soon! And thanks for all the wonderful reviews! They inspire me to write more chapters. J

**Anonymous-cat: I didn't put any links in my story. Perhaps the spacing I tried using in two places caused the weird blue 'links' you saw in chapter 9? I wanted to separate the scene changes. Using the regular little dots wasn't working, as they disappeared whenever I change the file to html. So I tried using a mixture of . and * in the story. Maybe they confused your browser? If the 'links' were located where the scenes changed (from Luke on the street to Vader's palace, from Vader's palace to Palpatine's Throne Room), then it was the spacing I tried. I just looked at chapter 9 on fanfics and I don't see the links at all … ??? **


	11. Sawbones

Sawbones 

"Unhand me, you goons!" the man complained loudly as he was escorted down one of the many gleaming corridors of the Star Destroyer Executor by two stormtroopers. The stormtroopers held him securely by the upper arms, their grip solid and firm. Surrounded by all the white, the man's bright red tunic and black pants stood out. "I don't need anyone to escort me to Sickbay! I've been a ship's surgeon long before you goons were out of diapers! What the heck is this, a dictatorship?"

"We're only doing our job, Sir." One of the stormtroopers replied. "We were ordered to escort you to Sickbay."

"I demand my rights to an attorney! I've been shanghaied!" 

"Sickbay is right ahead, Sir. We'll be there in a few moments." The other stormtrooper added.

"Who's in charge of this sorry excuse for a starship?" The man tried to wiggle out of the stormtrooper's grasp but they held him firmly. They rounded a corner and passed through a doorway. The man stopped and shoved the troopers off, glancing around. "You call this a Sickbay? This is the sorriest medical facility I've ever seen, it's worst than a pigsty!"

"Lord Vader isn't currently on board, Sir." The first stormtrooper replied. His helmeted head glanced wistfully at the nearby exit. 

"Well, where the heck is he?" The man complained, hands on his hips. He turned to glare at the two troopers with angry pale blue eyes, large bags under both eyes. His hair was still dark although it was going gray in places. When the troopers didn't move, he glared at them harder. "Well? Just don't stand there, man, go get him on the horn! If I'm going to be a doctor on this tub I'll need the proper medical equipment."

"Umm … one just doesn't bother Lord Vader, Sir." The second trooper tried to explain.

"Hmmph!" The man didn't seem impressed. "And why not?"

"Well, he has a bad temper. And he has the Force. And he can choke people with it." 

"And I can make your whole body go numb by poking you with my finger!" The doctor pointed his index finger at the troopers and watched satisfied as they both quickly backed away from him. "Now I don't care if this Lord Vader fellow is God, I want him up here now. I already met two Gods and lived to tell the tale, so I'm not impressed."

"But…"

"As Chief Medical Officer, I outrank EVERYONE on this tub and you better not forget it." A droid rolled past the doctor and entered Sickbay. Turning, he followed it with his eyes. "What the heck is THAT?"

"A droid, Sir." 

"Well, go grab it and get it out of here! What do I look like, an engineer? I won't have any robots in MY Sickbay! You can't trust those things. The moment you turn your back on them they'll start taking over the whole ship! You mark my word. I've seen it happen, too." The doctor complained loudly, waving his hands about in the air. 

"Umm, Sir?" the first stormtrooper asked hesitantly. "What about the medical droids?"

"Medical droids?" he snorted. "Now wonder you people shanghaied me! Relying on droids to cure people. It's a nightmare! Get them ALL out of here and while you're at it, take that big swimming pool of green gunk, too."

"But Sir! That's the bacta tank!" 

"I don't care if it's the warp drive! Get it out of here." The doctor shook his head sadly and ventured into his new office. He would soon have this place in tiptop shape. Placing his black bag onto the wooden desk, he turned to peer out into the main sickbay. The two troopers were still standing there, looking at each other. "Well? Now what's wrong?"

"Where are we supposed to move it to, Sir?" 

The doctor rolled his eyes. These guys were worst than trainees! "Transfer it to a different ship in the fleet, on my authority. Now get busy! I need room for REAL medical equipment."

"Yes, Sir!" The stormtroopers went to a comlink on the wall and called their superior officer, reporting the need for more troopers to move the bacta tank out of Sickbay. Soon the room was filled with men dressed in white and black armor. They surrounded the tank and began moving it, the liquid bacta still inside. 

The new doctor watched for a few moments, shaking his head sadly. They were all a bunch of idiots!

"Some fool better not bother me with a hangnail."

*.*.*.*

Down on Coruscant a new day was dawning, the sun rising up into the pale sky. The insistent ringing of his comlink awakened Darth Vader from a sound sleep. Sitting up in bed, he punched the button for audio only. Since he wasn't properly dressed yet, he couldn't let anyone see him without his mask. "Yes? What is it?"

"The new ship's doctor has arrived, Lord Vader. He is demanding to see you, Sir."

"Very well. I will be up shortly." As Vader showered and dressed, thoughts rolled around in his mind. So Palpatine had apparently found the new doctor he had mentioned. Perhaps that had been the real reason for his call yesterday and he had become ill from General Solo's cake before the Sith Lord had reached his palace. Thinking of his son lying sick in bed from Solo's foul cooking, the doctor's arrival couldn't be better. He would test this new doctor out and see if he could do anything for Luke. He was just about to put on his mask when a voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Good morning, Anakin." Obi-Wan's bluish-white spirit said cheerfully.

"What are you doing here?" Vader shook an angry fist at the image. "Go away. I have matters to attend to now."

"I'll just tag along then." The ghost replied.

Vader scowled under the mask as he attached his long black cape. "That's all I need! On top of all the other problems I have, you have to be following me around! I liked it better when I couldn't see you."

The dead Jedi didn't reply, just followed Vader out of the bedroom. Out in the corridor, they ran into Han, Leia and Chewie. The three Rebels were standing outside of Luke's room, worried expressions on their faces. 

"Luke is sick." Leia told her father. "He keeps vomiting and his skin is cold and clammy. I think we better take him to see a doctor."

"There is a new doctor on my ship. We'll go see him." Vader entered his son's bedroom and saw that Luke was awake, one hand gripping his forehead. "How do you feel, Son?"

"Like a herd of banthas ran me over and that they're still inside my head, jumping on my brain." Luke said weakly. "I never felt so terrible!"

"You have a hangover." Obi-Wan told Luke. "It will pass."

"Ben?" Luke stared at the spot where Obi-Wan stood and weakly lifted a finger in the air in the ghost's direction. "One… two… three. There are three of you!"

"Firmly drunk." The spirit stated dryly, arms crossed over his chest.

Vader turned to his former master, anger in his voice. He stabbed a black-gloved finger at the ghost's chest. "You stay out of this!"

Han watched Vader talking to the empty air and moved a few steps closer to Leia, whispering. "I think your old man just went around the bend, if you know what I mean. He's a stack short of a full load."

"There's … someone there, Han. A … glowing man!" Leia whispered, her eyes wide in surprise. "I… I think it's General Kenobi."

"What kind of family am I marrying into?" Han muttered to himself, staring suspiciously at the empty air. "Seeing things that's not there…First Luke, then Vader and now Leia. Whatever it is, it's catching!"

Han bolted towards the door.

"Han, where are you going?" Leia cried as she hurried after him.

"This place is haunted! I'm getting out of here before the spooks get me!" 

"Don't be ridiculous!" Leia said as she caught up with Han in the hallway and gripped his wrist. Holding on to him, she patted his hand. "Don't worry, Han. I promise you General Kenobi won't do you anything. And he's not a spook, just a dear old friend of the family."

"How can you be sure?" Han glanced nervously around at the walls and ceiling, as if expecting invisible hands to grab him. "I heard stories, Leia. Things you probably didn't hear, but I've been in some real rough places in my day and spacers talk. I didn't believe them, but with all three you seeing dead people…"

"Han! Those are just stories!" Leia rolled her eyes. Then she hugged him close, one arm over his shoulders. "You met General Kenobi, remember?"

"I did? When?" 

"When you first met Luke and rescued me from the Death Star."

"You mean that old man with the hokey religion?" Han asked, recognition dawning in his brown eyes. He shoved Leia on the side and ran back into Luke's room. "That old guy owes me money!"

Inside the bedroom, Vader was helping his son out of bed. He gripped Luke under the arms while Chewie took his legs. Together, the two would carry the sick young man to Vader's shuttle. 

Han looked around the room wildly, not seeing anything. So he started jumping up and down, waving his arms in the air. "Hey! Hey, over here! Come on, where are you?"

"GROWL?" Chewie asked Han.

"No, I'm not crazy! I'm trying to collect some money!"

"GRRRROWWLLL?" The Wookie grunted, worried.

"Hey, I know what I'm doing!" Han assured his friend. "The guy's around here somewhere and I'm going to find him!"

"ROOORRR?"

"No, you can't smell him! He's dead!" Han waved an arm at his co-pilot. "Just carry Luke to the shuttle. I'll handle this deadbeat."

Chewie shook his head, but did as he was told. 

The smuggler stood in the now empty bedroom, scratching his chin. He was sure they're had to be a way to collect from the guy, but how? "Darn it! Everyone else can see him but me! I bet he arranged it that way. Probably hiding on lots of other bill collectors, too."

Han started down the hallway after his friends, a new idea forming in his warped brain. "If only I could make myself invisible!"

Outside, they all boarded Vader's Imperial Shuttle. Luke's friends were determined to go with him to see the doctor. There was no way they were going to hide in Vader's house while their friend was so sick, even if that meant going onto the Executor. They strapped the sick man into his seat and soon after that the shuttle took off. It flew up through the atmosphere of Coruscant and reached the blackness of space. Shortly after that, it landed safely in the Star Destroyer's shuttle bay. They disembarked and headed for Sickbay. 

In the corridor to Sickbay, they passed a large group of stormtroopers, their white armor coated with green slime. Large shards of glass littered the floor as well as a virtual river of the green stuff.

"That smells like bacta." Han commented as he carefully trod on the slippery liquid. 

"What has happened here?" Lord Vader demanded to know. The green gunk was getting all over his boots and the hem of his cape was dragging in the stuff. Also, with each step more of the bacta splashed up onto his black pants, leaving little green freckles. It was very undignified!

"Lord Vader! The bacta tank broke as we were moving it to the shuttle bay." A stormtrooper explained. 

"On who's order were you moving it from Sickbay?"

"The new doctor, Sir! He refused to have it in the Sickbay, said he needed the room for real medical equipment! Sir!"

"Clean up this mess. I will deal with the new doctor." Vader replied as he continued towards Sickbay. Soon the party reached Sickbay and entered carrying Luke.

"Quick! Bring him over here!" The doctor told them as he led them over to the biobed. As soon as they placed the sick Jedi onto the strange bed, the monitor at the bed's head started to beep and little colored lights flashed. The doctor glanced at the readout and seemed to understand it. "Hmmm, drunk and overdosed on caffeine. What the heck has this man been eating? And I thought getting Jim to stay on a diet was bad. It's a good thing you brought this poor fellow in because all that caffeine is putting a strain on his heart. I'll fix him up in a jiffy."

Pulling a hypo out, he chose a setting on it and held it up to the light to check for air bubbles. Then he pressed it to Luke's arm and it hissed, injecting something into the Jedi's blood system. The warning indicators above the bed quieted and the flashing lights slowed. The doctor turned to face them. "He'll be fine now, just needs some sleep."

"You are the new doctor, I presume? I am Lord Vader." The Sith Lord glanced around the Sickbay, noticing not only was the bacta tank gone but all the medical droids as well. Turning back to the doctor, he realized he was being scanned by some hand-held medical device.

"By God, man! What happened to you? Sealing a man up in a tin can like corned beef isn't the answer! The original problem must be repaired! I knew this place was bad, but this is the Dark Ages!" The doctor started to run around the room wildly, pulling stuff out of cabinets. 

"What are you doing?" Vader asked, nervous all of a sudden. This doctor wasn't like any of the others he had had working on his ship. Like General Solo, the man showed no fear of him whatsoever. The doctor's sudden slew of activity almost seemed to suggest that he thought there was a cure for his condition, which of course, there wasn't. 

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm getting ready to operate!" The doctor replied in a huff.

"On who?" Vader asked, afraid of the answer.

"On who? On you, of course! I can't allow a sick man to be walking around the ship!"

With that answer, Vader bolted into the hallway and fled. In the past, he suffered the poking and prodding of too many doctors. There was no way he was going to allow this strange new one operate on him, especially one who didn't even use bacta tanks!

"Come back here! You're in no condition to go galloping around the galaxy or anywhere else!" The doctor gave chase down the hallway, waving his hypo in the air. He soon caught up with the Sith Lord in the lift. "I assure you, I'm a real doctor unlike those loonies that served on this ship in the past. I spent some time going over the medical logs and the atrocities they got away with is horrifying."

"There is no cure for my condition." Vader told him, angry with himself for his temporary moment of weakness.

"With the medical advances these days, there's no reason a person shouldn't live to one hundred fifty-years-old!" The chief surgeon told him. "Says so right in the medical journals I read. Maybe even two hundred if you take good care of yourself."

"That is impossible." Vader scoffed.

"No it's not. I'd need to examine you more thoroughly, but I assure you I can cure almost anything. I've been the Chief Surgeon and Medical Officer aboard a starship more years than I can count. And these days the only thing that's still hard to fix are brain injuries. Since there's nothing wrong with your brain, I'm confident I can cure you."

Vader crossed his arms over the blinking lights on his chest panel. How many doctors had promised they could cure him, only to discover they couldn't? But perhaps he could devise a test for the annoying doctor to keep him off his back for a while. "There is something else you may help me with first."

"What?" the doctor asked, staring up at Vader's black mask.

"I wish you to find a solution to the poltergeist that's following me around."

"A poltergeist? What do you think I am, a ghostbuster?" Flinging his arms up into the air, the doctor headed back towards Sickbay. "Come along and I'll see what I can do. Poltergeist, indeed!"

Vader followed him.

As the doctor passed through the doorway to Sickbay, he stared up at the ceiling. "Dear Lord, why do I always have to get the crazy ones?"

To be continued….

**Hope that was funny! I know it's not as funny as some chapters, but I guess they all can't be hilarious. Can anyone guess who the doctor is? Yep, I borrowed him from somewhere else. The next chapter might be with Luke! But Mara will be coming up soon! **


	12. Luke

Luke

"Oow, my head." Luke muttered as he slowly opened his eyes and found himself lying in a strange bed in a strange room. When he tried to sit up, the black-gloved hand of his father pushed him back down. The young Jedi turned his head so he could see his father's black mask. "What … what happened?"

"You were drunk, Son." Vader told him, a disapproving note in his voice. 

"Drunk? But I couldn't be drunk!" Luke protested wildly and tried to sit up again. His father made no move to stop him but the crazily spinning room convinced Luke to lie still for the moment. Resting his head back onto the soft pillow, he sent his father a puzzled look. "How did I get drunk?" 

"By eating General Solo's poison cake."

"A poison cake?" Luke thought back to the other night, his brow wrinkled with the effort. "I do vaguely remember a chocolate cake. Hmmm, it tasted really good! But what do you mean it was poisoned? Is that why I'm in the hospital?"

"It was Solo's lame attempt to poison the Emperor." Vader explained as he sat on the edge of Luke's bed. "Luckily for you, Son, there was no true poison in the cake. Unfortunately, he added a massive amount of caffeine and alcohol."

"I got drunk from a CAKE?" Luke stared at his father, finding it hard to believe. "Why, that's just stupid! I don't even like alcohol! I don't see how Han can drink that awful stinky stuff, but that cake on the other hand…"

"Enough about that cake!" Vader said, anger beginning to grow within him again. Drat, but having children was one disaster after another! "What do you remember about meeting Palpatine?"

"Palpatine! I met Palpatine?" Luke's mouth dropped open. 

"Yes, when I found you in his Throne Room you were spinning around on his throne until you broke it." 

"I don't remember anything like that at all." Luke admitted. "Was he trying to turn me to the Dark Side?"

"I don't know, Son. When I arrived he was playing Whomp Rat." Vader realized he was getting nowhere with this line of questioning. Perhaps a change of tactics was in order. "Tell me what you DO remember."

Luke closed his eyes, concentrating. Then a broad grin spread across his face and he crossed his arms behind his head. "I met the most beautiful girl ever!"

Vader narrowed his eyes. "You … met a girl? But I thought you can't speak to girls?"

"Well, I think she did all the talking. It's kind of fuzzy, if you know what I mean."

"Where did you meet this girl, Son?" Vader asked, concerned. All sorts of worries flew around in his head. Who knew what sort of woman his son had encountered while drunk and high on caffeine? 

"On the street. She had a speeder, I think. Yeah, a bright red speeder and she told me to get in." Luke, unaware of his father's growing concern, still had the dreamy expression on his face. 

"You let some unknown woman pick you up?!" Vader bellowed, shaking his fist at Luke. "Standing on the street like that! How could you do that?"

"Huh?" Luke blinked his blue eyes, confused. "What?"

"Where did you two go?" Vader demanded to know. "What did you do together?"

"I don't know!" Luke admitted, embarrassed. He was beginning to get the idea that his father thought they had DONE something together. At the thought, Luke's face turned even redder. "I'm sure we didn't do anything!"

"Luke, you shouldn't be letting strange woman pick you up. For all we know, she might have been dangerous!" Vader informed him, the Sith Lord calming down somewhat. "Now tell me what she looked like or can't you remember that? And I would still like to know how you ended up at Palpatine's Palace in his Throne Room."

Without warning, Luke shot straight up in bed. "I remember now! I was going to a birthday party!"

Vader groaned inside his mask. "No, Son. That was the message Solo had written on the cake! It was not Palpatine's birthday."

Frowning, Luke lay back down and grumbled under his breath. 

"What was that?" Vader asked, unable to understand the mumbling. 

"He's such a crook!"

"Solo?" 

"No, Palpatine! He swindled me into buying him a present and I don't even LIKE him!"

Vader held onto his black helmet with both hands, groaning loudly. His son couldn't even see it had been his friend Solo that had cheated him and had made him sick. "The woman, please?"

"She had these amazing green eyes and long hair like flowing fire. Aaaahhhhh, she was gorgeous!" Luke closed his eyes so he could see her again. A picture of his dream woman formed in his mind. There she was once again, expertly driving the airspeeder through the busy traffic lanes of Coruscant. "And how she ordered me around … I wish I could see her again!"

Vader snatched the image from Luke's mind and bolted to his feet. "That's Mara Jade, the Emperor's Hand!"

"No, Father. She wasn't one of Palpatine's old, dried-up, wrinkly, alligator-skin hands! She was a GIRL! You know, a G-I-R-L? Don't you know what a girl is? You wanted me to meet one and I did!"

"AAAHHHHH!" Vader screamed in annoyance and used the Force to break the glass door on one of the medicine cabinets. 

"You got to help me find her!" Luke added as he reached for his father's hand. 

"No, Luke. You must stay away from her! She's the Emperor's private assassin! She's dangerous!" Vader gripped his anger again, trying to hold it under control. How in the galaxy did this ever happen? It was a nightmare! His poor, naïve son and that red-haired beast! Why, she would eat him for a snack and spit out his bones! 

"But I don't want to stay away from her!" Luke protested loudly as he held onto his father's mechanical hands. "Besides, I think she likes me!"

"Jade likes no one, get that through your head. She's unfeeling, cold as Hoth ice." Vader's mind moved like a ship in hyperspace. What had Jade been doing there, in the same place Luke had been? The only answer was that she had been sent. Was his son a target of the Hand? Or had Jade only been sent to pick Luke up and take him to Palpatine? Since he was still alive and relatively unhurt, the second might be possible. Still… this was not good at all. "Forget about her."

Luke crossed his arms over his chest, pouting. 

"Hey, Kid! How you doing?" Han walked up to Luke's bed and ruffled his blond hair. "We were really worried about you. Got yourself good and drunk, huh?"

"I guess. I really don't remember much," Luke told his friend. "Except for this girl I met. Except I can't see her now because she's an assassin."

"An assassin!" Han exclaimed, laughing. "Boy, Luke, you sure got some rotten luck!"

"It's not funny, Han. I want to see Mara again! Father knows her but he won't cooperate! He has her confused with one of the Emperor's old moldy hands!"

"Look, Kid, can I borrow your father for a moment? There's something we need to discuss." Han motioned to Vader and they moved to a quite corner of the room. "Look, Pops. I'm trying to collect some money from this guy and since you can see him and I can't…"

"NO, Solo. I will not go along with your idiotic schemes." Vader shoved a finger into Han's chest. "Do not make me angry, Solo, or what happens next will not be my fault."

"But…"

"NO." Vader stalked away, going back to Luke's bed. 

Han stood there for a moment, his smuggler's brain clicking. "Stupid Sith! There HAS to be some way to collect that money…"

Turning around, Han glanced into the cabinet with the broken glass front. Could there be something in there that would enable him to see that old guy, the one Luke was constantly blabbing to? "Crazy old coot probably isn't dead at all. I bet he found some way to make himself invisible. Yeah, that's what he did. People that are really dead don't talk to anyone…."

Reaching past the shards of broken glass, Han pulled out several bottles. He peered at the labels but the words on them didn't tell him anything. Heck, he couldn't even pronounce them. The vials with pills in them he discarded right away, for they would be useless. But the giant bottle filled with some odd liquid, now that held possibilities! "Yeah, this will do nicely!"

Turning so his back was to Luke and Vader, Han unscrewed the bottle's cover and grimaced. A horrid stench rose from the bottle and its thick pink ooze. "Bleah! This stuff smells worse than a dead rancor on Tatooine! Glad I'm not sick."

"Hey, Kid! Is your friend around?" Han asked as he casually strolled up near Luke's hospital bed, the open bottle hidden behind his back. All he had to do was fling the pink liquid onto the invisible guy and he could catch him then! "You know, that invisible one?"

"You mean Ben?" Luke asked, surprised Han was taking an interest in his old mentor. "Sure, he's standing right next to Father."

Han hurled the bottle in Vader's direction, the thick pink liquid flying all over the Sith Lord's black helmet and mask. Thick gobs dripped down his armor and arms, coated his chest panel of blinking lights.

"SOLO!" Vader bellowed as loudly as his mask would allow. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"Uh-oh!" Han barreled out of the room, his boots slipping on the pink slop. He almost fell but grabbed onto a wheeled bed at the last minute. The bed started to roll and Han leaped aboard it, steering it out into the corridor. If he could get the bed moving fast enough…

Wiping the pink stuff off the eyeholes of his mask, Vader started to run after Han. But one of his boots stepped onto the bottle and he lost his balance, falling to the floor where he landed in a large puddle of the stuff. 

"Father! Are you all right?" Luke asked, worried. "I don't know what came over Han. He normally doesn't act that way at all."

"I am all right, Son." Vader slowly got to his feet, disgusted with his appearance. The Sith Lord could see his reflection in the shiny surface of one of the medicine cabinets and it was … horrid! No, it was worst than horrid! It was …

PINK.

Yes, the pink medicine had coated Vader from head to foot and now he was totally pink. It was unacceptable! How in the Force would he get back to his quarters without anyone seeing him like this? It was a nightmare of the worst kind! If his men saw him like this…

"Father?" Luke asked.

"What?"

"Do you have any more of that yummy cake?"

To be continued…


	13. Palpatine

Author's Note: Doctor Leonard "Bones" McCoy is not mine: he belongs to Paramount and Gene Rodenberry and Star Trek. The word 'Sawbones" is an old term meaning 'doctor' and 'Bones" is a short version of that term. 

Palpatine

Dr. McCoy sat in his new office, pondering Lord Vader's 'problem'. Either the man was totally bonkers and needed psychological help or he really had a ghost. And since he acted rational, that left only one possibility. Leaning back in his chair and sipping a glass of Saurian brandy, McCoy thought on how he could solve such a problem. Before the shot glass was empty, he jumped out of his chair and went to his little black medical bag. He opened it and reached inside, pulling out a small metal device. Smiling, McCoy held it up in the air. "It's just what I need!"

Ignoring the outraged and very pink Lord Vader standing next to Luke's bed, McCoy hurried out of Sickbay.

"This is an outrage!" Vader hissed as he stared at his reflection in the glass cabinets. "I need to get this stuff off!"

"Use a bed sheet." Luke suggested from where he lay in bed. "Maybe you can wipe most of it off before it dries."

Without hesitation, Vader tore the bed sheet off one of the empty beds. Holding the sheet up, he wiped at his mask and helmet. The pink stuff, however, was stubborn and refused to come off. The Sith Lord even panicked for a moment when the sheet became stuck to his mask, in effect blinding him. But using all of his strength and help from the Force he managed to tear it off. 

Luke tried hard to suppress a snicker. Although he loved his father dearly, this bright pink Darth Vader was something else. Somehow he just didn't seem as menacing anymore. "You have bits of the white sheet glued on you."

"Curse that Solo!" Vader was pleased that Sickbay was currently empty of patients besides his son at the moment. If rumor traveled around the ship about this incident he would never live it down. The best plan was to somehow disguise himself and sneak back to his quarters. But how could he do it? His manner of dress was so distinct and easily recognizable. It had never been a liability until now. Throwing the ruined sheet to the floor, he marched into the good doctor's office. "There had better be something in here I could use!"

Vader scanned the office for anything at all that could help. There was a desk with an almost empty shot glass on it, a bottle of alcohol, bookcases in the back, a computer, a large paper bag folded at the top, a red jacket thrown over the chair back, a black medical bag, a tray of some weird instruments and several petri dishes with green stuff growing in them. He had hoped for something better but this was all he had to work with. A single glance told him the doctor's jacket was way too small and would never fit. Desperate, he reached for the brown paper bag to see what was inside. Carefully opening the top, he peered within and found the doctor's lunch: some type of long sandwich with green and red vegetables sticking out the sides. 

"The bag could make an excellent disguise." Obi-Wan said as he appeared next to Vader. 

"I will NOT wear a bag!" Vader hissed angrily as he dropped the now open bag back onto McCoy's desk. "I will not walk down the corridor of the Executor with a brown sack over my helmet! That is NOT a disguise! Everyone will still know who I am with one glance!"

"It was only a suggestion." Obi-Wan replied. "Perhaps you should just stroll down the hallway as you are and ignore the crew. I'm sure they'll be smart enough not to look."

"I can't go out there like this!" Anger and frustration at the situation grew within Vader, but he had no one to strike out at. The culprit Solo had made a clean getaway. 

"Anakin, it's not as bad as it seems."

"No, it's worse!" Vader insisted. This was utterly horrible! 

"Well, you just can't hide here in this office. You need to find a solution so you can get to your quarters and change clothes. How about wrapping a bed sheet over yourself? And try to look on the positive side!" Obi-Wan urged.

Disgusted, Vader plucked the brown bag off McCoy's desk and went back to where Luke was. Pulling the sandwich out, he handed it to his son. "Here. Eat."

"Oooh, a sandwich!" Luke eagerly grabbed it and started chewing. While he chewed, he eyed the bag in his father's hands. "Hey, you could cut eye holes in that and stick it over your head! I did that once as a kid and not a single one of my classmates called me by name! It worked great!"

"Yes, they were no doubt embarrassed to be seen with you." Vader muttered but poked two holes in the large bag. He noticed that his son was so busy devouring the sandwich that he hadn't heard his mumbled statement. He only wished Luke would forget about Jade and those cakes. But something told Vader that he hadn't heard the last of either. No, his simple-minded son had fallen hard for a hardened assassin! Picking a clean sheet off another bed, Vader threw it over his back and tied it around his neck. Then he put the paper sack over his head.

"I look like an idiot!" Vader complained and he knew it was true. "I will kill whoever sees me like this!"

"Anakin, you know you can't do that!" Obi-Wan sternly said, his arms crossed over his chest in his favorite disgruntled expression. 

"But I am a Sith, Obi-Wan. I can kill if I choose to for I serve the Dark Side."

"Just because there was an accident is no reason to take it out on innocent crew members, even if they do serve the Empire." 

"Very well. I will try not to kill anyone." Vader remarked as he moved towards the door that led out into the corridor. He poked his bag-covered head out and saw the cost was clear. All he had to do was make it down the hallway until he reached the lift. From there he could get to his quarters and change clothes. Luckily he had some spare sets of armor in his closet for such an emergency. Vader hurried down the long hallway, his white sheet billowing out behind him to reveal bright pink. Hope filled his chest as the lift was just a few feet away and not a single trooper was in sight. What a rare thing, for this corridor was usually packed with traffic. Then just as he reached the lift the doors sprung open and Emperor Palpatine emerged. 

"Lord Vader! What are you doing with that sack on your head?" Palpatine asked as he leaned heavily on his cane. "And why in Sith are you pink with a white bed sheet?"

"My Master!" Vader stopped in his tracks, horror exploded inside him. To be seen by his crew would have been bad, but by the Emperor! There were no words for that embarrassment! Under his mask his face turned scarlet and his body grew hot as sweat began to pour from his pores. "There was an … accident in Sickbay."

"That must have been some accident, Lord Vader. I had thought perhaps you had grown tired of black and was trying a new fashion. I suggest you stick with black. And take that ridiculous bag off your head!" The Emperor commanded as he waved a gnarled hand at his apprentice.

Vader tore the sack off and clutched it in one hand. 

Palpatine busted out laughing and was forced to lean against a wall. "Thank you, Lord Vader. I needed a good laugh."

"How may I serve you, My Master?" Vader hated being laughed at, but he held back his anger. It wouldn't do to attack his Emperor.

"I came to see if you had any more of those wonderful Mummy Cakes that your son brought me yesterday." Palpatine replied as he continued down the hallway towards Sickbay. "It was the most strangest thing. This morning I woke up with the worst headache imaginable and when I ate the last small piece of that cake it went away like magic! And now I find myself craving more of it. Those crunchy nuts in it are like none I ever tasted. Delicious! And there is another odd thing. There is some peculiar stench in my Throne Room and I can't figure out where it's coming from! Most annoying!"

Vader thought of his son vomiting down the shaft and realized that was the source of the stench. But it appeared that either Palpatine had not witnessed the act or had forgotten it due to the cake's content. But what was he to do about the Emperor's request for more poison cakes? "Master, perhaps it's not wise to eat cakes that gives you headaches."

"Don't be absurd, Lord Vader!" Palpatine said as he slowly entered Sickbay. He stopped and stared at the pink puddle on the floor, the smeared sheet and young Skywalker licking the last bit of mayonnaise off his fingers. "That cake is the greatest discovery ever! It gives me so much energy and makes me feel years younger! Now tell me, Lord Vader, where did you acquire that cake?"  

"I…" Vader began, and then stopped. 

"Han made it." Luke blurted out.

"Han who?" The Emperor asked as he moved closer to Luke's bed. "Tell me, Young Skywalker."

"Luke!" Vader warned. The last thing he wanted was for the Emperor to discover that Rebels were living in his house! 

"My buddy Han." Luke answered honestly. He stared at the old man that was his father's boss. Palpatine was dressed in a dark hooded robe but his eyes were bloodshot and his skin looked like it was rotten or something. "Are you really one- hundred-and-eighty-years old?"

"WHAT?!" The Emperor cried, shocked. "How dare you say that!"

Vader's heart, even with the pace maker, skipped a beat. "He is just an innocent boy, My Master. He doesn't know any better."

"But it said that on the cake…" Luke said, confused. "Unless Han got the numbers mixed up. Maybe it was supposed to be eight-hundred-and-ten-years-old?"

"NO!" Palpatine shrieked in rage, his eyes growing redder. "I assure you I'm UNDER one-hundred-years-old! How dare you think I'm eight-hundred-years-old! I am not that sniveling Master Yoda! Now I command you to tell me where to find this Han so I may acquire more Mummy Cakes!"

"No." Luke said as he leaned back calmly in his bed, hands behind his head.

"What?! You dare disobey a direct order from your Emperor?" 

"If you want to know, you have to give me something in exchange." Luke replied.

Palpatine grinned. The young boy just wanted something, no doubt some small insignificant thing. "Very well, Young Skywalker. Tell me what you wish and it shall be yours. Wealth, your own Star Destroyer, power of the Dark Side, an apprenticeship: it all can be yours!"

"But I don't want any of that stuff…" Luke informed the Emperor.

"Well, Boy, what do you want? I don't have all day to be playing guessing games with you!"

"I want to go on a date with Mara." Luke simply told him, an embarrassed grin on his face. 

"WHAT?! What is it with you Skywalkers!" Palpatine slapped his cane on the floor. "Stupid boy! Chasing after some skirt like your father did! But very well, if that is what you desire it shall be yours. Now give me my information!"

"Han's on the ship somewhere." Luke assured the Emperor. "I'm sure he'd love to meet you. He's one of your biggest fans. He talks about you all the time."

"Really?" Palpatine asked, interested to hear more.

*.*.*.*

Meanwhile down in the torpedo bay Doctor McCoy was doing a special surgery. With the help of a few engineers, he had attached the special device to a torpedo. Once that was finished and the torpedo loaded into the slot that would fire it from the ship, Bones left for the bridge. It was a brilliant plan and he was quite proud that he had thought of it all by himself. Now he just had to cross his fingers and hoped it worked. It had worked once before, but then he had had the body of the dead person. Now, without a body, he was unsure if anything would happen at all. Perhaps it would work and perhaps it wouldn't. But all he could do was try. It was just by sheer luck he had had one of the special gizmos in his black bag. Of course, he really wasn't supposed to have it at all. Being a doctor it wasn't his department and if Starfleet ever found out he had taken one, there surely would be a court martial. "Serve's them right for leaving such a highly classified thing sitting around! Maybe now it can do some good though, like it did before."

Taking a lift, he went up to the bridge. Once there, he suggested to the Commander on duty that they move the ship. They needed to find an isolated area with a dead moon or a large asteroid. After clearing it with Lord Vader, the commander did as the doctor requested. Finding a perfect target, the torpedo was fired. The explosion resulted in a fast-acting wave of colored energy that swept over the dead moon. Energy readings on the bridge were off the charts. Then it began to settle down and form recognizable patterns. First an atmosphere formed, one that could support life. Then simple life forms followed by plants of all types. The plants and trees grew rapidly, reaching maturity within hours. Everything on the new world was incredibly sped up. Even the clouds overhead seemed to move at a faster pace.

Wasting no time, Bones called Sickbay from the bridge to speak to Lord Vader. "Go tell your ghost to go onto that new planet down there. And be quick about it; we don't have much time."

Obi-Wan didn't have to be told. The new planet below was sending out incredible Force signatures; it was simply amazing! He vanished from sight and reappeared on the planet's surface. Lush ferns shook in the wind and the ground trembled under his feet. Amazingly, he could FEEL the wind and the small earthquakes! The air was sharp with the tang of smoke and that rich earthy scent of green things. After being a spirit for so long, it was just incredible.

Up on the Executor, McCoy recommended they send out a shuttlecraft to go pick up their passenger. The Commander looked a bit confused, but did as he was told. Lord Vader seemed to be going along with the doctor's weird … activity. Perhaps it was a test for some new secret weapon the Empire had developed. That would explain the Emperor's presence on board.

Satisfied, McCoy watched the main viewscreen. Once the shuttle was safely stored within Executor's belly, the Star Destroyer moved to a safe distance. Then the entire moon, Genesis II, destroyed itself. The protomatter used within the device was unstable and would never last long. After the show was over, Bones left for Sickbay to see his new patient. 

But more than one patient waited for him…

Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine had both passed out on the floor…

Luke sat in his hospital bed, his blue eyes wide and his mouth drooping open.

And just within the doorway a crowd of people argued and talked. There were several men, two women and a little green alien with very large ears. 

Yes, thanks to the Genesis device, Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon, Mace Windu, Yoda, Padme and Smea were all alive and breathing once more!

To be continued…


	14. Shmi

Author's Note: Sorry this is so late: parasites on my computer made it unstable and it kept crashing. It's fixed now and I'll get more chapters up soon. Also, I spelled Shmi's name wrong at the end of the last chapter; sorry for any confusion it caused. 

Shmi

Darth Vader stirred where he lay on the floor in Sickbay, slowly rising to consciousness. He blinked his eyes under the mask, remembering the odd vision he had seen standing in the doorway. He had thought he had seen his mother. But he couldn't have seen her. Shmi Skywalker had died all those years ago, brutally murdered by the Tuskan Raiders. She had died in his arms. He remembered it all too well; especially what he had done after she had passed onto the next world. But the vision had looked so real…

A face poked itself into his line of sight as a pair of hands gripped his upper arms. It was the new doctor. 

"Come on, on your feet now. You're all right." McCoy said as he helped Vader to his feet. He stared at the pink coating of medicine on Vader's armor and was about to remark on it, when he wisely kept his mouth shut. There was still an elderly man passed out on the floor and he needed to attend him. When he was sure Vader wasn't going to fall over again, he knelt down by Palpatine. 

Vader glanced at the doorway. His mother and the other dead Jedi were still there. And was that Padme? The Sith Lord closed his eyes for a moment, swaying slightly on his feet. This was Solo's fault! The smuggler had placed him under too much stress and now he was seeing dead people! And unlike Kenobi's ghost, these dead people appeared solid and real. He remembered his unsightly appearance and his utter shame at Palpatine catching him in pink. He would enjoy strangling Solo with his bare hands! Yes, that's what he would do; strangle Solo until his eyes bulged out of their sockets and his face turned purple with a drooping tongue! It would be satisfying and feed the Dark Side. Carefully he opened his eyes.

The dead people were still there and a few of them seemed to be having minor arguments now. The one that looked just like Master Yoda stepped forward.

"Bad Padawan, you have been!" Yoda slammed his glimmer stick against Vader's legs. "Gone to Dark Side, you have! Fix this, we will!"

"You are not real." Vader told the Jedi Master. "You are nothing more than a figment of my imagination."

"Real, I am. Alive, I am again." Yoda informed the Sith Lord as he struck Vader's leg a second time. "Feel that, you do?"

"No, I feel nothing except the desire to kill Solo slowly for what he has done." 

Yoda gripped his glimmer stick harder and swung it at Vader's nearest leg. It hit with a satisfying thwack and the tiny Jedi Master looked up expectantly. "Feel that, you did?"

"No, nothing."

Yoda's eyes narrowed. He was determined to prove to Vader that he was alive. Perhaps he should have feared the Sith Lord and banging on his leg like this, the Force knows anyone else would never dare such an act, but the tiny Jedi Master was fearless. He tightened his fingers around the glimmer stick and began to hop all around Vader's body rapidly, the glimmer stick striking out to hit the human's legs. The only reaction from Vader was his pink cape stirring slightly in the breeze of Yoda's activity. Soon Yoda was out of breath from all the unaccustomed activity and the Jedi Master panted heavily. "You feel that, yes?"

"No, nothing."

"Feel that, why do you not?" Yoda panted as he rested on the floor.

"My legs are covered in armor, something you failed to notice." Vader pointed out, a part of his mind wondering why was he bothering to talk to a vision. "And people, even Jedi Masters, don't return from the dead."

"Yet return from the dead, we have. Brought your mother, we did." Yoda motioned with a green hand for Shmi to come forward. "Determined to fix this, we are. Wrong were we, the Jedi Council was. Mistakes, we made. Make up for it now, we will."

"Your words do not impress me." Vader crossed his pink arms over his pink chest, determined not to allow Yoda's words to affect him. But it was getting harder to ignore his mother standing there. She just looked so real! If only she actually could be…

"Ani?" Shmi nervously stepped closer to the tall masked man. Even in pink, he emitted an aurora of danger and fear. Surely this masked demon in armor couldn't be her little Ani, could he? She had thought his future secure, if a bit dangerous, when he had gone off with Qui-Gon to be a Jedi. But never had she imagined anything like this could befall him. "Ani, is that you?"

"Mother?" Once again Vader felt the tug on his heart. He wanted her to be real, but how could she be? And she looked exactly like how she did in his memory, alive, healthy and as happy as a slave could be expected to be. "Are you real?"

"Yes, Ani. I don't understand it but I'm here, wherever here is." Shmi glanced around Sickbay, feeling out of place. It was strange not to be in Watto's shop or her own little hut or on the moisture farm. There were strange sounds and an odd thrumming seemed to come from the floor. Master Qui-Gon had explained that they were on a giant spaceship and she had never been on a ship in her life, nether less in outer space! She wondered briefly if the stars would look different from space than on a planet's surface. Almost every night, weather permitting, she had stood outside the farmhouse she had shared with Cliegg and had stared up at the distant stars, thinking of Ani. She had tried to imagine where he was and what he was doing, but most of all she had wished he was happy. Mostly she just had some vague idea that he was off doing heroic stuff and saving the galaxy, for she was a simple woman and had no clear idea of what Jedi really did. But now through some great miracle her son had been returned to her at last. "Oh, Ani! I'm so happy to see you! Not a single day passed without me thinking of you!"

Vader threw his arms around his mother and hugged her tightly, emotions he thought long forgotten swelling up inside him. "I thought I had lost you forever, Mother."

From his hospital bed, Luke watched. "I have a grandmother?" 

Of course, no one paid the slightest attention to Luke.

"Ani, why are you dressed like that?" Shmi asked as she pulled slightly out of his hug. "I can't see you under all that armor. And why are you pink?"

"That would be General Solo's fault." Vader explained. He eyed the others in the doorway and was sure he saw several of the Jedi laughing at his pinkness. Mace had a definite smile on his face and Qui-Gon was snickering with a hand plastered over his mouth. No matter, he would deal with them later. "He was up to no good, as usual. He is a crooked rogue whom you should not trust, Mother. This … this PINKNESS is a result of his wild and out of control behavior. As for the armor, I need it to breath."

"Hey!" Luke shouted, gaining everyone's attention. "Han is my best friend!"

"Quite, Son." Vader pointed a finger at Luke, willing him to shut up.

"Son? You have a son?" Shmi asked, surprised. 

"Yes, Mother. Luke is my son. I also have a daughter named Leia. They are twins."

"Oh Ani, that's wonderful!" Shmi hugged Vader again, unfazed by his armor. "But do you really need to wear this metal to live? Can't you breath without it?"

"No, Mother. I can not." Vader explained. "I have suffered too many injuries."

"Oh, Ani, you really need to go see a doctor! I'm sure there must be something they could do! Maybe this nice doctor right here…"

"No, Mother. There is nothing to be done for me." Vader remembered McCoy's offer, but decided it was best not to say anything until he was positive. Now that his mother was alive again, he didn't want to raise her hopes and then dash them. That would be too cruel. There was also the little matter of how his mother and the others became alive again. He would need to speak to the doctor later. 

"Grandmother!" Luke called from his hospital bed, wanting to get in on the conversation. He waved a hand in the air and smiled when Shmi came over by him. "It's nice to meet you, Grandmother. I'm Luke, your grandson."

"I'm very happy to meet you, Luke." Shmi told him, smiling.

"Do you think I'm old enough to date a girl, Grandmother?" Luke asked as he gazed up at her.

"I don't see why not." Shmi answered, a bit surprised by the question. "You seem to be full grown."

"Luke!" Vader warned, sensing that his naïve son was trying to go over his head on the Mara issue. It was bad enough he had dragged the Emperor into the matter! Luke meeting Palpatine had definitely been bad for the boy! 

In the doorway, the grin disappeared off Mace's face. "Not THAT again!"

"It's just that I meet this pretty girl the other day and Father won't let me see her again!" Luke complained to his grandmother, who was sitting on the edge of his hospital bed. "It was OK when he dated but it's not OK for me. Does that seem fair to you, Grandmother?"

"Well…" Shmi realized she had walked into the middle of an argument between her son and her grandson. "Maybe Ani has a reason why he doesn't want you seeing her?"

"Father says she's an assassin…" Luke admitted sheepishly.

"An assassin!" Shmi leaped off the bed, shocked. "My grandson is in love with an ASSASSIN?! Ani, how could you let that happen?"

"I…" Vader stuttered, his mother's shocked gaze on his mask. "It was an accident, Mother. Luke accidentally ate this poison cake…"

"A POISON CAKE?!" Shmi yelled at her son. "Is that what you feed my grandson, poisoned cakes? Is that why he's lying in this hospital bed? Ani, that isn't how I raised you! You know better than that!"

"General Solo made the cake!" Vader yelled back, loosing his temper once again. "I'm going to KILL that Solo when I see him next!"

"Ani!" Shmi's mouth feel open, horrified at her son's words. "It's not nice to kill anyone! I don't want to hear you saying things like that!"

"So can I date her?" Luke asked hopefully.

"No!" Shmi replied gently as she sat down on Luke's bed again and brushed his cheek with a hand. "I want you to find a nice girl."

"But I'm sure Mara IS a nice girl!" Luke protested loudly, his eyes going wide at the thought of not seeing her again. "She has amazing red hair and these incredible green eyes. Besides, I'm sure it's all a misunderstanding! She can't really be an assassin!"

"Now look here, Son." Mace stepped forward boldly. It was best to cut this in the bud before things got too complicated. "You're studying to be a Jedi. Jedi don't have girlfriends. They don't get married. The Code forbids it."

Luke blinked his eyes at the black man with the baldhead. "Who are you?"

"I'm Master Mace Windu, one of the members of the Jedi Council. We went through this whole foolishness with your father and we're not going through it again! And no Jedi is going out with an assassin! And that's finale!" Mace stood in front of Luke's bed, unconsciously copying Vader's pose with arms crossed over his chest.

"Why is everyone against me going on a date?" Luke whined loudly. "It's not fair!"

"Jedi don't date, Son." Mace repeated. "Best you learn that now."

"Why?" Luke asked.

"Because it's against the Code." Mace explained, his voice serious.

"Why is it against the Code?" Luke asked. "What Code? I don't know anything about a Code."

Mace sighed. "The Jedi Code! And it's forbidden because attachment is forbidden. We'll assign you a Master so he can teach you the Code."

"Huh?" Luke blinked at Mace. "What attachment?"

"Getting attached to people or things or anything!" Mace was beginning to loose his cool.

"Why?" Luke asked, gazing at Mace with a confused look on his face.

"Because the Code says so, that's why!" Mace shouted as he flung up his arms in the air. This boy was driving him nuts! Releasing his frustration into the Force, Mace spoke more calmly to Luke. "Look, I didn't mean to yell at you, I guess I'm not used to being alive again, OK? But just follow the rules and you'll do fine."

"But Palpatine said I could go out with her!" Luke protested as he jumped up in bed to a sitting position. 

Mace's face darkened and he wiggled a finger at Luke. "You stay away from Palpatine! He's a Sith Master and not to be trusted!"

"I already know that!" Luke rolled his eyes.

"Good! Now forget about this foolishness of dating a girl." Mace turned and started to walk away.

"But…" Luke slumped back in bed and pouted, arms over his chest. He eyed Mace for a moment, his brain clicking. Then he bolted upright in bed again. "You can't give me orders!"

"What?" Mace stopped walking and turned back to look at Luke. "Why not?"

"Because I don't know you!" Luke pointed out. "How do I know you are who you say you are? You could be a spy!"

"A SPY?!" Mace muttered. "Of all the stupid things! I'm a Jedi Master!"

"You're trying to get Rebel Alliance secrets, I bet!"

Mace moaned and hung onto his baldhead, burying his face in his hands. "This is worst than I feared…"

"I AM trying to straighten him out…" Vader informed Mace. "The boy is innocent and apparently prone to wild imaginings as well."

"I can see that." Mace turned to Vader. "Is his sister as bad as he is?"

"Leia has my temper and stubbornness, I'm afraid." Vader admitted. "And she's very aggressive."

"Great, just great!" Mace muttered to himself. Noticing Luke had finally gotten quite, the Jedi Master turned to see what he was doing. The young Jedi was resting in bed with his arms behind his head and a goofy grin plastered across his face. It was very unJedi-like. Marching up to the bed, Mace stopped next to the young man. "What are you doing now?"

"Thinking about Mara…" Luke admitted. 

"AAAUUGHHH!" Mace shrieked loudly. His speech had zoomed at hyper drive speed right through Luke's head!

Vader strode right up to his former master and gripped Obi-Wan by the front of his light-colored tunic, lifting him with one hand right off the floor. "This is your fault, Obi-Wan! You will now pay the price for your many mistakes!"

"Whaaaa…" Obi-Wan's blue eyes widened in fright. The knowledge that his former apprentice had killed him once was fresh in his mind and now that he was alive again, he didn't want to die again. "Anakin, please! This isn't my fault! I barely spent any time with Luke, really! I lived all those years out in a little hut way out in the desert!"

"Spare me your excuses, Obi-Wan. You are not getting off the hook this time!" Vader shook his former master to make his point. "From now on you will take full responsibility in this madness as well!"

"Full responsibility?" Obi-Wan asked, hoping that meant he got to live.

"Yes." Vader set him on the ground and shoved him in Luke's direction. "You will help me straighten him out and for some misguided notion he seems to like you. But I will be watching BOTH of you and you don't want to suffer my wrath again. Besides, you were the closest thing I had to a father. You might as well be Luke's grandfather. That way you can share in the blame."

"Grandfather?! But I … I mean…" Obi-Wan stuttered, shocked. 

"Obi-Wan! Are you letting that Padawan boss you AGAIN?" Mace demanded as he homed in on Master Kenobi. "I thought we went over that while we were one with the Force…"

Master Qui-Gon took that as a hint it was time for him to sneak out of Sickbay before he ended up being Luke's great-grandfather! He wouldn't put it past his former Padawan to pull him into the tangled mess! He had just token one step out into the hall when his boot slipped on a wide patch of engine grease that someone had painstakingly smeared right outside Sickbay. The Jedi waved his arms around frantically but it was no use. He lost his balance and fell to the grease-covered floor with a loud thud. Before he could move, a large net was tossed over his prone body.

"I GOT HIM! I GOT THE EMPEROR!" A man in a black vest and white shirt shouted excitedly as he raced at him. He skidded to a halt before Qui-Gon and glared down at him angrily. "Who the heck are you? You're not the Emperor! You ruined a perfectly good booby-trap!" 

To be continued…


	15. Han Solo

Han Solo

"You must be insane!" Qui-Gon shouted angrily at the man wearing the black vest. The Jedi sat up, disgusted. His fine robes, tunics and pants were just covered in foul smelling engine grease! He held one of his sleeves up before his blue eyes and grimaced. The stains would never come out! "One just doesn't pour grease on the floor of a spaceship corridor! It's dangerous and you could kill someone! Why, just look at my poor robes…"

"That's your problem, Old Timer. Now get out of my way." Han yanked his net back, rolled it up in a ball and shoved it under one arm. "Besides, you should watch where you're going!"

Qui-Gon's mouth dropped open. Old Timer? "I should watch where I'm going? Why don't you be more careful with your engine grease? And I'm not that old!"

Han pointed a finger at Qui-Gon. "It's your own fault for wearing those bath robes! The only old geezer around here that dresses like that is that old mummy Palpatine! You come out of Sickbay dressed like that and you'll bound to get lots of nets tossed over your head!"

"Bath robes?!" Qui-Gon cried. "These are Jedi robes!"

Mace heard the commotion out in the hallway and poked his head out. "What's going on out here?"

"This man has poured engine grease all over the floor and ruined my Jedi robes!" Qui-Gon complained to Master Windu. "He has done it on purpose!"

"Bath robes." Han stated dryly from where he stood on a clean part of the floor.

"You! Come here!" Master Windu demanded loudly to Han. 

Qui-Gon twisted around until he was on his hands and knees, his face twisting in disgust. The dark brownish-black grease was even in his long brown hair. Slowly he picked one leg up until his boot was on the grease-covered floor. He tried to stand, but the boot slid out from underneath him and he fell back to the floor. 

"Let me help you." Mace offered as he held out a hand to Qui-Gon. "Grab my hand and I'll pull you into the room. Maybe we can clean most of the grease off. There must be towels we could use somewhere in Sickbay."

Qui-Gon twisted around again, slipping and sliding wildly. He was getting more and more coated with the dreadful stuff. After maneuvering around, he finally got into a position where he could reach for Mace's hand. He stuck his arm upward, hoping to grasp the hand that was offered while he balanced on his knees and one hand planted on the floor. But Qui-Gon's hand slid out from underneath him and he plopped face first into the greased floor. 

"This is ridiculous!" Mace pointed a finger at Han. "You're in big trouble! Just wait until I get you!"

Han leaned against the corridor wall, relaxed. "You and what army?"

"I'm Master Mace Windu, Jedi Knight and member of the Jedi Council." Mace informed him as he stretched to his full height. "And this is an outrage, an insult against the Jedi!"

"Some all powerful Jedi. Can't even pick himself up off the floor."

"Don't make me come over there. I'm warning you!" Mace eyed the distance between where he stood and the clean part of the corridor floor. He was sure he could leap it easily. Of course, he had been dead a long time. Would that affect his Jedi abilities? And what was more important, catching this scoundrel or helping Qui-Gon? 

"Are you going to help me up or not?" Qui-Gon asked, annoyed at Mace. "Or am I to lay here and wallop all over the floor like a fish out of water?"

Mace knelt down and held out his hand to the other Jedi. "Now let me…"

Without waiting, Qui-Gon gripped Mace's hand and pulled. Mace lost his balance and fell to the grease-covered floor with a loud splat. He twisted around so he could face Jinn. "Now look what you've done! I said to wait until I got a grip on the doorway, but no, you had to pull me into this goop as well!"

"Well, I'm sorry if that helps any." Qui-Gon offered the other Jedi.

Mace tried to get to his feet several times but fell every time. The floor was just too slippery. Within a short time, his robes were just as grease covered as Qui-Gon's. "This is ridiculous! There must be a way out of this mess!"

"Perhaps someone will come and rescue us." Qui-Gon said hopefully. "Let us call for help."

Mace glared at Han. "You! This is your entire fault! Why are you doing this?"

"How the heck many people on this ship wear bath robes?" Han grumbled from his spot against the wall. "Well, if I wait long enough the right one will come out. And I have all day."

"HELP!" Qui-Gon called loudly. "We've fallen and we can't get up!"

Sickbay's door opened and Padme stuck her head out. Upon seeing the two Jedi covered in grease and rolling around on the floor, her brown eyes opened wide. "Oh my!"

"Don't come any closer, My Lady! It's a diabolical trap set by a mad man!" Mace warned as he struggled to get up for the tenth time unsuccessfully.  

"Hey, watch who you're calling mad!" Han complained as he shot Mace a dirty look. Then he shifted his gaze back to Padme, his face turning a bit red. It was obvious from her dress, jewelry and hair style that she was an aristocrat. In fact, she reminded him of Leia. He felt utterly stupid. "Hey, I'm sorry about this. I didn't realize there was a lady in there. I just heard that the old mummy was visiting Sickbay so I made this bobby-trap to catch him. Problem is, these two jokers ruined it. Did you want to come out?"

"How can I?" Padme replied. "The floor is all covered with grease!"

"Hey, it's me! Relax, I have a plan." Han bent down and picked up a neatly folded white bed sheet that he had borrowed from an unguarded storeroom earlier. He gripped one end and shook it out. Then giving it a good shake he flung it above the grease-covered floor. Within moments the sheet had covered both Jedi and the floor. Grinning at his own cleverness, Han ran across the sheet, stepping on the two Jedi in the process. 

"Hey!" Mace yelled. "Who just stepped on me? When I get my hands on you…"

Han glanced at the moving sheet on the floor. "No wonder you people went extinct."

The smuggler moved into Sickbay. He had decided to take a more direct approach in getting Palpatine and when he saw how many robed people were milling around the room he was glad. If he weren't careful there would be a big pileup out there and he still wouldn't have the right one. He saw Vader about the same time that the pink Sith Lord saw him.

"YOU!" Vader bellowed in outrage, the Dark Side swelling within his body. "I'll kill you, Solo!"

"If I were you, Pops, I'd watch out for the grease out in the hallway." Han told Vader with a perfectly straight face, his voice serious. "Two idiots already are stuck in it. You should be glad I told you about it!"

"What did you do now, Solo?" Vader demanded, the anger growing greater. 

"Me?" Han pointed a finger at his own chest, trying to look innocent. "Why do you blame everything on me? It's not MY fault if some stupid troopers leave a big bucket of grease sitting around where some person can get their hands on it! It was a good idea, really!"

"What did you DO with the grease?" Vader repeated, just barely hanging onto his temper.

"Some idiot poured grease all over the floor out in the hallway." Padme explained. "Masters Qui-Gon and Windu are trapped in it, rolling around out there. They can't seem to get up and I'm scared to go and help them. The grease looks very … dirty."

Han rolled his eyes at Padme. "Well, what did you expect, Sweetie? CLEAN grease?" 

"My name is Padme Amidala Skywalker, not 'sweetie'. You can either call me Padme or My Lady or address me by my proper title of Senator." Padme informed him, hands on her hips. "And who exactly are you?"

"General Han Solo, Captain of the Millennium Falcon. She's the fastest ship in the whole galaxy." Han grinned proudly. "She can even outrun this old bucket of bolts."

"This is the Executor, the flagship of the fleet! She is NOT an old bucket of bolts!" Vader whipped out his lightsaber and instantly turned it on. "I'll KILL you for that, Solo!"

"Uh oh!" Han's eyes grew wide and he ran for the doors leading out of Sickbay. At the last moment he remembered the grease and slid to a near stop, running around the room instead. 

"And I'll KILL you for turning me PINK!"

Han continued to race around the large room, Vader hot on his heels.

"Ani! Stop that before you kill someone!" Shmi yelled at her son.

"Don't worry, lady. He's just playing!" Han shouted as he ran past. "Anyway, I think he's playing!"

"And I'll KILL you for baking that CAKE!" 

"Bad Padawan, you are!" Master Yoda said from his spot on the floor. "The Dark Side, it is! Close it is, coming closer! Feel it, I do. Here in this room, it is."

Han could hear the sizzling of the lightsaber's blade, the loud hum it made as he raced around the room. "Luke! Luke! Your father went crazy again! Do something!"

Luke opened his eyes. He had been daydreaming about Mara again. "Did you say something, Han?"

"I SAID YOUR FATHER WENT CRAZY AGAIN!" 

"Oh. Is that all?" Luke adjusted his pillow and shifted position in bed. "Han, would you please stop playing games with Father and come meet my Grandmother?"

"Your Grandmother?" Han skidded to a halt in front of Luke's bed.

To everyone's surprise, Vader skidded to a stop as well. He slowly approached Solo, the glowing red lightsaber in his hand.

"Now, Pops, you know you can't kill me! Leia would never forgive you." Han put both of his hands up.

"What have you got to do with my daughter?" Padme asked as she stepped forward to stand next to her husband. She didn't agree that he should be killed, but the man was obviously a low-life. Who else would cover the floor with grease and disgrace two Jedi Masters? If this scoundrel knew her daughter in any way, she wanted to know about it!

"You daughter?" Han asked. Then it clicked in his head and the crooked grin spread across his face. "I'm going to be your future son-in-law!"

To be continued…


	16. Padme

Padme

Padme stared at Han in horror. "You're going to marry my daughter?! You must be joking!"

"Nope." Han grinned crookedly. "Leia really loves me."

"But you're a … a …" Padme stuttered, frantically trying to think of a polite word for what he was. 

"A scoundrel?" Han answered for her. "And she loves scoundrels."

"Why don't you tell her the rest of your illegal occupations?" Vader suggested, his red lightsaber still lit and humming. He waved it menacingly in Solo's direction. "Or are you frightened?"

"Hey! Watch where you're pointing that thing!" Han complained as the tip of the lightsaber eased closer to his arm. "I just cleaned this shirt a few weeks ago and I don't want burn marks on it!"

Padme's mouth dropped open in shock. "A few weeks ago?! When was the last time you changed your clothing?"

Han rolled his eyes. "I just told you, a few weeks ago! And maybe if you weren't wearing a big basket on your head you'd be able to hear better!"

"Ah!" Padme's eyes widened and her mouth dropped open even more. This man was incredibly rude and crude! She wanted to slap him in the face but that might cause a political incident, so she managed to restrain herself for the moment. "This isn't a basket! It's an incredibly expensive hair accessory!"

"Well, I'm sorry but it looks like a basket! How the heck am I supposed to know what they're called?" Han exclaimed. This woman acted just like Leia, getting into a huff about some stupid little thing. A hair accessory of all things! How stupid! 

"May I dare ask how you laundered that shirt?" Padme asked, fearful of what the self-claimed scoundrel would say.

"Hey! What is this? An interrogation?" Han narrowed his eyes at Padme, but as soon as he the red tip of the lightsaber danced closer again. The smuggler whirled around to face Vader. "Put that thing away before someone gets hurt!"

"I won't hurt you very much, Solo." Vader promised, a hint of anticipation in his voice. "Just a few little slices…"

Han wiggled his finger at Vader and tried his famous crooked smile that had always worked before. He had found out the thing with the Sith Lord was to show him you weren't afraid of him. "Remember about Leia! She'll hate you if you kill me. How many times to I have to keep reminding you?"

"Oh, but I'm not planning on killing you, Solo."

"Than…" Han's heart skipped a few beats. He didn't like the tone of Vader's voice. It sounded to him like the guy was up to something and that something was no doubt Dark Side stuff. "What are you going to do?"

"Neuter you." Vader stated, the point of his saber dropping lower.

"Yikes!" Han leaped backward several feet and scrambled to get away from the lightsaber. He glared at Vader angrily. "That isn't funny!"

"I'm quite serious, General Solo." Vader moved closer to Solo again, the lightsaber held out before him. "The idea of you producing offspring staggers the mind, so I will relieve you of that worry."

"Great! This is just great. He doesn't want to kill you anymore, just neuter you! What a big improvement." Han twisted his neck this way and that, searching for an object he could hide behind. Spotting an empty hospital bed, he yanked it between him and Vader. "Some grandfather you'll be, teaching the kids Dark Side stuff. But we really need to work on your people skills."

"Cooperate, Solo. It'll go so much better for you." Vader inched closer, the long red blade still held out in front of him.

"A-hem!" Padme interrupted, touching Vader on his arm. 

"What?" Vader asked his wife. 

"I want to question him while you got him cornered!" Padme explained to Vader as she moved closer to the empty bed. The man called Solo was now securely trapped. A wall was right in back of him and Vader stood in front with his lightsaber. "I want to find out what kind of man our daughter is in love with! How will I ever learn if you neuter him right away? He'll probably pass out from the pain."

"But Padme, You don't understand…" Vader started to say, but his wife cut him off.

"Oh, he's not going anywhere!" Padme waved a hand in dismissal. "Where is going to go, right through the wall? I don't think so."

"I resent this!" Han complained loudly, his brain clicking. He was sure there was a way out of this situation if only he could figure out what it was. When Vader had been by himself he had done OK controlling the guy, but now that this basket women was around things were going wrong. The two were sticking together like glue and ganging up against him. 

"Now tell me how you laundered that shirt!" Padme demanded to know, hands on her hips. 

"Why? Don't you know how?" Han asked stupidly, his mouth drooping open a bit.

"Of course I do!" Padme's hands tightened into fists. "The point is whether YOU know how!"

"Of course I know how!" Han replied, feeling insulted by her statement. "Everyone knows how! You wait until it starts raining, go toss the shirt on a bush and throw some soap on it! By the time the rains over your shirt's all clean!"

Padme shrieked and clamped a hand over her mouth in utter revulsion, her eyes bugged out. 

"What?" Han asked, a stupid expression on his face. "You rather wash your clothes in the ponds, with all those little icky things swimming around in there? I asked Chewie once what they were and he replied they were insect larvae. After that, I always used bushes."

Padme's face turned deathly white and she was forced to cling to Vader's arm so she wouldn't faint. 

"Say, you don't look so good. You feeling all right?" Han asked, unaware his statements were to blame for her poor condition.

The Senator from Naboo forced herself to her feet. She had never been weak before and now was no time to start. But she had never faced anyone like General Solo before and his statements were surprising to say the least. She swallowed, forcing her stomach back down where it belonged. Determined to let nothing bother her, she thought up another question to ask. 

"Anakin mentioned you had illegal occupations. What exactly IS your occupation?"

"I'm a General in the Rebel Alliance." Han explained. "And I do a few other things on the side. Like smuggling…"

"He is also a conman and a space pirate." Vader informed her. "The Empire has confiscated illegal cargo off his ship many times. I also suspect he runs guns."

"Cargo? Oh heck!" Han bonked himself on the forehead with a fist. 

"Now what?" Vader asked, knowing it most likely meant more trouble for him.

"I forgot to install the new coil and I bet Chewie forgot, too. By now all my cargo must have melted!" Han groaned loudly, imagining the huge mess that would be waiting for him on the Falcon. But if it were still contained in the cargo bay and hadn't leaked out under the blast doors…mmmm…he could open that little outer hatch and let it all drain outside! He would still have to clean the cargo bay out. Wait! What was he thinking? Why, he could just let it dry up by itself and then he wouldn't have to bother with paint!

"I dread to ask what you're thinking, Solo." Vader said as he tried to scan the Rebel's mind. But Solo's mind was so cluttered with nonsense that it only gave Vader a pounding headache. Vader lifted his empty hand and slowly waved it in front of the smuggler's face. "You will not marry my daughter."

"Huh?"

"Look at me, Solo." Vader ordered him. Then the Sith Lord waved his hand again, repeating his words. "You will not marry my daughter."

"You trying some of that old man's foolish mumbo-jumbo on me?" Han laughed, and then lifted his hand. He mimicked the Sith Lord's hand movement. "You will not neuter me but give me a million credits instead."

"What are you doing?" Vader demanded angrily. "You don't even have the Force!"

"Force smorce! There isn't such a thing! It's all a bunch of mumbo-jumbo!" Han glared angrily back at Vader. "And you better not try to neuter me!"

Vader lifted his lightsaber, but Padme gripped his arm.

"I'm not done questioning him yet!" She exclaimed, amazed at how easily things kept getting off track. She turned to face the smuggler yet again. "Where do you live?"

"What? You mean right now?" Han asked, wanting to be sure he understood the question.

"Yes, right now!" Padme rolled her brown eyes. The man was incredibly dense! How in the world someone like him managed to survive as a smuggler was beyond her. Unless it was all an act he was putting on to infuriate her? 

"I'm living with Pops." Han replied.

Pops? What kind of moron would be named Pops? "And who is this Pops?"

"He is." Han pointed a finger at Vader.

"I told you not to call me that!" Vader reminded Solo.

"So you're living with my husband?" Padme shouldn't have been surprised, but she was. "And where did you live before that?"

"On my spaceship, the Millennium Falcon." Han could see where this particular question was going. She wanted to know how rich he was, how many houses he owned and stuff like that. Yes sir, that's what she was interested in. "Hey, I got plenty of money! I just don't have too much right now."

"How do you intend to support a wife?" Padme asked, serious. She didn't want her only daughter to marry a poor space bum and live in a busted ship-park somewhere. Of course, if Leia really loved this man and was determined to marry him, what could she do? But she definitely needed to speak to her daughter soon, before she got too involved with General Solo. He didn't even know how to launder a shirt properly!

"Well, I…" Han scanned the room, his eyes settling on a figure he hadn't noticed before. The man looked familiar, if a tad bit younger perhaps. But then, he was obviously a master of disguises now, wasn't he? Could it be throwing the pink goop had actually worked? The customary grin spread across his face and he pointed a finger in the man's direction. "That man owes me money! He hired me to transport him and the kid and two droids to a planet, but he only paid me half!"

Padme turned to where Han was pointing. "Obi-Wan?"

"Yeah, him!" Han agreed as he watched the Jedi talk to Luke and Shmi.

"Obi-Wan, come over here!" Padme called. 

The Jedi eyed his former apprentice nervously but did as Padme requested. Excusing himself to the others, he made his way to the corner of the room where Solo was trapped. "Yes, My Lady?"

"You owe me money!" Han accused as he tried to jam a finger into the Jedi's chest. "And no more of your tricks!"

"What tricks?" Obi-Wan asked, confused. "I haven't played any tricks on you, Jedi mind tricks or any other kind."

"You made yourself invisible so you wouldn't have to pay me!" Han crossed his arms over his chest as he stared at the Jedi. "But that pink goop did the trick!"

"Is that what you think?" Obi-Wan snickered. Catching Vader's silent glare, he wisely stopped. "I assure you I wasn't invisible. I was dead."

"Yeah, right! And I was raised by a tribe of Ewoks!" Han wasn't going to let the old man trick him again. No, this time he was going to get paid in full!

Padme stared at Han. "Were you raised by a tribe of Ewoks?"

"No! Of course not! I'm not THAT crazy, you know!" Han shouted, and then muttered something under his breath.

"What did you say? I didn't catch that." Padme leaned closer to hear what he had said.

"I said it was a tribe of Wookies that raised me! OK?" The smuggler finally admitted. "You happy now?"

"Well, that explains your poor hygiene." Padme wrinkled her nose slightly. Then she sneezed loudly. What in the world had caused her to sneeze like that? Embarrassed, she wiped at her nose with her hand and wished she had a tissue.

Han dug into his pocket and pulled out an odd grayish piece of something that was creased by a zillion wrinkles. As it came out of his pocket, clumps of long brownish hair, assorted fuzz, bits of what appeared to be soil and even a few dried up leaves fell to the floor. The rag, if that's what it was, had assorted stains on its surface, each one a slightly different color. A round glob, red in color, clung to one location while a small twig had apparently become jammed through the material somehow.  He held the rag out to Padme. "Here."

The Senator stared horrified at it. The thing was disgusting and the filthiest piece of material she had ever seen!

Han blinked in confusion when she didn't take the offered rag. "Oh!"

The smuggler started to shake the rag vigorously, the long bits of brown Wookie fur flying up into the air. The piece of hardened red gum finally let go and bonked Vader on his pink helmet, making a sound like a big gong. After bouncing off his helmet, it landed in the nest of Padme's hair inside the basket-like hair accessory. Tearing the twig off, Han gave the hankie a few more shakes for good measure and again held it out to the Senator.

"AH-Aaaaah-Aaaaaaaah-CHOO!" Padme sneezed again, this time spraying Vader. 

"Here! Take it!" Han tried to shove the hankie at Padme but she didn't want any part of it.

Padme's eyes were burning and she could feel another sneeze building up inside. What in the galaxy was wrong with her? The rag had looked terrible, yes, but why all the sneezes? She waved at the annoying fur floating in the air, trying to get it away from herself. Then it hit her. The fur! That's what was making her sneeze! She sneezed violently, spraying a very startled Obi-Wan in the face. Yanking the Jedi robe off Obi-Wan, she threw it over his head and raced towards the exit sneezing all the way. On the way out, she stepped on Qui-Gon and Mace, both of whom had given up trying to free themselves and were now patiently waiting to be rescued.

"I do believe she's allergic to Wookie fur." Obi-Wan commented as he wiped his face with the sleeve of his tunic.

"Solo, I'm going to get you now!" Vader waved his lightsaber menacingly, but Han was already disappearing into a vent high up on the wall. Only his boots were sticking out and then they, too, were gone. 

Vader sighed, then ordered fifty stormtroopers to clean up the grease outside Sickbay, then ordered one hundred stormtroopers to help pick up the first fifty and get them cleaned up. Mace and Qui-Gon were finally rescued and brought into Sickbay, where they were treated for high heel shoe marks on their foreheads. Then Vader finally went to his personal quarters aboard Executor and tried to remove the hideous pink armor. After much swearing in Huttese, the Sith Lord finally got it removed. The pink medicine had dried up around the various parts of his armor and he had to use the Force to get it off himself. He showered, dried himself off and put on a clean set of armor.

It was good to be back in black!

To be continued….


	17. Palpatine

Palpatine

Darth Vader strolled down the hallway of the Executor, his black cape flowing behind him. It felt good to be dressed in black again; although he feared his other set of armor was ruined. But perhaps it could be cleaned. Not long ago the doctor had called him with two messages. First, Luke was ready to be released from Sickbay and the other was that Palpatine was awake. The Sith Lord worried how he was going to explain the presence of so many Jedi to his Master, Jedi that were supposed to be dead years ago and now were somehow alive! Even he didn't understand that. 

And where had his dear Padme disappeared to? She had run out of Sickbay sneezing and so far he'd been unable to find her. You would think a fancily dressed woman with a Jedi's robe over her head would be easy to spot. She should stick out among all the stormtroopers just like a green plant would be noticeable against the white corridors. Yet, oddly enough, no one had reported seeing her. Obviously, the troopers were either as stupid as Solo claimed or his dear wife had clobbered any that had seen her. But was that possible? True, his love had been a formidable fighter when armed with a blaster, but surely not weaponless against fully trained stormtroopers? Of course, on a ship the size of the Executor there must be many places to hide if one chooses to do that.

Reaching Sickbay at last, Vader entered and headed for Luke's bed. He gazed down at his son, pleased that he was well once again. "You are being released."

"Yes, Father, I know. The doctor told me." Luke replied. He still hadn't forgotten about his dear Mara and wished he could think up a way to see her again. But with everyone set against him he just didn't see how it was possible. He had never dreamed the Jedi Council had been so strict or had so many stupid rules, especially rules concerning dating! But then, maybe that guy hadn't been a Jedi Master at all…

Vader scowled at his son under his black mask. "You are thinking of Jade again! Luke, I told you to forget her. She will bring you nothing but misery and grief. All she knows is how to kill. Palpatine raised her since she was a young child and the Dark Side is all she knows. She would kill you."

"You don't know that for certain!" Luke sat up in bed and threw the light sheet off his legs. Getting to his feet, he gazed up at his father's black mask. "Can't I at least call her? Pleeeaaassseeeeeee?"

Vader fumed, knowing the boy would never get this nonsense out of his system until he actually talked to the real Jade and saw how she truly was. Perhaps a com call was required to cure him of his infatuation. Otherwise, Vader was sure his lovesick son would go around mooning with lovesickness for weeks on end. It would be vile, to say the least. He had never acted that way when he had been in love with Padme! "Very well, I will allow you to call her. But I must speak to my Master first."

A thrill of victory shot through Luke's body. His father had relented and agreed he could actually speak to Mara! Then he could ask her to go on a date with him!

"But know I have an assignment for you, Son." Vader informed him as he headed towards the private room McCoy had put the Emperor in. "Your annoying friend Solo has ruined my armor by turning it a foul pink. You will take it to the cleaners on Coruscant that I regularly send my laundry to. Obi-Wan will go with you to keep you out of trouble."

Luke gaped open-mouthed at his father. "That's my assignment? Taking your armor to the cleaners? Why, that's just stupid! I'm a Jedi!"

Vader shook his finger at Luke yet again. "No, you are not a Jedi. Only the Council has the right to say when a pupil is ready to become a full Jedi Knight and as you may have noticed, a few of the Council Members are back. Until then, you are nothing but a mere Padawan learner."

"That guy really WAS a Jedi?" Luke asked, horrified. 

"Yes, he was." Vader couldn't help but smile under his mask. Secretly, he had enjoyed watching Luke grill Windu with all the stupid 'why' questions. The look on Windu's face had been priceless! Perhaps his son's personality habits would grate on Master Windu more in the future. He just wished Luke would obey HIM more often.

"Oh, fodder!" Luke's joy disappeared as he realized he was probably going to be in trouble now with the dark-skinned Jedi Master. The man probably wasn't very happy about being called a spy!

Vader entered Palpatine's room, Luke following him. Palpatine was sitting up in bed eating some breakfast the doctor had given him. It was extremely healthy stuff, an oat-based porridge with fruits and nuts added and cooked with low-fat milk. If McCoy was one thing, he was a health nut where his patients were concerned. When the doctor had examined Palpatine and found the same mix of alcohol and caffeine as he had in Luke, his anger shot through the roof. It was crystal clear to him that none of these people knew how to eat properly but he was going to teach them! Finishing his meal, Palpatine put the bowl down.

Bowing low to his Master, Vader rose. "You called for me, Master?"

"Darth Vader, what are all those Jedi doing alive? I ordered them all killed years ago!"

"Yes, Master. And I had killed them. But they are back alive again. I can not explain it."

"I will have to look into it then." Palpatine readjusted his position in bed slightly. "What are they doing now, Lord Vader?"

"Mace and Qui-Gon had slipped on some engine grease someone had accidentally spilled in a corridor and are trying to clean themselves. Yoda is sitting on the floor, meditating. Obi-Wan is waiting in the other room so he and Luke can take my armor to the cleaners."

Palpatine laughed. "A Jedi running errands for a Sith! You have a devious mind, my apprentice. With a little coaxing, we will make a proper Sith of Kenobi yet!"

"Yes, My Master." 

Then Palpatine frowned at him, his eyes growing redder. "Lord Vader, I have been informed of some disturbing news recently. It appears you have wanted criminals of the Rebel Alliance living in your home. How do you explain this?"

"I…" Vader began, unsure what he should tell Palpatine. 

"Yes?" Palpatine encouraged. "Do not think of trying to lie to me, Lord Vader. I will know if you are."

"I would not lie to you, My Master. They are my … family. Princess Leia is my daughter." Vader admitted.

"What?!" Palpatine cried in shock. "Exactly how many children did you produce with that woman?"

"I do not know, My Master. So far I have discovered only two."

At that exact moment, Princess Leia herself barged into the room. Her brown eyes immediately settled on Palpatine and hardened. She had heard Luke was going to be released from Sickbay and so she had come to see him. Han had also told her that her Mother and Grandmother had been there, too, along with a bunch of Jedi! She turned to face Vader. "Father, what have you been doing to Han? He told me you were threatening him to neuter him with your lightsaber!"

"I was angry at him." Vader told her. "He had turned my clothes PINK!"

"Pink?" Leia frowned, realizing Han had been involved in another one of his hair-brained schemes and had forgot to tell her all the details.

"So, you admit Lord Vader is your father?" Palpatine asked from where he lay resting in his bed.

"Yes." Leia turned to face the Emperor, the most evil man in the galaxy. If she could, she would kill him right now and end his death hold over the galaxy. Oh, what a time to be without a blaster!

"Come closer, my dear. Let me look at you." Palpatine said as he motioned with one bony, gnarled hand. "I am old and my eyes are not what they used to be."

"Why should I do anything you say?" Leia asked him. "You're a vile dictator!"

"Humor an old man." Palpatine held up both of his empty hands. "Look at me. I'm just an old man lying in a hospital bed. What possible threat could I be to you?"

Cautiously Leia moved a few steps closer to Palpatine and glared down at him angrily. "Is this close enough for you, old man? Now what do you want?"

"So much anger you have in you, my dear. Anger just like your father has. You would make a wonderful Sith." Palpatine grinned up at her with his red, bloodshot eyes. "Yes, a wonderful Sith."

"A Sith?" Leia stared at the Emperor in shock, her mouth dropping open. "Me? Your crazy! I can't be a Sith!"

"Of course you can, my dear. All you need is a bit of training." Palpatine told her as he reached for her hand and gripped it. "You have the power within you. You know this to be true."

Leia tried to pull her hand away from Palpatine but the old man was a lot stronger than he appeared and he refused to let go. His grip was like a vise around her wrist. "I don't have any powers!"

"You do!" Palpatine insisted as he tried to pull Leia closer. "You have the Skywalker power you inherited from your father! It is inside you! I feel it within you! It is there!"

"Luke has the powers, not me!" Leia insisted as she tried to yank her hand away from Palpatine. 

"You DO have powers!" The Emperor yelled.

"I do NOT have powers!" Leia cried.

"DO!!!"

"NOT!!!"

Vader and Luke both stared at the argument between Leia and Palpatine, neither of them brave enough to budge it quite yet.

"Let go of me!" Leia dug her heels into the floor and pulled with all her worth, determined to free herself of the evil leech that had attached itself to her wrist. 

Palpatine answered this by clinging to her with both hands and pulling her back towards him. "You will not get away so easily, my dear! I will train you and your brother to be Siths! You will all by my apprentices and curse that rule of only two! The Jedi are many, we will be many as well!"

"You're insane! I hate you!" Leia spotted a chair sitting against the wall and reached for it with her other hand. If only she could reach it! "I keep telling you I don't have any powers! Why won't you believe me?"

'Yes! Yes! Hate me!" Palpatine encouraged. So much hate swelling in her! It was glorious!

Leia's fingertips touched the chair and she pulled it closer until she could get a solid grip on it. It was a cheep plastic one in cheerful canary yellow, no doubt meant to brighten up the sickroom. She would use it well. "If you don't let go of me right now you'll be sorry!"

Palpatine grinned as he could feel Leia's anger surging around the room like a dark thundercloud. The daughter of Vader was extremely powerful! If only he could convince her she had the Force! "Ah, what an apprentice you would make!"

"That's it!" Leia gripped the chair's black and swung it at Palpatine. The metal legs hit him with a solid thump.

"Aahhh!" Palpatine cried. "What are you doing?!"

"That's for blowing up Alderaan!" Leia swung the chair again and clobbered him a second time. "And that's for turning my Father to the Dark Side!"

"Stop! Stop!" Palpatine wailed as the chair's legs struck him on his stomach. He released her wrist and raised both arms to protect his face. "I only want you to be my apprentice!"

"And this is for declaring yourself Emperor and ruining the whole galaxy!" Leia swung the chair and hit him on one of his legs.

"Ow! My leg! You broke it!" Palpatine shrieked in pain as he bent forward to cradle the injured limb.

"You deserve a lot more than that, you evil fiend!" Leia dropped the chair onto the floor and stormed out of the room. 

Vader and Luke stood there in shock.

"Ooooooh." Palpatine moaned. Then the look of pain vanished of his face and the old man grinned. "She has the famous Skywalker anger! I like it!"

Vader and Luke continued to gape at Palpatine, unmoving.

"Well? Why are you just standing there? Go get the doctor to fix my broken leg!"

Without another word, the two bolted from the room.

To be continued…

Author's Note: Mara will be in the next chapter!  


	18. Mara Jade

Mara Jade

"Wow! I had no idea Leia could be so tough!" Luke murmured as they exited Palpatine's private room, entering Sickbay's main area. "She just clobbered him!"

"She apparently has my bad temper." Vader admitted to his son. "I always had a hard time controlling my emotions and sometimes they got away on me. It's how I ended up on the Dark Side. Be glad you don't share that trait as well."

"So I get to call Mara now, right?" Luke asked his father hopefully.

"Yes, as soon as I go inform the doctor about the Emperor's broken leg. He will not be pleased." Vader stopped outside McCoy's office and turned to face his son. "Go wait by Obi-Wan. You can make the call from my private quarters in a few moments."

"Yes, Father." Luke watched Vader disappear into the doctor's office. He couldn't help but wonder how long the conversation would take. Now that the time to actually speak to Mara was approaching, he found himself getting nervous. What would he say to her? What would she say to him? More important, would he actually be able to say something besides a simple HI? The young Jedi couldn't help but remember the last time he had tried to talk to that girl at the club and his mind had gone blank. What if that happened when he tried to ask Mara out? He'd look like a total idiot and he certainly didn't want to appear that way! No girl wanted to date an idiot!

Shaking his head at the negative thoughts to dislodge them, he spotted Yoda. The tiny Jedi Master was still sitting in the center of Sickbay's floor. Why he was still there Luke had no idea. His eyes were closed, so perhaps he was sleeping. Luke approached him quietly. 

"Question you have, I sense. Ask, you may." Yoda's eyes opened and he looked up at Luke. "Place, I do need. Meet, the Council must. No place, do we have. Exchange wisdoms, perhaps we can?"

"Umm…" Luke paused a moment, trying to switch Yoda's phrases around in his head. "You need a place for the Jedi Council to meet?"

"That, I already said."

"OK. Well, maybe you can meet where I'm staying now. It's big and there are lots of rooms. I'm sure they'll be enough space for all the Jedi there." Luke offered to the green Jedi Master. "Han and Leia are staying there, too."

"Pleased, I am." Yoda smiled at Luke. "Generous, you are. With training, Jedi you be. Ask, what you seek."

"Ummm…" Luke hesitated again, unsure. "Well, I have this problem speaking to women. Whenever I try to talk to one, I get nervous, my mind goes blank and I turn all red! It's embarrassing! Do you have any advice on what I can do about it?"

"Hmmmmm…" Yoda considered the problem, his green ears tilting downward. "Odd problem, this is. Never encountered it, have I."

"Well, you must have some idea of what I can do!" Luke encouraged, desperate now as the time for calling Mara on the com was approaching. 

"Sing, you can?" Yoda asked.

"Sure, I guess. Why?" Luke knelt down in front of Yoda so he could look the Jedi Master in the eyes. "What does singing have to do with anything?"

"Nervous you get, sing you will." Yoda smiled proudly at Luke, his ears wiggling in delight. He was quite pleased with his reply and it hadn't required the normal hours upon hours of meditation, either. Besides, Yoda liked to sing in the shower. But since that one time Yoda electrocuted himself and lost most of his hair, he was most careful to keep the radio far from the water. Yes, water and electric were a bad combination. 

"You want me to SING to a girl?!" Luke's face reddened in utter horror. "Why, that'd be even worse than talking to one!"

"Sing, is easy. Memorize words, you do." Yoda replied matter-of-factly. "Music and lyrics, females like."

"Oh." Luke grew a bit calmer. Maybe it wasn't as hard as it sounded. All he would have to do is memorize the words to some song. That didn't sound too bad. Surely if he could swing a lightsaber around he could memorize a few words, right? "Did you ever go out with a girl?"

"Where, out?" Yoda peered up at Luke, waiting for a reply.

"You know, on a date." 

"Dates, I go not." The Jedi Master told him. "Required, much bravery is. Hmmmm, dangerous they are!"

Luke laughed. "Master Yoda, going on a date isn't dangerous! Surely it'll be a lot of fun!"

"Ever go on date, did you?" Yoda asked.

"Well, no. Not yet." Luke admitted sheepishly.

"Once, I did. Padawan, I was. Pretty, female was. Almost killed me, it did." Yoda closed his eyes as he thought back. "Odd club, we went to. No tables, did it have. Wheeled boots, they gave. Onto smooth floor, we went. Fell, I did. Trip over me, others do. Squashed, I became. Almost died, I did."

"So just because the first date went bad you never went on another?" Luke was surprised that the Jedi Master had given up so easily. "And I never heard of boots with wheels on them. That just sounds stupid!"

"Fad, it was." Yoda replied. "Worse part, I didn't tell."

"What? Something even worse happened on the date?" Luke leaned forward eagerly. He couldn't imagine what it could be. What could be worse than getting squashed by a bunch of aliens much bigger than you were?

"Kiss me, she did!" Yoda twisted his face up, his ears drooping way down with the tips turning purple. 

"Kiss?" Luke's blue eyes widened as the idea sunk in. "Wait… you mean girls actually expect you to KISS them?!"

"Expected, it is."

Luke swayed, as the room seemed to spin around him crazily. Mara would expect him to KISS her? Why, he couldn't even TALK to her! "I better practice a song!"

"Brave, you be." Yoda peered at Luke. "You end in Sickbay, card I will send."

"Geez, thanks!" Luke rose and walked towards where Obi-Wan was waiting for him. The Jedi was sitting on a chair reading a data pad. Sitting down in the chair next to the older Jedi, Luke glanced at him hopefully.  "Do you know any songs?"

"Songs?" Obi-Wan put the pad down and turned to face Luke. "Well, I think I know a few. Why?"

"Master Yoda thinks I should learn a few." 

"I guess I could teach you a few…" Obi-Wan grinned. Luke was much easier going than his former Padawan had been. He was sure they would get along just great! Clearing his throat, he prepared to teach his new apprentice a few choice lyrics.

*.*.*.*.*

"What do you mean his leg is broken?" McCoy demanded angrily. "How in the heck did that happen?"

"I believe he was attacked." Vader replied calmly. 

"Well, why didn't you stop the perpetrator?" 

"It was a female." The Sith Lord explained.

"OH! Well, that explains it. I guess I better go fix his leg then." McCoy stood up and walked around his desk, heading for the office door.

"Doctor, if you have a moment?" Vader watched the doctor carefully, his mind reaching out like prying fingers to take a peek inside the other's head. But the Sith Lord's curiosity only increased when he encountered strong mental shields. They seemed out of place on a man with no Force abilities, but then, McCoy wasn't your ordinary physician. "How exactly did you bring the dead Jedi back to life?"

"I was wondering when someone was going to ask about that." McCoy admitted. "I just used a Genesis device I got from Regula One."

"And you have more of these devices?" Vader asked, standing between the doctor and the door. 

"Sorry, I don't. I only had the one." McCoy waited patiently for Vader to move out of the way. But the Sith Lord made no motions to move. "Well, are you going to stand there all day? I got a broken leg to mend!"

"And where is Regula One?" Vader was determined to learn as much as he could about this unknown device the doctor had used. The information could prove useful. "I never heard of that planet."

McCoy rolled his pale blue eyes and snatched the protoplaster off his desk. "It's a deep space research station in the Matara sector, not a planet! And you're wasting your time asking me about Genesis. I have no knowledge. The guy that built it was Jim's son and he's dead. Besides, Genesis is a failure."

With that, McCoy squeezed his way past Vader and hurried into Palpatine's room.

A failure? How could a device that brings the dead back to life be considered a failure?

*.*.*.*.*

"Here we are." Vader said to his son as the three of them entered Vader's personal quarters. The Sith Lord pointed to the com that sat on his desk. "You may go call Mara. Here is her private number."

Luke took the pad that had Mara's private number on it and gulped nervously. This would be a lot harder than he had thought!

*.*.*.*.*

Mara Jade relaxed in the round marble tub up to her neck in bubbles. For the moment, she had no assignment so she was spending her free time enjoying herself. The Emperor had gone up to see Lord Vader on Executor so unless she received a call from the ship, there was nothing for her to worry about. Closing her eyes, she sunk deeper into the sweet-scented bubble bath. 

BEEP!

At the sound, Mara's eyes flew open. Someone was calling her on her private line. Only a select few knew the code for that line, so the call must be important. Heaving herself out of the bath, Mara rushed out of the bath towards the com as possible scenarios raced through her mind. Had something happened to her Master? Did Palpatine have a new target for her? She groaned at the messy trail of water and soap she was making through her apartment, but what else could she do? Her Master needed her. Reaching the com, she keyed it for voice only. "Yes?"

There was no reply, just the slight crackling of the open line.

"Hello?" Mara asked, confused. Who would call her on the private line and then not say anything?

CLICK!

Mara stared at the com, confused. The person had hung up on her! Turning, she spotted the wet trail on the floor and swore in ten different languages.

*.*.*.*

"My mind went blank!" Luke whined. "I heard her voice and all coherent thought went out of my head!"

Vader groaned and held his mask in his black-gloved hands. His son was utterly hopeless!

"Call her back!" Obi-Wan advised. "You can't expect to get things right on the first attempt!"

"Are you sure?" Luke stared at the com as if it were a dangerous animal about to bite him. 

"Just call her!" Vader demanded.

*.*.*.*.*

Mara had just got her floor cleaned and settled back into her relaxing bath when a sound interrupted her for the second time.

BEEP!

"Now what is it?" Mara yelled angrily as she hauled her soaking wet body out of the bath and hurried to the com, leaving another wet trail through her apartment. She hit the voice only button and barked into it. "Yes?"

Once again there was no reply.

Mara checked the number the call was coming from and saw it originated onboard the Executor. "Who is this?"

CLICK!

The Emperor's Hand glared at her com in fury. Someone was playing infantile pranks on her, but how did they get her private number? Sighing, she turned away. She had only taken three steps when the com sounded again.

BEEP!

"Hello? This is Mara Jade."

CLICK!

A few silent moments passed.

BEEP!

"Mara here. Who is this?"

CLICK!

Mara pulled up a chair and sat down in front of the com, water still dripping onto the floor. She was determined to find out who the heck was calling her even if it took all day! Could there be some problem aboard Executor? 

BEEP!

"Yes?"

CLICK!

BEEP!

"Please say something!" Mara demanded.

"Ummm…. Hi?" a voice stuttered from the com.

Mara was so shocked at hearing a voice finally that she practically fell off her chair. "Well, you can speak after all and it only took you sixty-three com calls, too! What's the message?"

"Ummm…." 

"Just spit it out!" Mara demanded. What type of idiot was Palpatine using these days to send her messages?

"Ahhh…"

"What's the matter with you?" Mara asked, growing angrier. She heard some rustling in the background, then what sounded like a pad being turned on. Great, the guy had to read the message because he had forgotten it! Where did Palpatine find these idiots? And why have a messenger call her at all? He or Lord Vader usually did it. Nor was it one of the Commanders of Executor, because Mara knew all their voices. It was part of her training as the Hand to know such things.

"Love… Love is a many splendored thing…"

"WHAT?!" Mara's mouth dropped open as she stared at the con. Someone was SINGING!! What kind of call was this?

"Love lifts us up where we belong…." The voice sang at her.

"Who is this?" Mara yelled at the com, her soaking wet red hair trailing down her back. 

"All you need is Love….!!!" The voice crooned from the com. "Love lifts us up where we belong, where eagles fly on a mountain high…."

"This is ridiculous!" Mara said as she snatched her bathrobe and tied it around herself. Flipping the com to visual, she was startled to see Skywalker standing in Vader's private quarters crooning to her! "Skywalker! What do you think you're doing?!"

Luke's blue eyes widened as he realized Mara could see him now. His face began to take on a reddish tone, his bottom jaw dropped several inches and his eyes bugged out. "Aahhhhh…"

"Not THAT again!" Mara didn't know what to do about this stupid problem. Skywalker just kept calling her! If she hung up on him he'd just call back again and again and again. And since it was her private line, she couldn't just pull the wire out, either. No, Palpatine might need to call her. "What do you WANT?"

"We should be lovers…!" 

Mara scowled. Great, just great! Skywalker had some crush on her and was singing some dumb song from years and years ago! "I'm going to get you for this, Skywalker! Just you wait until I get up there!"

The Emperor's Hand punched the com off so hard her finger hurt, then marched to her bedroom to get dressed. She would go up to Executor and teach Skywalker a few lessons!

To be continued…

Author's Note: The song is from Ewan's movie, "Moulin Rouge". Sorry, I couldn't resist. Hee-hee.


	19. Prince Xizor

Author's Note: Sorry I didn't update this story for a few days, but here's a new chapter!

Chapter 19: Xizor

Darth Vader stared at his son in shock. "Where did you learn such a song?"

"Ben taught it to me." Luke explained to his father. He didn't see why his father had to make a big deal about everything, even singing a song. The important thing was that Mara was going to come and see him! Excitement bubbled through him at the thought. "Isn't it great? Mara loved it!"

The Sith Lord rolled his eyes under the mask, and then waved a fist at his son. "Mara is furious with you! She'll probably try to kill you now. It is best if I hide you somewhere secure where she can't find you."

"Hide? I'm not going to hide!" Luke protested, a wild look in his blue eyes. "I have to see her! Today!"

"I will have none of this foolishness on my ship!" Vader reprimanded the boy. Why couldn't Luke see how dangerous Mara really was? Was her beauty blinding him to the truth of her deadly ways? "She is annoyed with your calls. You called her over sixty times and kept hanging up! That is enough to drive anyone mad."

"Well, I was nervous!" Luke admitted sheepishly. "But the hard part is over now and I told her! When she gets here we can go on our first date!"

"Your first, last and only date." Vader muttered under his breath. His stupid son was going to get himself killed! "Look, Luke. I cannot allow you to go on a date with Jade. I will speak to her first."

"But…" Luke sputtered. How could he convince Vader that Mara wasn't as bad as he thought she was?

Vader moved forward and grabbed Luke by his shirt and shoved him backward into the closet. Pressing buttons on the control panel, Vader locked the closet door. His son would be safe in there among his extra capes and sets of armor. Yes, his personal quarters were the securest place on board Executor and were even safer than the brig.

"HEY! Let me out of here!" Luke pounded on the locked door with his fists. "You can't lock me in here! That's not fair! LET ME OUT!"

"No, Luke, you will stay in there for the time being." Vader informed him. "I need to go speak to Jade."

"Ben! Get me out of here!" Luke called to his friend from within the closet.

Obi-Wan glanced up at Vader's black mask, noticing that as a Sith Lord he was taller. "Really Anakin, locking him in a closet. Is that really necessary?"

"Yes," Vader replied, fuming. He reached out and gripped Obi-Wan by his cream colored tunics, shoving him roughly against a wall. "I will not underestimate Jade. She is a ruthless killer and thanks to you she is now hunting for my son! And where did you learn such a song? You were always preaching love was forbidden to Jedi! That is what we fought over and why I'm forced to wear this mask!"

"It's just a song, Anakin!" Obi-Wan's blue eyes widened in panic. His former Padawan had him firmly in his grip and worse; he was losing control of his emotions again. "I … I just like singing in the shower! I had no idea he was going to do something like that!"

Vader glared at him, the anger rushing through his body. "A likely story."

"It's true! I swear!" Wrapping both hands around Vader's black glove, the Jedi tried to get free or at least lessen the grip. But it was for naught, for Vader gripped him with his mechanical hand. There was no way Obi-Wan could over-power a machine.

"Let us get something straight." Vader began. "I am the Master now and you will do as I say."

The Jedi nodded in agreement. He would placate Anakin for the moment, but he couldn't allow a Sith to command him. He was still a Jedi. Still, this situation left little choice at the moment. Nor did he wish to get involved in another lightsaber duel with Vader, especially if it wasn't necessary.

"Good." Vader yanked him towards the door leading into the hallway. "You will come with me to see Jade."

Obi-Wan had no choice but to follow Vader.

...

Meanwhile down on Coruscant, Mara Jade was heading towards her personal shuttle. She had almost reached it when a figure appeared on her personal landing platform. Her body tensed and then relaxed when she recognized the man with the long topknot of black hair. She stared at him with her green eyes, alert and one hand hovering near the blaster on her hip. "What are you doing here?"

Prince Xizor smiled at her as he boldly came closer. "I think we both want the same thing."

"And what might that be?" Jade asked. She had no time to be dealing with the Falleen at the moment. She wanted Skywalker!

"Why, Skywalker, of course!" Xizor laughed, his topknot of hair blowing in a sudden gust of wind. He reached into his belt and pulled a tiny round pink object out and popped it into his mouth. Chewing, he closed his eyes for a moment and luxuriated in the power that coursed through his body. "Hmmm… you don't happen to have any, do you?"

"Have what?" Jade asked as she eyed the green skinned Falleen suspiciously. What had he just eaten? She knew that Vader and Xizor had fought not that long ago, the result being the destruction of Xizor's Skyhook and his castle. Word was that Skywalker had also been involved. In the end, Palpatine had sided with Vader and that was the last she had heard of the incident until now. Obviously Prince Xizor was a sore looser and wanted revenge on Skywalker. Well, the annoying Jedi was hers!

"Pills, my dear, pills!" Xizor laughed loudly as he came closer. The drug was rushing through his system now. He could feel the incredible rush it gave him and he loved it. But the supply he had stolen from the doctor's office was almost gone now and he needed a new supply. Unfortunately, none of the Empire's medical droids would give him any! How he hated those uncaring metal beasts! If it were left to him, he would have them all destroyed!

"Why would I have pills?" Jade asked, confused. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Of course you do!" Xizor accused angrily, his happy mood vanishing within seconds when it became clear she wasn't going to give him any pills. His face turned a darker shade of green as he leaped at her. "Give them to me!"

Mara moved like lightning, her black boot rising to meet Xizor and the Falleen Prince crashed to the metal landing platform. "Now get out of here, you pest! I'm after Skywalker and have no time to play your foolish games."

Xizor watched as Jade walked up the ramp into her shuttle, her long red hair trailing down her back. He fumed for a moment in silence. How dare she kick him! He was a Prince! He was the Mighty Xizor, owner of Black Sun! He was the Master of Pills! Scrambling to his knees, Xizor launched himself up the ramp after her. The element of surprise was on his side and he leaped onto her back, crushing her to the cold floor of the shuttlecraft.

"Get off me!" Jade commanded. She was dazed that he had attacked her like this. His crazy behavior made no sense. His fight was with Vader, not her. Xizor wanted Skywalker for himself and was planning on getting rid of her was a possibility. Well, she'd see about that! "Skywalker is mine!"

"Skywalker?" Xizor asked as he struggled to hold Mara down on the floor of the shuttle. "Is he your source?"

"Yes! He's my source of annoyance!" Mara buckled and managed to throw Xizor off, the Falleen flying into a dark corner of the shuttle and hitting his head against a seat. She glared at him and pulled out her blaster. Aiming at his chest, she paused to see what he would do.

"Is it powerful, this Annoyance?" Xizor asked. He had never heard of a pill by that name but then they were always coming out with new ones. He had never dreamed that Skywalker was a pill dealer, but then, it made perfect sense. Who better to slip under the watchful eyes of the government then such an innocent looking farm boy? Yes, he had the perfect cover! But no matter, he would go to Executor and find Skywalker!

"Yes, it's very powerful!" Mara thought back to the sixty some com calls, her face twisting in displeasure.

"Good! Take me to Executor!" The Falleen demanded.

Mara considered throwing Xizor off her ship, then re-evaluated the situation. It would be better to let Vader deal with the man. Besides, his presence should keep the Sith Lord busy while she hunted down Skywalker. "I will, but if you ever touch me again I'll kill you."

Xizor only grinned at her as he rose to his feet. The pills Skywalker was providing Jade must be incredibly powerful if she was willing to kill for them. He moved to the back of the shuttle and went into the refresher. Closing the door securely, he opened Jade's medicine cabinet and peered within. Most people, he knew, kept some type of pills in there and he wasn't disappointed. But when he examined the various bottles his elation at the find fell. They were just ordinary pain pills, totally useless! Angrily he tossed the bottles against the far wall where several of them cracked, spilling their contents all over the floor. "There must be something in here!"

He hurled more items out, carelessly throwing them over his shoulder. He was making a huge mess in Jade's refresher and he didn't care. The desire for pills had grown in him. It was an insatiable need just like water or food or air. He needed it and he needed it NOW. The medicine cabinet was almost empty and Xizor was about to give up when a dust-covered object jammed in the upper right hand corner caught his eye. It was a thin card and was partly hidden by the hinge. Hope rising in his chest, he reached for it. He gripped it with his long fingers and attempted to pull it free, but it was stuck! The darn cabinet's hinge was clinging to it!

"GIVE IT TO ME!" Xizor wailed as he yanked with all his strength. But it was wedged in tightly and refused to budge.

"What are you doing in there?" Demanded Jade as she twisted around in the pilot's seat to face the rear of the craft.

"NOTHING!" Xizor yelled back at her as he tore the door off the cabinet. "I'm just talking to myself!"

"You better not be wrecking my ship!" Jade threatened. "What was that loud crash I just heard?"

"I dropped my weapon, that's all! Nothing for you to be concerned with." Xizor held the desired card and blew the thick layer of dust of it. To his utter delight, he found a bunch of tiny pills on it! All the pills were in rows with the days of the week written above them. The Falleen Prince had never seen pills like these before. Since Jade had them hidden well, he deducted they must be very powerful indeed. Tearing open the transparent cover, Xizor dumped all the pills into his open mouth and gulped them down. Helping himself to a drink of water, he tossed the empty package aside. Leaving the mess on the floor, he exited the refresher.

On the floor, the card had landed face up with the words Birth Control Pills clearly visible, along with an expiration date of five years ago.

...

Back on the Executor, Luke seethed in the closet. For one, there was barely enough room in there for him with all the sets of armor. He kept shoving at them but there just was nowhere for them to go. "I got to get out of here!"

Turning around so he faced the back of the closet, Luke ignited his lightsaber and started cutting a hole in the back wall. It was slow work but he kept at it and soon he had a hole big enough he could squeeze through. He climbed through and looked around. He was in someone's personal quarters. Whose, he didn't know. But he had to get out of here before he was caught. He headed towards the door but then stopped mid-stride, his brain clicking. "If I go out there dressed like this, Father will catch me right away and then I can't see Mara. I need a disguise!"

Luke headed towards the closet, the one that belonged to whoever owned the room. He had been hoping for the white-and-black stormtrooper armor but only saw a few gray officer uniforms. "Great! Those won't fit me at all! I need a better disguise, one that no one won't question…"

The young Jedi rubbed his chin, and then hurried back to the hole in the wall. Reaching in, he pulled out a set of his father's black armor. Perhaps he could disguise himself as his father and sneak out of the room. Then when he found a quite place where he was alone he could ditch the disguise. Luke smiled. It was a brilliant plan, one he was sure Han would be proud of. Arranging the various pieces of armor on the ground, Luke tried to figure out exactly how to put it on. He didn't want to admit it yet, but it all looked very complicated.

After struggling with it for about an hour, he was finally incased in his disguise. Of course, Vader was a lot taller and wider than he was, so the outfit didn't fit very well. The extra length of leg was bunched up around his boots and the arms were trailing, as was the cape. The mask was open a bit around his neck so he could let air in to breath and Luke hoped no one would really notice. All he had to do was walk with firm steps down the hallway…providing he could see where he was going, that is. "How the heck does he ever SEE anything in this mask?!"

Stumbling towards where he thought the door should be, Luke stopped dead in his tracks. The door was opening! Someone was coming into the room! Panic gripped his heart and he hoped it wasn't his father.

"My Lord!" Admiral Piett exclaimed, shocked at finding Darth Vader in his quarters.

Luke motioned with his hand. "Out of my way!"

"Y..Yes, My Lord!" Piett quickly moved on the side. Then he noticed the large round hole in his wall and gasped. "My wall! What has happened?"

"I became trapped in my quarters so I cut my way out with my lightsaber." Luke explained, trying to make his voice low like Vader's.

Piett blinked in confusion. "My Lord…you seem a bit … shorter?"

Luke hurried out the door. "The laundry shrunk my clothes!"

Admiral Piett watched Luke stumble down the empty hallway, the long black cape dragging on the floor. "The laundry shrunk his clothes?"

To be continued…


	20. Admiral Piett

Chapter 20: Admiral Piett

The shuttlecraft landed in the huge bay on Executor and the ramp lowered. Darth Vader and Obi-Wan were already there, waiting and they were both startled to see Mara Jade come running out, screaming. The beautiful, fearless assassin leaped onto the startled Jedi and knocked him to the floor.

"You have to DO something!" Mara wailed as she scrambled to her feet, glancing back at her shuttle nervously. "It's terrible!"

"What's terrible?" Obi-Wan asked, confused.

"Now what is going on?" Vader stared at the shuttle. Lately it had been one thing after another! When were things going to go back to being normal?

As if in reply, Prince Xizor appeared at the mouth of the shuttle, swaying slightly. He clutched one hand to his stomach, the other weakly holding onto the metal doorway. Spittle clung from his bottom lip and his skin was an especially pale green. He stumbled down the ramp and almost fell, then managed to catch his balance. The next moment his face twisted in pain, he bent over and hurled the contents of his stomach all over the landing bay.

"That's what's going on!" Mara shrieked as she leaped backward before any of the vomit could hit her. 'He tore apart my entire bathroom, then he started puking and just wouldn't stop!"

Vader smoldered at the sight of vomit all over his landing bay. How dare he do such a thing on Executor! "He is addicted to pills."

Mara watched as Xizor stumbled to a clean area of the landing bay and dirtied that spot. Stormtroopers were pointing at him, talking into comlinks. Soon they would catch and restrain the Falleen; hopefully they'd shoot him. She straightened her back, embarrassed by her momentary moment of panic. She had a quarry to hunt down. "Well, he's your problem, Vader. I have other things to do."

"Not so fast, Jade!" Vader's hand snapped out and caught her by the wrist. "You will not harm my son. I cannot allow that."

"Well, you shouldn't be letting him make prank calls to my private number!" Mara glared at the Sith Lord's black mask. "I'm not scared of you, Lord Vader. You can't intimidate me like you do everyone else. And I report only to Palpatine himself. If I'm not mistaken, he's aboard your ship this very minute. He might be interested to know you're apparently associating with a Rebel and a Jedi."

"The Emperor already knows of their presence." Vader replied calmly. "And Luke was not making a prank call. He has an infatuation."

"What?!" Mara shrieked in shock.

"Yes, he loves you!" Obi-wan added as he picked himself up off the floor where Mara had knocked him. "It's all he's been talking about."

"That's ridiculous!" Mara scoffed. "He doesn't even know me! So I picked him up one time to go see Palpatine. Geez, that doesn't mean he loves me!"

"But he's convinced he does." Obi-Wan told her.

"And you will not harm him because of it." Vader warned her, menace in his voice. "If you try, I promise you will not live very long."

"The guy is a total idiot!" Mara complained, horror on her face. "He couldn't even stand on his own two feet when I meet him! And you better control your wayward son, Vader, or else!"

Mara turned to leave the shuttle bay, snatching her hand free of Vader's grasp.

"Where are you going?" Vader demanded.

"To see Palpatine." Mara replied as she walked out, a smile on her face. And if she just happened to run across Skywalker on the way, well, that was just too bad!

The Sith Lord watched her leave, then turned around to see what Xizor was doing. But he was gone and the stormtroopers were lying in a big heap on the floor. Incompetent fools!

A gray uniformed officer approached Vader. "Lord Vader, there is a call for you."

"Very well." Vader wet to the com unit on the nearby wall and pressed it. "Yes? This is Lord Vader."

"My Lord! Someone has vandalized your private quarters!" Admiral Piett's voice informed him. "And the person has stolen one of your sets of clothing and is masquerading as you. What do you want me to do?"

Drat! Vader scowled under his mask. It was clear Luke had escaped from the closet. "It is my son. Have him caught but under no circumstances is he to be harmed! And be on the lookout for Prince Xizor. He is also to be caught. And while you are at it, see if you can find Mara Jade. And a beautiful woman with black hair, she should have a Jedi robe with her. Oh, and find that drat smuggler, Solo! Last he was seen crawling into an air duct."

"My Lord? Is that all?" A very startled Piett asked, trying to remember it all.

"No, there should also be several Jedi loose on the ship."

"Jedi, My Lord?"

"Yes, Jedi!" Vader fumed.

"Will that be all, My Lord?" Piett asked hopefully.

"No. Go check personally if my Mother is still in Sickbay. If not, find out where she went! And Master Yoda was there, too."

"Y…Your Mother, My Lord?" Piett stuttered.

"YES! My Mother!" Vader replied.

"Very well, My Lord." Admiral Piett paused for a moment, then continued. "What shall be done about the hole in your quarters, My Lord?"

"What hole?" Vader asked, bewildered. He had known that Piett said his quarters had been vandalized, but a hole? He had presumed Luke had just thrown things around a bit, perhaps forced the closet door open.

"There is a big hole in the wall, My Lord. It was cut with a lightsaber, or so said the … your son?"

"I will be there momentarily. Go find those individuals I mentioned." Vader sighed. The Executor was so big and people were getting lost on it. Who knew what other stupid things his son might do? Cutting a hole in the wall? What had the boy been thinking of? Then Vader remembered something else. "Piett, also go find my daughter while your at it. She's on board somewhere, too."

"Yes, My Lord!" Piett replied.

...

Admiral Piett scrambled to remember whom he was all supposed to find for Lord Vader. It was an extremely crazy list. His mother, a daughter, a son, a woman with a robe, Jedi, someone crawling in the air ducts…. oh yes, Prince Xizor. Had there been anyone else? Piett thought for a moment and was sure there had been others but he couldn't remember whom. Well, he would just grab anyone that wasn't dressed like an Imperial and drag him or her over to Lord Vader. Surely finding these people couldn't be too hard. The Admiral left his quarters, shaking his head in disgust. Why in the world would someone be crawling around in the air ducts?

At least this assignment got him off the bridge and he could stretch his legs a bit, get to see other parts of Executor. He would head to Sickbay first and see if Lord Vader's mother and the Jedi Master were still there. But weren't the Jedi supposed to be extinct? Nether less, it was his duty to question Lord Vader's commands but to carry them out. He just rounded a corner when he spotted a civilian wearing grease-stained robes. "You! Halt!"

Master Mace Windu stopped and turned around to look at Piett. "Yes? What may I do for you?"

"I have orders to bring you to Lord Vader." Admiral Piett explained to the dark-skinned man.

"I don't have time to waste. I'm on Official Jedi business!" Mace told him as he glanced up at the ceilings and walls. "I'm tracking a dastardly scoundrel that attacked me and a fellow Jedi. He's crawling around in the vents somewhere…"

"I have orders to catch that one, too." Piett admitted as he looked at the Jedi hopefully. "Do you know where he is?"

"No, I don't. I don't even know where I am!" Mace glanced up and down the long white corridor. "Everything around here looks the same! It's just one hallway after another after another! I became separated from Qui-Gon about an hour ago and I can't find him, either. We were looking for a men's room but couldn't find one. We did find an unlocked supply closet though…"

Admiral Piett gulped, turning pale. He had to find all these missing people before every supply closet and perhaps even turbolifts were … damaged.

Loud footsteps echoed down the hallway and they both turned to see who it was.

"Hello!" Called Prince Xizor as he came staggering down the hallway, his face still a pale green. "Do you have any pills?"

"Pills?" Asked Mace, concerned. The Jedi ran forward and gripped Xizor's arm, helping to hold him up. It was obvious the poor man was sick. "We must get him to Sickbay! This man needs medical attention."

Xizor leaned heavily on Mace as he eyed the things on the Jedi's belt, especially the shiny little capsules. They called to him, saying TAKE ME! TAKE ME! TAKE ME! And so he did what they said. Reaching down like a bolt of lightning, the Falleen unhooked Mace's belt and dashed down the hallway with it.

"HEY! My belt!" Mace started to run after the green thief, but after a few steps his white pants slid down around his ankles and he tripped, falling flat on his face.

Prince Xizor skidded around a corner and disappeared from sight.

"Well, don't just stand there, man! Help me catch him!" Mace yelled at Admiral Piett, who was standing there dumbfounded. In all his life in the military, Piett had never seen such outrageous behavior! Where had this scum come from? Seeing that Piett wasn't going to help him, Mace dashed down the hallway, one hand holding up his pants.

...

Han Solo grumbled for the thousandth time as he crawled through yet another vent. He had no idea where he was going or how to get out of this maze of endless vents. He was hot, dirty and thirsty. His only consolation was that Vader hadn't neutered him. Yet. This darn ship was too big!

A dim light was ahead and the smuggler hurried towards it. Elation filled his body when he saw the metal grating. Yes! He had finally found a way out! Eagerly he knocked the metal grate to the floor and poked his head out, looking up and down the hallway to see if the cost was clear. He cocked his head sideways, listening carefully. He couldn't be too careful. This was an Imperial ship and old helmet head was pretty sore at the moment about the pink stuff. He heard some faint footsteps, but they didn't sound like a stormtrooper. Still, he pulled his head back in like a turtle and waited. Within moments a woman appeared. She stopped, staring at the metal grate on the floor and then glanced up.

"Hey!" Han poked his head out, grinning at her. "You're Luke's grandmother, aren't you? We met, remember?"

"What are you doing up there?" Shmi asked. "Are you fixing something?"

"Er, I'm all done up here." Han eased more of his body out and then dropped to the floor, managing to land on his feet. He brushed at his once white shirt, now a dark gray from dust. A dark cloud filled the air and they both coughed. "Remind me never to go up there again."

"Do you know where we are?" Shmi asked hopefully. "I've been wondering around what seems forever and can't seem to find anyone."

Han glanced at a symbol on the wall. "Landing bay is that way, three decks down. The turbolift should be just ahead, first turn on the right-hand branching corridor."

Her eyes grew big. "How do you know that?"

Han swung his arm. "Ah, they make all these ships the same."

They started walking down the hallway in the direction Han had indicated.

"Hey, how would you like to help me bake some cakes?" the smuggler asked.

...

Luke finally found a nice quite room on the Executor where he could finally take off this annoying disguise. Except for a single crewmember watching a control panel, the room was empty. A sign on the door marked it as the AUXILIARY CONTROL ROOM. Still in his father's set of armor, Luke stepped forward. "You! Leave at once!"

The startled crewmember stared open-mouthed at Luke. "Darth Vader!"

"Yes, it is I." Luke said boldly, hoping he sounded halfway like his famous father. Still, his voice lacked the sound and power of Vader's, but the man didn't seem to notice. He only had eyes for the black breath mask.

"Yes, Lord Vader!" The man hurried out of the room and stood uncertainly in the hallway. "What shall I do?"

Luke's stomach rumbled loudly. It had been hours since he had eaten last. "Go fetch me a gallon of blue milk, five bantha burgers, a side order of fries and a barbequed rib of sand sloth."

"Y..Yes, My Lord!" The surprised crewmember hurried down the hall to get the desired food, wondering how he was going to carry all of that back to the Auxiliary Control Room.

Once the man was gone, Luke went inside and locked the door. Removing the heavy costume, he was relieved that he could finally breath freely again. Glancing around, he quickly realized he could control the entire ship from this one room. Bending forward, he carefully examined the control panel until he found the switch he wanted. Reaching out, he flipped the one marked SHIPWIDE INTERCOM and cleared his throat. Mara was sure to be on board somewhere by now and he was going to serenade her.

To be continued…


	21. Padme

Chapter 21: Padme

Padme stopped in the long empty hallway, glancing this way and that. Her sneezing fit had ended a while ago, but now she didn't think the Wookie fur had caused it. She had never been allergic to Wookies before, so why now? Perhaps that Solo had some other stuff on that filthy hankie he had offered her, something like sneezing powder. She certainly wouldn't put it past the man. Wasn't he trying to kill Palpatine? Well, not that killing Palpatine would be a bad thing. The ex Supreme Chancellor turned Emperor had been the one to ruin not only her marriage but had ruined the entire galaxy! But the things Solo had done to the poor Jedi Masters…

She crushed Obi-Wan's Jedi robe to her chest, hugging it. She was so confused now! Here she was alive again and on her husband's ship. Except Anakin was still Darth Vader, that horrid Sith Lord! Was she still legally married to him since she had died and was brought back somehow? Did she want to be married to him? Had he changed any at all or was he still full of anger? Was any part of her beloved Ani alive inside the vile Sith?

Oh, it was o so confusing!

And then there were her children! They were all grown up and on the ship somewhere, too! She really needed to find Leia and have a serious talk with her about that Solo person. What in the galaxy her daughter saw in that scoundrel was beyond her. But then, who knew how her daughter had turned out? And then there was the possibility that one of her children could have taken after her husband, have his dark side. What a horrible thought!

At the sound of running footfalls, Padme turned around and looked behind her. Within moments, a man appeared. He had green skin and a long topknot of black hair. And for some unknown reason, he was carrying a belt in one hand. There was a lightsaber attached to his belt, so he must be another Jedi.

"Hello!" Prince Xizor called brightly when he spotted Padme standing in the hallway. The Falleen's eyes scanned her from head to foot, paying special attention to anywhere she might choose to hide pills. He noted the bright round blob among her black hair and grinned. People on this ship were especially resourceful. They carried pills in all different locations; that black man securing long capsules to his belt while the woman stashed them away inside her hairdo. Nether less, he would take them from her!

"Master Jedi, I seem to be lost and require directions." Padme smiled politely at him, unaware the hardened ball of gum in her hair was undergoing severe scrutiny.

"Prince Xizor at your service!" Xizor bowed, bending forward so low his long topknot of black hair brushed against the white floor. He straightened up again, all smiles of white teeth. Casually he inched closer. "My Lady, you wouldn't happen to know where Skywalker is, do you?"

"Skywalker?" Padme instantly thought of Anakin as he used to be. So brave, so dashing, so mischievous! He was always willing to protect her with his life and they had made a good team. He had been so handsome with crystal blue eyes that could melt her insides like butter with one glance and that cute little braid he had sported. She sighed loudly, lost in her memories.

"Hello?" Xizor waved a hand in front of Padme's face. Boy, the woman was on some really good drugs! Whatever it was, it was way better than those things that he had stolen from Jade. Those things had only made him puke his guts out all over her fancy little shuttlecraft. He waved both hands in front of her face and started jumping up and down wildly. "Hello? Remember me? We were talking!"

Padme blinked, startled to see Xizor. She had become lost in her daydream about Anakin and the happy times they had shared together. "Did you say something?"

"Yes! I said I was Prince Xizor!"

"Oh, I'm sorry Master Jedi. I was thinking of my husband." Padme explained, her face and neck becoming slightly pink. Before, when she had served as Senator such a foolish thing never would have happened. But if such a thing could happen with just one mention of her husband's name, surely that meant she still loved him? Well, the old him anyway. Truthfully, she didn't really know what he was like now. So many years had passed while she had been dead…

"Do you know Skywalker?"

"I'm married to him." Padme admitted. She saw no reason to keep their marriage a secret anymore. The Jedi Council had found out the truth years ago, so no use hiding it from this Jedi Master. "Do you have a problem with that, Master Jedi?"

Xizor's mouth dropped open in shock. He hadn't know Skywalker had been married, but now it all made sense! Yes, his wife carried the drug supply around in her hair, safely hidden from prying eyes and scanners at spaceports. He would be honest and try to purchase a supply from her. "Do you have any pills?"

"Pills? No, why do you ask?" Padme stared at the green man, confused.

"You cannot fool me, Dear Lady!" Xizor leaped closer, his behavior becoming more erratic. He pointed a long green finger with black fingernails at the basket-like hair accessory atop her head. "Skywalker is a pill dealer and you are carrying his supply up there!"

Padme gasped in shock, one hand flying to her open mouth. "That's not true! My husband is an honorable man!"

"I demand you give me the pills!" Xizor held out his hand, palm upward.

"I don't have any pills!" Padme cried as she backed away from him. He had a wild look in his eyes and she realized that he might very well be unstable. She took a quick glance behind her, but to her dismay the corridor was still empty. Where in the world was the crew? She used to be a fair fighter, but this man was well built with strong muscles. She doubted if she could lick him empty-handed in a fight. Besides, he had a lightsaber…

"GIVE THEM TO ME!" Xizor leaped at her, hands outstretched for her hair. His fingers closed around the hardened glob of gum and he yanked, almost pulling Padme off her feet. The gum came free and he jammed it into his mouth, along with several long black human hairs.

"EEEEEEEE!" Padme shrieked and raced down the hallway, her hair loose and trailing behind her. The basket-like hair accessory had been partly pulled off her and it dangled in the air, slamming into her back with each step.

"COME BACK HERE WITH THOSE PILLS!" Xizor screamed as he gave chase after her. He held the prized pill inside his mouth; it was too large to swallow without water. He then remembered the lightsaber he had stolen from the black guy and he pulled it off his belt, igniting it. He saw it had a cool purple blade and he grinned. Purple was good, it went well with his green skin and black topknot. Everyone was so greedy! They didn't want to share their lovely pills with him! Well, he'd show them!

Padme raced around a corner and was relieved to see the familiar tall dark shape of her husband. Obi-Wan was with him. "Ani! Ani, help me! There's some crazy Jedi trying to kill me!"

"PIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLSSSSSSSSS!" Xizor came tearing around the corner at hyperlight speed only to skid to a halt when he saw Darth Vader. His target was hiding behind Vader's black-clad body, peering out at him fearfully. "Oh, Hello! Did that nice shrink help you with your mental problems, Lord Vader?"

"I do NOT have mental problems!" Vader hissed at the Falleen, angry. "Give me that lightsaber!"

"Oh, you're STILL in denial? How very sad. Sad indeed!" Xizor smiled brightly as he held the purple lightsaber in his hand, admiring it. "Hmmm, what a pretty color! And look how it sizzles and hisses. I wonder if it needs some pills? Would you like some pills, my purple friend? You would? Grand!"

Vader pulled out his own lightsaber and turned on the long red blade. "Give me the lightsaber, Xizor! You do not wish to fight me, for you will loose."

"Give me my PILLS first!" Xizor pointed a finger at Padme. "She has lots of pills! Her husband is a pill dealer!"

"I am NOT a pill dealer!" Vader hissed angrily as he waved his lightsaber at Xizor. "How dare you make such an accusation!"

"Not YOU, you idiot! SKYWALKER!" Xizor jumped up and down as if he was having a temper tantrum, which wasn't that far from the truth. "Skywalker is the pill dealer! Jade told me so! And she refused to share any with me, even her wonderful Annoyance! Oh, she is sooooooooo greedy!"

"I am married to Padme." Vader stated.

Xizor stopped jumping. The Falleen stared at him with an open mouth, his eyes growing wide as saucers.

"Uh-oh. You shouldn't have said that." Obi-Wan commented.

"YOU'RE MARRIED TO SKYWAKER'S WIFE!" Xizor screeched as loudly as he could. "SHE HAS TWO HUSBANDS!!!!!!!"

Vader felt like strangling Xizor.

Just then Mace appeared behind Xizor in the hall, one hand holding up his pants, the other firmly clapped over an ear. "YOU! Give me back my lightsaber and my belt!"

Xizor pointed a green finger at Padme. "She has TWO HUSBANDS!"

"Really?" Mace inquired as he moved closer to Xizor. "And would you please stop screaming so loudly? You're giving me a headache!"

"You should take some pills!" Xizor advised happily. Then he remembered the scandalous news of Padme having two husbands. "She has TWO HUSBANDS! They both married her because she's a PILL DEALER!!!"

"The Jedi Council knows who she's married to." Mace reassured the Falleen as he moved closer. "Now give me that lightsaber!"

"Why? Is it yours?" Xizor asked innocently, a wicked gleam in his eyes. He was enjoying the little game with baldy, but what he really craved was the pills. Still, he would string the man along; see how out-of-control he could make him. That would be fun. Yes, lots and lots of fun.

"Yes, it's my lightsaber!" Mace shouted, the Jedi just barely managing to restrain his anger. He had met all sorts but never had he met anyone quite like Prince Xizor of the Falleen. "Give it here!"

Xizor turned to look at the purple lightsaber. "Do you want to go with the baldheaded man? No, you don't? That's OK. I'll take good care of you, feed you lots of wonderful pills once I get a new supply."

"This is ridiculous!" Mace warned, anger getting a firm grip on him now. "Stop talking to that lightsaber and give it back! If you don't cooperate, you'll be sorry!"

"But it doesn't LIKE you anymore. It likes me. You wouldn't want to hurt it's feelings now, would you?" Xizor asked Mace, an innocent expression on his green face. Inside, he was laughing gleefully. His plan was working wonderfully and the man was loosing his cool.

Mace took a deep breath and held it, then let it out. He had to stay calm and focused. If he let Xizor get the best of him, he risked everything he had worked so hard for. It was enough that they had two Sith to deal with, the galaxy didn't need a third just because he had lost his temper. Once he had released his anger into the Force, Mace smiled and held out his hand. "Give me the lightsaber and I'll give you all the pills that you want. OK?"

"You don't have any." Xizor tossed the belt back at Mace. He had swallowed the capsules that had been attached to the belt, but sadly they didn't have any kick in them at all. Unknown to Xizor, they hadn't been pills at all but the Jedi's emergency food supply.

"Look, I'll get you some!" Mace promised.

"You're boring." Xizor stated and turned his attention back to Padme, Vader and Obi-Wan. He really needed some pills now, bad! He could feel his system running out of the wonderful kick, slowing down. She was the one that had all the pills. Hmm… how could he get them with Vader in the way? "Hey, Lady! You want another husband? Is that what I got to do to get the pills, marry you?"

Padme's mouth dropped open, her face going pale. "I don't have any pills! And I only have ONE husband!"

"No, you got TWO husbands!" Xizor insisted, the wild look growing in his eyes again. "You're married to Skywalker and Vader, that's TWO husbands! So if you have two, why not THREE? Huh?"

Padme was growing furious. This vile green man was going to spread horrible rumors about her all over the ship! Soon they'd get off the ship and everyone would hear his horrible lies, it'll be a nightmare! Then something clicked in her head. She kept forgetting time had passed while she had been dead. Maybe he wasn't referring to Anakin when he said Skywalker, but Luke? Could that be what was creating the confusion? She forced herself to remain calm, she was a dignified Senator and she wouldn't loose her temper. "Do you mean Luke?"

"YEAH! He's SKYWALKER! The PILL DEALER!" Xizor shouted with excitement. "You admit it! You have TWO HUSBANDS!"

"Luke is my son!" Padme explained, being foolish enough to think that solved the Falleen's problem.

"You married your OWN SON?! Oh, lady, that's SICK!" Xizor twisted his face up.

"I'm NOT married to my son, you crazy alien! How many times do I have to keep telling you I only have ONE husband!" Padme shouted, loosing control of her temper. "And I DON'T have any pills!"

Xizor pointed a finger at Obi-Wan. "Are you married to him, too?"

"NO!" Padme shouted.

"Why are you getting ME involved in this for?" Obi-Wan asked the Falleen. "I just got alive again! I don't want him killing me for something you said!"

"You need some serious counseling, Lady, having all those husbands! THREEE of them!" Xizor shook his head sadly, truly feeling sorry for the mixed-up Senator. "I know this good doctor. You should all go see him. He'll give you lots and lots of pills! Vader knows where his office is, don't you? I've seen him there, waiting to see the shrink."

"Why you!" Padme dashed past her husband and kicked Xizor on his leg. Reaching up, she grabbed his long topknot and yanked it roughly, knocking the Falleen Prince to the ground. Mace hurried forward and took his purple lightsaber back.

"OWWWW!" Xizor cried from the floor, rubbing his sore leg. "You're MEAN! I'm not marrying you anymore!"

"And stay away from my wife!" Vader warned as he glared down at Xizor.

Xizor lay on the floor. He was still convinced that they were all pill dealers, no matter what they said. He would find a way to get the pills from them one way or another. Perhaps he should go looking for the first husband, Skywalker.

To be continued…

Author's Note: I wanted to post this last night, but a thunderstorm came along and I had to unplug my computer. The next chapter will be about Luke!


	22. Luke

Chapter 22: Luke

Mara Jade stalked down the gleaming hallway of the Executor towards Sickbay. She really wanted to go find Skywalker, but the ship was incredibly big and she had no idea where he might be. Besides, it would be better to check in with Palpatine first. She seriously doubted if her Lord and Master knew of Vader's serious transgressions against the Empire. Friending with Rebels and Jedi! How outrageous!

And what was Palpatine doing in Sickbay anyway? Had he grown ill or had someone possibly attacked him? Vader wasn't telling her everything he was supposed to, that much was clear. But what could she expect from a person who was helping his son make prank calls? The idea that Skywalker was really in love with her, it was absurd!

A strange clicking filled the air around her and Mara stopped. She tilted her head sideways and listened carefully. Could it possibly be a bomb? The sound seemed to be coming from everywhere at once, but Mara quickly tracked it to a small grate on a nearby corridor wall. It clicked loudly a few more times, and then fell silent. The assassin smiled when she realized what it was, relief flooding through her body. "It's just someone preparing to use the ship wide intercom!"

It was none of her business if someone on the bridge was going to make an announcement to the crew, so Mara continued down the hall towards Sickbay, her step a bit lighter. The crazy business with Skywalker was beginning to make her paranoid!

"Ummm…Hello? Is this thing working?" A voice floated throughout the white gleaming corridor. "Can you hear me?"

Mara froze in her tracks, ice freezing her spine. That voice! No, it couldn't be!

"This song is dedicated to my one true love, Mara Jade."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Mara shrieked, horrified! It was Skywalker! The fool had somehow got control of the intercom and he was now going to sing some idiotic song to her! Worst, everyone on the ship would hear it! She wouldn't have a moment of peace after this was over, she would be the laughing stock of the Empire! How in the galaxy had she gotten involved with such an unstable person? "Skywalker, I'm going to kill you for this!"

Presuming Vader was letting him broadcast from the bridge, Mara dashed down the hall towards the nearest turbolift.

"I just called to say I LOVE YOU, I just called to say how much I care oh yes I do…" Luke sang.

...

Up on the bridge of the Executor, confusion reigned.

"Where is that coming from?" One of the Commanders shouted, panic in his voice. Being killed by Lord Vader for such an … incident was a very real possibility! He had seen it happen before, for much smaller crimes than this one, and this one was huge! It was a total disaster!

"I don't know, Sir!" a harried Lieutenant replied as his fingers flew across his console. "But it's being broadcast all over the entire ship!"

"Well, shut if off! NOW!" The commander snapped, fingers of fear crawling down his spine. He could almost imagine the invisible fingers tightening around his throat already. He yanked on his too-tight collar, trying to relieve his stress unsuccessfully. 

"I can't! It's coming from Auxiliary Control, Sir!"

"Great, that's just great!" The Commander whined as he paced across the floor. "Some nut has control of the entire ship from down there! We may even have a hostile on board! Call Piett and Lord Vader to the bridge!"

"Yes Sir!" The Communications officer pressed a few buttons on his console and sent the call out.

...

"ADMIRAL PIETT TO THE BRIDGE! LORD VADER TO TH…"

The call was cut off mid-word by the perpetrator down in Auxiliary Control.

...

Darth Vader stood staring up at the corridor ceiling. His black-gloved hand tightened into a fist. "LUKE!"

"I just called to say I LOVE YOU and I mean it from the bottom of my heart!" Luke sang.

Padme moved closer to Vader, one hand resting on his upper arm. "Luke? That's our son singing?"

"Yes!" Vader replied. "He is trying to romance Mara Jade, the Emperor's assassin. He'll bring the entire ship down on his head!"

As if in reply to his words, the klaxon started blaring and red warning lights started flashing in the hallway. The Commander up on the bridge had decided to put the ship on Red Alert. He didn't know who was in Auxiliary Control, so he had to presume it was a hostile. No crewmember would ever dare such a stunt!

Stormtroopers appeared from nowhere, jogging down the once-empty corridor in huge groups. They had their blaster-rifles out and ready to use. The floor rattled from their combined footsteps. Mace, Padme and Obi-Wan were forced to flatten their bodies against the wall or be ran over by the troopers. Such units of troops were magically appearing all over the ship as they searched for intruders. Several stopped and helped Prince Xizor to his feet, one even swiping at imaginary dust on the Prince's clothing.

The lead stormtrooper approached Lord Vader. "What are your orders, Sir?"

"Where is that singing coming from?" Vader asked. He couldn't help but wonder how Luke had gotten control of the ship wide intercom.

"From Auxiliary Control, Sir! The bridge thinks it may be a hostile!"

"I will take care of this. Keep an eye on Prince Xizor and make sure he doesn't get away. Take him to Sickbay. The Prince is intoxicated."

"Yes, Sir!" The stormtrooper snapped a salute, and then ordered his fellow troopers to surround the Falleen.

Darth Vader started down the hall, his black cape flowing behind him majestically. Obi-Wan, Padme and Mace started to follow him.

....

Shmi froze in her tracks when she heard the klaxon and saw the red lights flashing. "What's going on?"

Han frowned and pulled out his blaster. "You're grandson is going to get himself killed, that's what! Unless we do something about it, that is."

"But what…" She began to say, but Han gripped her by the arm and yanked her into a closet. She watched as he quickly jerked the door shut. "What are we doing in here?"

"SSSHHH! You want to get us shot?" Han hissed. "I'm a wanted Rebel and we're on an Imperial ship! And stormtroopers tend to shoot first and ask questions later. So if I were you, I'd stay in this closet and keep my mouth shut."

"But isn't this Ani's ship?" Shmi asked, confused.

"Yes, but the troopers don't know who you are! They'd just shoot!" Han rolled his eyes. Vader's mother just wasn't experienced with this sort of thing. He wanted to go help Luke but knew if anything happened to Shmi Vader would really kill him. There was no doubt about that at all within his mind. He also didn't know how safe they were within this supply closet. Surely the stormtroopers would check such an obvious hiding place? "We may have to move to a better hiding spot."

Shmi had a scared expression on her face. What had she gotten herself into?

Han grinned, trying to reassure her. "Trust me. I've done this before."

....

Down in Auxiliary Control, Luke frowned at the too-loud jarring sound of the klaxon. The stupid siren was ruining his song to Mara! What idiot had turned that thing on? He leaned forward and examined the console before him for a moment, then punched a button. Instantly the howling alarm bell and the annoying flashing red lights cut off. The young Jedi smiled and spoke into his microphone.

"There, that's much better isn't it? Since I was so rudely interrupted, I'll have to start all over again! Like I said before, this song is dedicated to my one true love, Mara Jade!"

Luke cleared his throat, and then started singing. "I just called to say I LOVE YOU I just called to say how much I care oh yes I do…"

...

Qui-Gon had been strolling down the hallway minding his own business when suddenly he found himself surrounded by two-dozen stormtroopers, each one with a blaster-rifle aimed at his chest. The Jedi smiled brightly at them and held up his arms. "It's about time someone sent out a rescue party to find me! By all means, please show me to a lunchroom. I'm starving!"

....

Mara Jade burst out onto the bridge of the Executor, her blaster drawn and ready to shoot Skywalker. Upon her appearance, every head snapped to look at her, scared expressions on most of the faces. "Where is he?"

"Who…who are you?" The Commander of the ship asked fearfully. He wished Lord Vader was here or at least Admiral Piett, but so far neither of them had answered the hails they had sent out. The Commander didn't know what to think. The ship was in crisis with an unknown amount of intruders on board, the ship in hostile hands, the senior staff was off the bridge and now some crazy red-haired woman with a lethal look in her eye had busted onto the bridge! The Commander realized too late they should have sealed the blast doors, preventing intruders from getting onto the bridge and now it was too late.

"Mara Jade, the Emperor's Hand." She reached into a pocket and pulled out an ID to show the Commander. "Where are Lord Vader and Skywalker?"

Relief flooded the Commander's body when he realized the dangerous woman was on their side. He snapped to attention and saluted her. "Lord Vader was off the bridge when the incident started and we have been unable to contact him. The hostile is in Auxiliary Control, although we don't know how many of them there are."

"It's Skywalker!" Jade hissed in anger. She had been so convinced that the new thorn in her side had been up on the bridge!

"Skywalker? The Rebel?" The Commander asked, surprised.

"Yes!" Jade sprinted towards the bridge doors and the waiting turbolift. "I caught him for Palpatine but obviously he has gotten loose. Don't worry, Commander. I'll handle this. Just lock your doors and don't let anyone in without the proper code clearance. You should be safe enough up here. I'm sure Skywalker doesn't really want this ship."

"Yes, Sir!" The Commander waited a few minutes to make sure she had really left, and then he snickered. It was pretty clear from Skywalker's transmissions what he really wanted and seeing Jade for himself who could blame him? But he doubted if these inter Imperial-Rebel romances ever worked out. Wiping the smile off his face, he was once again all business. Pointing to several bridge crewmembers, he gave the order to seal the bridge doors.

....

"But what it is oh something true that these three words I must say to you! Oh I just called to say I LOVE YOU…"

Palpatine rested in his bed in Sickbay, laughing his head off. The idea of Skywalker singing love songs on the ship's intercom was just so outrageous that he couldn't help but love it! The boy may be a skirt-chaser like his father, but his method was something else! The Emperor just wished he could see Jade's face when she had first realized exactly what the boy was doing.

The Emperor closed his eyes and concentrated on his deep bond with Jade. Through the bond, he could feel all her fury and rage, her Dark Side. His beautiful assassin was also Force sensitive and could have all the powers of a Jedi if she so choose. Of course, she hadn't been trained to be a Jedi. But still, she might prove useful in more ways then one. If Skywalker truly had feelings for her, he could use that to bring the boy to the Dark Side. Yes, that could be done. Providing, of course, that Jade didn't kill him first. Sending his thoughts along the bond, he spoke to her.

/Jade. Do not kill Skywalker./

/Master? But he's humiliated me!/

/We are all big enough, I think, to take a little embarrassment. Besides, I made a promise to the boy./

/A promise?/

/Yes, I promised you would go out on a date with him./

/A DATE?! With Skywalker?! You must be joking, My Master!/

/No Jade, I am serious. You will start dating Skywalker./

/He's an idiot! A total buffoon!/

/He is a Jedi and the son of the Chosen One. Would an idiot be able to take over Auxiliary Control?/

/No./

/Then we are agreed./

/I still do not like this new assignment! I'm an assassin, not a love toy for some fool Jedi!/

/Just do not kill him, Jade. He will make a grand Sith someday. Bring him closer to the Dark Side./

/Yes, My Master, it shall be as you command./

Palpatine opened his eyes and grinned. Things were going as he had foreseen. Young Skywalker soon would be one of them, thanks to a pretty pair of green eyes.

....

Darth Vader had finally reached the Auxiliary Control room and discovered Luke had locked the door from the other side. He banged on the metal door with his fist. "LUKE! Open this door at once!"

"Not until I see Mara!" Luke's reply came from the other side.

"Luke, do not be unreasonable! You have upset the entire ship!" Vader informed his son. "Do you wish your friends to be injured by the stormtroopers?"

"No, of course not!" Luke's voice floated out. "I guess I thought a little singing wouldn't disturb the whole ship that much. I mean, I was only singing after all!"

"The bridge didn't see it that way, Son."

"Well, it's a good thing you can straighten it out for me then, huh?"

Vader fumed under his mask. The Sith Lord pointed a finger at Obi-Wan's chest. "This is the result of you teaching him old love songs!"

"I disagree, Anakin." Obi-Wan smiled at his former apprentice. "This wild behavior he inherited from YOU. Who was always breaking rules and sneaking out at night, hmmmm?"

Vader thought it over for a moment and had to admit Kenobi had a point.

"Of course, you never did anything like this…" Obi-Wan added with a grin. "Of course, I have no idea what you did when you were on Naboo alone with the Senator. For all I know you could have been serenading her, too."

"Oh, stand aside!" Barked Mace as he shoved his way to the locked door. "Luke, you open this door right now! This is Master Mace Windu of the Jedi Council!"

"I'm only opening the door for Mara!"

Just then footfalls were heard in the hallway and they all turned their heads to see Jade herself. She calmly approached the group huddled near the door, a dour look on her pretty face. "Out of my way, Jedi! Skywalker is mine."

"Now you look here!" Mace began, but Jade shoved him on the side. With a single glare from her emerald eyes, the others moved back to give her room.

"It's Jade. Open the door." Mara spoke out loud as she faced the sealed door. With a loud hiss, the doors parted and she entered the Auxiliary Control room.

To be continued…

Author's Note: Sorry this chapter really wasn't funny. It's just that Luke locking himself in the Auxiliary Control room is more a serious thing. Upcoming chapters will be funny!

Disclaimer: The song Luke was singing is not mine. It belongs to some professional singer. I used to hear it on the radio a long time ago when I was a kid.  


	23. Luke

Author's Note: Sorry I didn't update for a few days, but my cat was sick & was diagnosed with kidney disease. She's feeling better now so I'll continue with this story and "Penpals". This fic roughly takes place during "Return of the Jedi", after Han was rescued from the carbonite and Jabba killed. Someone asked about that so I thought I'd answer. Yes, it's turning out to be Luke/Mara (also Han/Leia and I guess Vader/Padme – or should I say Ani/Padme?) but their relationship is not really the main focus, although it may take up several chapters. I haven't thought up any funny ideas yet involving Lando…perhaps in the future.

Chapter 23: Luke

Mara Jade entered the Auxiliary Control Room, a scowl on her face. Skywalker was sitting by the control console wearing what looked like a set of Vader's armor minus the headpiece? And Palpatine wanted her to date something like THAT? He had his back to her for the moment, but that was easy enough to solve. "Skywalker! What is the meaning of this?"

Luke turned around in his chair to face her, his intense blue eyes focusing on her. Now that she was there in the room with him, the young Jedi could feel nervousness fluttering around in his stomach like a bunch of buzzing flies. He remembered his father's words of warning, of how dangerous she really was but all that he could see was her beauty. Yet, the idea that she could kill him in an instant sent a chill down his spine; that and the angry look in her emerald eyes. If looks could kill, he'd be dead already. This was no soft female but a well-muscled killing machine. Even her walk reminded him of a hunting cat, sleek and powerful. What had he been thinking? She'd pulverize him and leave the remains for the cleaning droids to pick up! She'd probably do such a thorough job that they'd be picking his bits out of the machinery for weeks!  "I…ummm…well it's a bit hard to explain."

"Listen, Skywalker! I want to know what all this crooning on the com is about and I want to know now!" Jade demanded as she moved closer to him. Bending, she shoved her face closer to his.

"I just want to go on a date with you!" Luke blurted out. As he said the words, relief flooded through his body. He had actually managed to get the hardest part over with. Anyway, he hoped that was the hardest part. He couldn't help but notice how close she was, too close and he began getting nervous all over again.

"And just where are you taking me on this date?" Mara asked.

"Umm…." Luke panicked, gulping. He hadn't thought that far ahead. Besides, he wasn't familiar with Coruscant at all and would have no idea where to take her. "The ship's lunchroom?"

Mara blinked, surprised. "You want to take me on a date in the ship's lunchroom, among all the stormtroopers?"

Luke shrugged his shoulders, heat rising into his face. "Is there something wrong with the lunchroom?"

Jade rolled her eyes and gripped Skywalker by his collar. "I better rate the Officer's Lounge or I'm not going on this date! The lunchroom is for commoners. As Emperor's Hand, I deserve a little more high class, get me, Skywalker?"

Luke's blue eyes grew wide. "The ship has an Officer's Lounge? Really? I suppose if I could find a map…"

"We don't need a map! I got the entire ship memorized." Mara frowned. How was she to convert Skywalker to the Dark Side when he was so simple? Here he was a Rebel and in complete control of Executor and what did he do? He used the console to make love songs on the intercom! He could have crashed the ship into the Imperial Palace or stolen it or did any numerous of things, but did he, no! There apparently was a devious bone in his body. Mara yanked him out of the chair and pulled him towards the door. "Let's get this date over with. Besides, I'd like to know what makes you tick."

"Tick?" Luke gulped again. He was going to get his date with Mara but then what? He had no idea what to say to her! And he couldn't just keep singing love songs, could he? Besides, he had only learned two songs from Obi-Wan. Learning a few more would take time and he didn't have time as his date was right NOW. And what had she meant by that tick statement?

Mara pulled him through the doorway and out into the hallway, the long black cape dragging on the ground. Worse, one of the pant legs that he had scrunched up above his boots had come loose and now he was walking on it, causing that boots to slide wildly across the polished floor. To his embarrassment, there was a thick crowd of people milling out in the hall, including his father and Ben. Mara shoved her way between them, dragging him along by the collar. But the red-haired assassin was pulling him too quickly and his boot slid out from beneath him. Luke lost his balance and fell on top of his father.

"Luke!" Vader scolded as he caught his son in his arms. "What are you doing wearing MY clothes?"

"Ummm… it seemed like a good idea at the time." Luke tried to back away from his father, but the Sith Lord had him in his grip and wasn't letting go so easily. Nervously, he smiled up at his father's black breath mask. "You shouldn't have locked me in a closet!"

An arm came loose and dropped down over Luke's hand, the sleeve dangling past his knees.

Vader grimaced under his mask. "Son, my armor is not a costume. I need it to survive. Do you understand that?"

Luke nodded, ashamed of his recent actions. He could feel every eye on him and redness crept up into his face. He wanted to go crawl under some rock and disappear. How could he have done these stupid, crazy things? Running around in his father's clothes, singing on the intercom, cutting a hole in the wall? "I guess I wasn't thinking."

"Someday, Son, I will show you what I look like under this mask and you'll understand why I need to wear the armor." Vader explained seriously, still clinging to Luke. He paused for a moment, and then continued. "If you wish to date, Son, you need to be mature. With dating comes responsibility. Are you ready to take on such responsibility? Nor do I approve of what you did in the Auxiliary Control Room. It was dangerous. You could have been shot by the stormtroopers. And trust me, Luke; the 501st doesn't play around. They're the most deadly troopers in the Empire."

"I'm sorry, Father. I don't know what came over me." Luke admitted.

Vader's eyes swept over Padme and he knew exactly what had come over his son, knew it all too well. He just wished it had been someone other than Jade. The Sith Lord still feared she might try to kill the boy. "Luke, I'd like you to meet your mother, Padme."

"Mother?" Luke asked, startled at suddenly having a mother after all these years.

"Luke?" Padme couldn't believe her son was all grown up and she had missed it. And here he was, playing dress up in his father's clothes like a little boy. Well, maybe her son wasn't as grown up as he appeared after all. "I really missed you all those years, but now through a miracle we have a chance to get to know each other."

She hugged him tightly and the young Jedi was temporarily squashed between Vader and Padme. Luke's eyes bulged out as they hugged him too tightly and he gasped for air. Finally his mother released him and Luke collapsed to the hallway floor, breathing through his mouth.

"Luke! You really should take off you're father's armor before you seriously hurt yourself!" Padme remarked, worried. "Those clothes are way too big for you!"

"But…" Luke protested. "That's not why I fell!"

"Just look at that pant leg!" Padme pointed out. "I can't even see your boot! That's an accident waiting to happen and it looks like you already had one! Do you want to break an arm or leg?"

"No…"

"Besides, you'll ruin your father's clothing!" Padme continued, warming up to the subject. If there was one thing she loved, it was clothes. Besides, she had to make up for all the years she had been dead and she might as well start mothering him now, before he ran off with that red-haired woman. "That's fine Corinthian leather on that armor, you know. Do you have any idea how much that costs?"

"But…"

"No buts about it, Luke!" Padme waggled a finger at her son. "Do you know what would happen if you got that cape caught in the doors to a turbolift? You'd be killed, that's what! Now if you want to dress like your father, that's fine. But you'll need a cloak the proper size, one that doesn't drag several feet behind you on the floor!"

"Hey!" Luke shouted, insulted. "I'm not THAT much shorter!"

Padme motioned to her husband and Vader effortlessly pulled Luke to his feet. Once he was standing, Padme shoved him in the direction of the Control room. "Now you go in there and take that armor off! You do that and you can go on your date then."

"But…" Luke protested, but his mother refused to listen. He was shoved into the Auxiliary Control Room again and the door slid shut behind him. He thought of what he was wearing under the armor and frowned. He had had a very difficult time getting the armor on and well, he had maybe removed a few pieces of clothing he shouldn't have. Sure, he hadn't been thinking at te moment or not very clear anyway. Mara had been on his brain. Now he was going to pay for it major!

"I can't go out there in my polka dotted underwear!"


	24. The BrainEating Aliens

Author's Note: Sorry the last chapter was so short; I'll try to make this one longer (providing the thunderstorms stay away!)

Chapter 24: The Brain-Eating Aliens

Luke sighed loudly, wishing he could just sink into the floor and disappear. He couldn't face his parents in his underwear and besides Mara was out there! She'd see him and then he'd die of embarrassment! And what if she started laughing? It would be horrible! If that happened, he'd know he'd never be able to face her again. But could he be mistaken? Maybe he DID have his Jedi clothes on under the armor and he had just forgotten about them. That was possible with so many things going on in such a short time. It was making his brain all fuddled.

And a Jedi with a fuddled brain was a very bad thing.

"No wonder the Jedi Council forbids us to date. We're all a bunch of idiots the moment we see a pretty girl!" Knowing he couldn't put it off any longer, Luke started removing the armor. He wiggled and squirmed and shoved at it. By the time he was done, he stood shivering in the Auxiliary Control Room in his underwear. He glanced down at himself and gasped in horror. He had been sure he had been wearing the usual purple-and-pink polka dotted underwear, but he wasn't. No, it was much worse than that! "Noooooo! Why did I have to put these on today! I'll be the laughing stock of the entire ship!"

Tiny X-wings zoomed through space and shot red laser beams at the Death Star on his underwear. The super battle station had a prominent location on the rear, the only spot big enough for the weapon, while the X-wings were everywhere else.

Luke groaned and sunk to the floor. He wrapped his arms around his legs and shivered. How was he going to get out of this? His blue eyes landed on the fine cotton cape that was attached to the armor. Thinking he could use it to cover himself up, Luke reached for it. He held the large piece of black material up before his eyes, thinking. The Jedi knew it would still be too long and he'd be tripping over it and he didn't dare try trimming it with his lightsaber. No, his father would kill him if he did that, especially with the other things he had done today. But perhaps there was some way to adjust the material so it was shorter? He spotted the belt lying on the ground and grinned. Yes, it would do just fine!

The doors to Auxiliary Control opened and Luke stepped out. He was dressed in a black toga that left one shoulder and arm bare. The other hand and arm was lost somewhere under the material and if he wanted to use it, the entire toga would lift, exposing his bare legs and Death Star underwear. He hoped he could remember not to use that arm, but it would be extremely hard. Everyone was staring at him and he was convinced several were trying not to laugh. "I seem to have misplaced my clothes."

Mace busted out laughing and Obi-Wan chuckled.

Vader smiled under his mask. "I am just glad, Son, that you didn't cut another hole in the wall. Or the floor."

"Come on, Toga-Boy!" Mara reached forward and gripped Luke's free wrist in a tight grip and yanked him forward. "We're going on our date now and no more excuses!"

With a bewildered expression on his face, he was pulled down the hallway towards the Officer's Lounge. On the way, they passed a unit of stormtroopers marching in perfect synchronization. The troopers out in front were so shocked at Luke's odd style of dress that they forgot to watch where they were going and collided into a closed blast door. The others fell over the ones in front until there was a huge pile-up that totally blocked the hallway. Luke twisted his head around, staring at the big pile of stormtroopers. "I wonder what caused that to happen? Do you think Han was playing with grease again?"

Mara rolled her eyes and muttered the first lie that popped into her head. If he didn't know what caused the accident, she was going to break the news to him. "They're testing the blast doors."

"Really?" Luke craned his neck out farther in an attempt to see what the troopers were doing, but Mara pulled him around a corner. "Oh heck! I wanted to watch what they were going to do!"

"It's routine." Mara commented, wishing they could be in the Officer's Lounge already before Skywalker caused more havoc with Executor's crew.

A man hurried past them carrying a tray over-flowing with food. His startled eyes spotted Luke wearing the black toga and he tripped over his own two feet, the food flying through the air.

"MY LUNCH!" Luke shouted as he reached for the food with the Force, managing to catch it all. The food floated in the air and the young Jedi calmly plucked a bantha burger from the nothingness that held it and jammed it into his mouth. He closed his blue eyes, chewing. Both hands were wrapped around the sandwich and he signed in contentment. Of course, he had forgotten about not using the one arm, so his underwear was showing along with a pair of bony knees.

"Hey! You can't eat that!" The crewmember shouted as he hurried to his feet. "That's Lord Vader's lunch!"

"No, it's not. It's mine." Luke sputtered, bits of chewed bantha flying onto the crewmember. "I ordered it, remember?"

"I never saw you before in my life!" The crewmember shouted with fright. It was obvious this man was some evil wizard that had gotten onto the ship, perhaps using those magic powers. How else could food float in the air like that? It was clear the guy wasn't human at all. And the red-haired woman was clearly a witch! He had wondered why the Red Alert had been blaring a while ago and now he knew! Then his blood ran ice cold as he remembered something he had read in his roommate's magazine, something about brain eating aliens! Brain eating aliens or not, he HAD to get Lord Vader's lunch back before the space-creature ate it all! Vader would be sure to strangle him to death if he didn't. He reached for the Sand Sloth ribs that floated in the air and wrapped his fingers around the greasy, sauce-covered meat.

"Hey! Let go of my ribs!" Luke shouted as he jammed the last of the burger into his mouth. He grabbed the other end of the ribs and pulled. The crewmember pulled back, kicking at Luke's bare legs.

"These are Lord Vader's ribs, you brain-eating alien!" the crewmember cried.

Mara Jade backed out of the way and watched the two men fight, a humorous expression on her face. So far Skywalker was doing OK and didn't require any help.

The crewmember's hands slipped off the greasy ribs and he fell to the floor with a loud thud. He scrambled over onto his hands and knees, forcing himself to his feet. The barbeque sauce left a long red stain on the white floor, but the crewmember didn't notice. He hurried over to a nearby wall intercom and pressed the button. "HELP! There's a brain-eating alien here! It's eating Lord Vader's ribs! Send stormtroopers! HURRY!"

After sending the message, the crewmember fainted from horror, one hand making a loud streaking sound as it slid down the wall's surface.

Luke finished the ribs and tossed the bones onto the floor, not noticing that they landed near the red smear on the floor. Realizing his hands were dirty with sauce and not wanting to wipe them on his father's black cape, he walked over to the wall and rubbed his hands there, leaving long red smudges that looked an awful lot like blood. Next he picked up the tray and collected the gallon of blue milk, the bantha burgers and fries. Then he followed Mara into the nearby Officer's Lounge.

...

Chaos ruled on the bridge.

"There are BRAIN-EATING ALIENS on board the ship!" shouted the Commander, who was still in charge of Executor's bridge. "They're eating Lord Vader! DO SOMETHING!"

"Send out the stormtroopers!" Another bridge officer shouted.

"Lock the bridge doors so they can't eat us!" The helmsman cried in panic.

"Somebody call Sickbay and have the Doctor go out to put Vader's ribs back in his body! I'm pretty sure he has artificial ones, doesn't he?" Another crewmember offered.

"Of course he doesn't have FAKE ribs!" The Second Commander shouted, annoyed. "It's obvious it's his BRAIN that's fake! Use your own brain, man! These are BRAIN-EATING aliens! They eat BRAINS! But since he has a fake brain, they ate his ribs instead!"

"Ohhhhh, I get it now!" the crewmember nodded his head in understanding. "They wouldn't eat fake ribs!"

"Everyone shut up!" The Commander shouted and the bridge fell silent. "We can't panic or these brain-eating aliens will win! Now since Admiral Piett isn't here, that means I'm still in charge. So let's handle this logically and go by the book. Sound the Red Alert! Call Piett to the bridge! And send out the Stormtroopers to look for the Brain-Eating Aliens! And someone send the Medics to go pick up Lord Vader and take him to Sickbay!"

The Communications Officer did as the Commander said and the word went out.

...

Han opened the closet door and peered out. It had been quite for some time and he was pretty sure it was safe to come out. The smuggler peered up and down the long empty hall, not a single sole in sight. He motioned to Shmi with an arm. "Come on, it's safe to come out."

"Are you sure?" She asked, uncertain.

"Of course I am." Han reassured her. He was itching to go see what had happened to Luke, but for the moment he had to watch Vader's mother. Thing is, he really wasn't too sure what to do with her. Should he take her to Vader? Probably, but where was that Sith Lord anyway? Then again, it would be nice to have someone helping him bake those nice poison cakes.

Shmi moved out of the supply closet and joined Han in the hall. The intercom clicked a few times and she glanced up at it.

"ATTENTION! This is the Commander speaking! The ship is infested with BRAIN-EATING ALIENS! Please arm yourselves! Thank you for your attention and have a nice day! Bridge out."

"Brain-eating aliens?" Han muttered, frowning. "That's the most stupid thing I ever heard in my life! That's just an old story people like to blab about in pulp magazines!"

Shmi looked fearfully up and down the hallway, convinced some horrid monster would jump out at them any second. "Oh, what if one of those horrid things gets my poor Ani?"

"Look, Vader … I mean, Ani can take care of himself. Trust me." Han reassured her. It was the stormtroopers he was worried about. With this new scare going through the ship, the troopers would be running around in a panic. And if he was going to protect Shmi, he needed to think up some scheme. He went back to the supply closet and took a fast inventory. There was an old, torn janitor's one-piece uniform, various cleaning supplies, and lots of junk. Han grinned as a plan formed in his mind. If they were convinced there was a brain-eating alien running around, why, he'd give them one to look for! Plucking the dirty uniform off the hanger, he tossed it onto the floor.

"What are you doing?" Shmi asked as she watched him pull a big jug out of the closet.

"Creating a diversion. Stand back." Han replied as he uncorked the jug and poured the deep blue liquid onto the dirty uniform. The thick cleaning liquid oozed all over the floor, forming a big puddle. Then Han took a second smaller jug that contained some red liquid and added that to the blue stuff. The smell from the two juices was strong enough to make his eyes water, just the effect he wanted. He tossed the two empty jugs into a garbage slot on a nearby wall and closed the closet door. Gripping Shmi's hand, Han guided her down the hallway. Before long, a unit of stormtroopers met them.

"OOOOOOH, poor Charlie!" Han wailed loudly, his eyes still watering as he rushed forward at a trooper, clinging to the white armor. "Poor Charlie! It was a Brain-Eating Alien! It got him and I shot at it, but ooooohhh the horror! It has acid for blood! And when I blasted the alien, its blood went all over Charlie's body and MELTED him into some goop! Then the alien itself melted away!"

"Don't worry. We'll handle it from here." The stormtrooper told Han. "Trooper 4538650647235 will take you to safety. The rest, follow me!"

Han secretly grinned as he followed trooper 4538650647235 down the hallway, Shmi at his side. The troopers were no longer interested in them but the dangerous aliens.

...

The stormtroopers that had talked to Han discovered the spreading puddle, gray smoke rising from it. The lead trooper went to the wall intercom and called the bridge. "Trooper 7742227640293 here in Corridor 33, Section 45, Block D. Reporting one fatality due to the Brain-Eating Aliens. Maintenance Personnel, number unknown. Request Hazards team be sent to this location immediately. The Aliens have acid for blood, repeat ACID FOR BLOOD. Someone shot an alien and it's melting the floor here."

"Affirmative. Will send Hazards team on the double. Good work, 7742227640293."

...

Darth Vader heard the announcement just when he reached the blocked corridor near Auxiliary Control Room. He had decided to follow his son to the Officer's Lounge and keep an eye on him while he was on his date. The others, Obi-Wan, Padme and Mace, were following him as well. But for some unknown reason, a gaggle of stormtroopers had fallen over into a big tangled pile and he couldn't get through.

"What is the problem here?" Lord Vader demanded as he stopped near the pile of troopers.

"Help!" one of the troopers gasped from within the pile somewhere.

"I'm trapped!" Another wheezed.

"Someone hexed us!" a third cried.

Just then the intercom clicked and came to life.

"ATTENTION! This is the Commander speaking! The ship is infested with BRAIN-EATING ALIENS! Please arm yourselves! Thank you for your attention and have a nice day! Bridge out."

Vader paused, the only sound being the loud rasp of his mechanical breathing. "Now what is going on?"

The stormtroopers heard the announcement and panic swept through their cloned bodies. BRAIN-EATING ALIENS on the Executor! Trapped in a pile like this, they would be easy targets! The pile heaved and moved and slid across the floor wildly as dozens of strong hands and feet moved quickly as one. Blaster rifles appeared from the tangle of bodies, pointing outward.

Vader watched as the pile of troopers moved around the blast door and traveled down the hallway, disappearing from sight.

"That was without doubt one of the weirdest things I've ever seen." Mace commented.

"What's that announcement about Brain-Eating Aliens about?" Padme asked as she glanced up at her husband's mask.

"I intend to find out." Vader moved to the wall intercom and pressed the button, signaling the bridge. "Vader here. What is this about Brain-Eating Aliens?"

"Who is this?" A voice demanded to know angrily. "How dare you impersonate Lord Vader!"

Vader stared at the intercom. "This IS Lord Vader! Who is this?"

"Commander Bick. And you can't possibly be Lord Vader because HE got ate by a Brain-Eating Alien!"

Vader stared at the intercom again, shocked. So, someone had started a rumor that he had gotten ate by a Brain-Eating Alien. He was sure his son was involved in this mess somehow, he was just unsure how. "And who told you I was ate by one of these fictional aliens?"

"A crewmember…wait a minute! How do I know YOU'RE not the Brain-Eating Alien?"

Vader fumed. This situation was unacceptable! His ship was falling apart around him and he needed to solve the problem quickly. "Brain-Eating Aliens do not exist. They are a fable left over from thousands upon thousands of years ago from before man encountered extraterrestrial species. Mankind feared aliens would be extremely hostile and the idea that they would eat brains originally appeared in an old-fashioned 2-D holovision. You know this is false and that such creatures do not truly exist."

Obi-Wan smiled at his former Padawan, pleased that he had remembered his Ancient History lessons after all these years. Anakin had never cared much for history, finding it too boring, so Obi-Wan was proud of him. "Good going, Anakin!"

"For someone claiming these things don't exist, you sure know a lot about them." Commander Bick said over the intercom, his voice unsure. "Besides, WE know they DO exist because the stormtroopers found a big puddle of BRAIN-EATING ALIEN BLOOD eating through the floor! So there!"

The intercom clicked off as Commander Bick hung up on Vader.

Mace rubbed his chin. "I wonder what those stormtroopers really found?"

"But what if we're wrong?" Padme stated, worried. "What if such creatures really DO exist and we just didn't know? The galaxy is so big with large areas unexplored. They may even possess strange powers we know nothing of."

"I think we should go investigate this puddle." Mace fingered his lightsaber; glad he had it back from that crazy Xizor. He would have used the Force to snatch it back from the deranged man, but that wouldn't have been safe. You had to be extra careful around deranged folk, never knowing what might set them off.

"How would these creatures get onto the ship?" Obi-Wan asked.

"Let us go check on Luke." Vader started down the corridor, his black cape majestically flowing behind him. The Officer's Lounge was right ahead anyway, so it wouldn't waste any time. "Then we'll deal with this alien issue."

....

Admiral Piett stood outside the Bridge. He couldn't get inside because the blast doors were down and sealed in place. So he pressed the intercom button and spoke into it. "This is Admiral Piett. Let me in."

"No," the reply came. "You're the Brain-Eating Alien trying to trick us again!"

"There is no such thing!" Admiral Piett huffed in frustration. "Now I demand you let me in!"

"No! Go away!"

"I will inform Lord Vader of your mutiny!" Admiral Piett warned, anger in his voice. "He won't be pleased."

"He was already eaten, as you very well know!"

"This is ridiculous!" Piett grumbled as he stalked away from the locked bridge. He would go seek out Lord Vader and inform him of the problem. Hopefully he wouldn't loose his life over this weird incident, but Commander Bick certainly would.

....

Luke sat in the Officers Lounge with Mara, a table full of food before him. The intercom in the Lounge happened to be broken and maintenance hadn't gotten around to repairing it yet, so the young Jedi hadn't heard the announcement about the Brain-Eating Aliens. He swallowed more blue milk and glanced towards the door. There seemed to be an awful lot of activity out in the hallway and the young Jedi wondered why. "I wonder what's going on out there? Seems like a lot of stormtroopers are on the move."

The red-haired assassin smiled at him, a twinkle in her emerald eyes. She had a very good idea what had stirred up the troopers. "Oh, it's probably just routine drills."

Luke glanced again at the door, and then went back to his food. Except for the two of them, the Officer's Lounge was empty.

Wearing only the thin black cape, Luke felt cold. On one side, he noticed, his entire bare leg stuck out when he sat on the bench at the table. He kept trying to close the gap with his free hand, but it was little use. The thing kept popping open and he worried Mara might be offended. Then again, he also worried she might be peeping at him when he wasn't looking. Truth be told, he knew very little about her. "Are you really an assassin?"

"Are you really a Jedi?" Mara countered.

"Well, I want to be a Jedi." Luke admitted as he reached for another fry with his free hand. He stuck it into his mouth and chewed, then twisted his face in disgust. The fry tasted lousy without catsup! Spying the catsup bottle across the room, Luke used the Force to bring it to their table. He gripped it with his one hand and tried to untwist the cap. He scrunched up his face in effort, his tongue protruding a bit from between his lips and his eyes closing. The cap was as solid as if it had been glued on and refused to move.

"Having problems with your toga?" Mara asked, a smile on her red lips.

"Yeah, it's not working out as well as I hoped." Luke admitted. He needed two hands to open the bottle but if he brought his other hand up….

"Here. Allow me." Mara took the bottle away from him and easily opened it. So far she hadn't thought of a single way to get Luke to join the Dark Side. But if Palpatine wanted sheer chaos, then Skywalker was his man. She still wasn't too sure how he had started the entire Brain-Eating Alien thing. "So Skywalker, where are your clothes?"

"Umm, I'm not sure." Luke admitted, his face turning as red as the catsup he poured onto his fries. "I guess either they're in that guy's quarters or they're stuck inside my father's armor. In some places the armor was a bit tight and I guess it could have clung to my clothes when I took the armor off."

The more Luke thought about it, the surer he became that was what had happened to his clothes.

"So, are you an assassin?" Luke asked again.

"Yes, does it bother you?" Mara stared into his blue eyes. She couldn't help but notice he had the most intense eyes she had ever seen and a little shiver went down her back. She felt almost as if he could see into her mind, which was just ridiculous! Only her Master could do that. But what had that shiver been? She dropped her gaze to the tabletop for a moment as she attempted to sort things out. She had never been one for romance or such foolish things as Love At First Sight. That sort of nonsense was for fools. People only thought they loved each other, what they really felt was a physical attraction. She doubted if she were attracted to Skywalker, so what else was possible? Maybe she was coming down with something?

"Not really, I guess. But I don't believe you're really bad." Luke informed her. "You're too beautiful to be bad."

Mara raised her emerald eyes again, risking another probe of the other's blue orbs. Once again his gaze was powerful and she could feel herself becoming lost in it. She blinked and the odd sensation vanished. She noted to herself that Skywalker wasn't entirely as innocent as he looked and definitely possessed some powers. "I only do as Palpatine commands me, for the good of the Empire. It's mostly criminal scum I go after anyway. They won't be missed much."

The door opened and Vader strolled in, relieved to find his son alive and well. He approached their table and stopped before it. The Sith Lord raised one black-gloved fist, a pair of rib bones in his hand. "Luke, do you know anything about these bones or the Brain-Eating Aliens on the Executor?"

To be continued…


	25. Luke

Chapter 25: Luke

The door opened and Vader strolled in, relieved to find his son alive and well. He approached their table and stopped before it. The Sith Lord raised one black-gloved fist, a pair of rib bones in his hand. "Luke, do you know anything about these bones or the Brain-Eating Aliens on the Executor?"

Luke's pale blue eyes opened wide and he stared up at his father in shock, leaping up from his seat at the table. "Brain-Eating Aliens?! There's Brain-Eating Aliens on the ship? Where? We better go blast them one before they eat us!"

Vader studied his son for a long moment, thinking. He was positive his son had started this entire mess somehow. "So you don't know anything about this?"

"No, of course not!" Luke replied, his eyes still as wide as saucers. "Why would you think I did? Mara and I were in here the entire ten minutes on our date. I noticed that there seemed to be a lot of activity out in the hall but I never suspected anything like this!"

Master Mace stepped forward. "Now think carefully, Son. You sure you didn't start this whole thing by accident now, did you?"

"I told you I didn't." Luke replied. "Why, I never even heard of Brain-Eating Aliens before. What do they look like?"

"No one knows." Mace replied as he rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Truthfully the Jedi Council never believed they existed, that they were just a myth from the ancient past from before man met other intelligent races. But we've received a report that they killed a crewmember and have acid for blood."

"They could be all around us!" Luke exclaimed loudly, reaching on his belt for his lightsaber. "Where are Han and Leia? I better go find them before the aliens eat their brains!"

Stuffing the three remaining bantha burgers into his black toga, Luke picked up the gallon of blue milk and headed for the door. He had almost reached it when his father gripped his wrist and stopped him. Vader still held the rib bones in his black-gloved hand and now he waved them in front of his son's face. "And what of these, Luke?"

Luke eyed the bones, a horrified look on his young face. He had already forgotten the barbecued ribs he had eaten a short time out in the hallway, the more exciting news of the dangerous aliens filling his mind to full capacity. "How can you just hold someone's ribs like that? Eeewwwwww!"

Darth Vader, Mace, Obi-Wan, Padme and Jade stared at him.

"What would you prefer I do with them?" Vader asked, curious as to what his simple-minded son would say.

"Throw them back wherever you found them!" Luke twisted his face away from the pair of curved rib bones, shutting his eyes tightly.

"I found them out in the hall, just outside this room. There are red stains and streaks on the floor and wall. They have not been analyzed yet, but they appear to be blood." Vader fumed inside his black breath mask, frustrated with the boy and his inability to get anywhere. Ever since he had taken Luke to live with him things had been going wrong. Although Luke denied it, Vader still believed he was involved. The problem is, the Sith Lord couldn't think how or why. Yet it was his duty to get to the bottom of the situation and to do it as quickly as possible. "Luke, I need you to look at these bones and tell me if you ever saw them before."

"Now Son, if you want to be a Jedi you can't be squeamish." Mace offered, a gentle hand on Luke's shoulder. "They're just bones. They can't hurt you any. So just open your eyes and take a good look at them. And think carefully before you answer."

Fearfully, Luke opened one eye and peered at the bones cautiously. There were two of them, long and curved. It was obvious something had gnawed most of the flesh from them, but little red bits still existed. The idea that a short time ago they had been incased inside someone's chest was more than he could stand. Luke's stomach started to churn wildly and he felt sick. And what made it even sicker was how his father was just holding them like that, like they were just … bones!

"Luke?" Vader asked, still waiting for a reply. "Do they look familiar to you? Please, I need an answer."

"I …" Luke started, forcing his other eye open through sheer will power. Focusing both eyes on the bones, Luke gulped noisily, his hands tightening around the handles of his milk jug and lightsaber. "I…"

"Yes?" Mace prompted, moving closer. "It's all right. Just let it out."

"I … I'm going to be sick!" Luke's stomach roiled like a cement mixer and he promptly threw-up all over Mace's boots.

A sour expression on his dark-skinned face, Mace stared down at his soiled boots. "That wasn't exactly what I meant."

"Oh! I'm sorry!" Luke cried.

"Now why does that sound so familiar?" Mace remarked dryly as he shifted his gaze onto Vader.

Dr. Leonard McCoy glared at the wall com in his office. "What's this foolish announcement about Brain-Eating Aliens all about? Everyone knows that's a lot of pockycock. What are you morons trying to do, induce mass hysteria?"

"Doctor! Please report to Section G, Block A and put Lord Vader's ribs back in his body!"

McCoy thumbed the switch to reply. "WHAT?!"

"One of the Aliens ate Lord Vader!"

"Who is this?" McCoy asked, certain it couldn't really be a bridge officer he was talking to. "Is this the bridge?"

"This is the Bridge."

"When I get up there, you're all being relieved of command!" Dr. McCoy hit the wall switch again, flipping the com off. Picking up his little black bag and medical tricorder, he left his office and entered main Sickbay. For unknown reasons, Yoda was still sitting on the floor there, deep in meditation. Bones walked around him and headed out into the hall. "Brain-Eating Aliens, indeed! People up there probably can't even operate a toaster nether less run a ship."

Grumbling, McCoy hurried down the long hallway towards Section G, Block A.

Almost immediately after McCoy left Sickbay a squadron of stormtroopers entered, their blaster riffles ready to shoot anything that moved. The one in the lead, number 3847659037 – 38 for short, stopped in midstep when he spotted Yoda meditating on the floor. The trooper right behind him collided into 38 and knocked him over. The blaster riffle flew out of 38's hands and skidded across the floor but the worst thing was that 38 landed right in front of the Jedi Master, his helmeted head only inches from the tiny alien's green hands.

"Is … is that one of the Brain-Eating Aliens?" trooper 74 asked, fear in his voice.

"Could be…" 95 replied, unsure. "Never seen anything like that thing before."

"What should I do? It's right in front of me!" 38 wailed in panic, his eyes bulging out of his sockets. He was so close that he could see its long black nails and the pebbly texture of its skin.

"Don't move!" 95 replied. "It looks part reptilian to me. I once read that reptiles respond to movement. If we all stand still it can't see us!"

"But I want to get AWAY from it!" 38 protested, his heart beating wildly in his chest and sweat trickling down his forehead into his eyes. "It eats brains and my head is like inches away from its ravenous maw!"

"Shut up, 38!" 74 piped in, a note of hysteria in his voice. "You'll wake it up!"

"But why can't I just inch away slowly?" 38 asked, desperate to get away from the horrid green creature.

"Because!" 95 spoke with in an official-sounding tone he had copied from listening to the gray-wearing officers. "If you move you'll get us all killed! Look at those giant ears! They can hear EVERYTHING! Reptiles can move with lightning-fast speed. Before you know it, it'll have you half swallowed!"

Trooper 74 nodded in agreement. "That thing is definitely a reptile."

A few moments passed, no one moving.

Yoda continued to meditate, unaware of the conversation going on about him.

"How long do we have to stand here?" Trooper 74 finally asked in a whisper.

"Until it goes away." Trooper 95 explained matter-of-factly. "I tell you it responds to movement. We're just lucky it didn't see us when we came in or we'd have been goners."

"We should call for backup, report its location." 38 uttered from his location on the floor.

"Well, I'm not going to move and wake it up!" 74 couldn't take his eyes off the creature. It was just so .. so .. GREEN!

"Me either!" 95 said, glaring at 38. "You better get with the program, 38! Look at the mess you got us into! Stuck in a room with a Brain-Eating Alien and it's GREEN!"

"Well, I'm the one that's trapped right in front of it!" complained 38, wishing he had gone with 62 and 88 into the room next door instead of into this one. "Why don't one of you blast it?"

"Because if we move our blasters it'll wake up!" 95 exclaimed, rolling his eyes inside his stormtrooper helmet.

"Ummm … I have to go to the bathroom." 74 admitted.

"That's too bad." 95 replied as he continued to stand perfectly still. "You'll just have to hold it."

"For how long?" Trooper 74 asked, worried. "My bladder is killing me!"

"Until it goes away."

"But when will that be?"

"Can't you see it's digesting its last meal?" Annoyed with all the questions, 95 struggled to control his temper. Didn't they realize their very lives were at stake? "Either when it gets hungry again or when the sun goes down. Reptiles go crawl under rocks at night. Don't know what this one will do though. Maybe it'll think you're a rock, 38, and crawl underneath your body to keep warm."

At that news, 38 started wailing as loud as a siren.

In his private room in Sickbay, Palpatine was woken from a deep slumber by a terrible screeching. The Emperor rubbed his sleep-filled eyes and sat up in bed. McCoy had fixed the leg that Leia had broken with a chair and afterwards he had fallen asleep. "What is that horrible sound?"

He waited several minutes for the noise to stop, but it just seemed to be going on and on. Annoyed, Palpatine slowly eased himself out of bed. Once his bare feet were on the floor, he carefully stood up and tested the injured limb. To his satisfaction it held his weight just fine. Picking up his cane, he slowly made his way to the door. The sound seemed to be coming from the other side…

"Look!" 74 screeched in terror when he saw Palpatine appear from behind a door. "It's some dried-up THING!"

Without his usual dark robes, the stormtroopers didn't recognize their Emperor. In fact, these particular troopers came from a small distant world and really had no idea of who the Emperor was at all. Dressed in the skimpy tunic that patients wore while in Sickbay, the Emperor looked quite different than his normal royal fear-inspiring appearance. But being a Master Sith, he still had the usual fear-inducing affect on those who weren't used to it. And being already out of their minds from the Brain-Eating Alien, Palpatine's affect wasn't the best thing for them at all. In fact, it was the worst thing possible.

"It's an undead creature!" Trooper 95 shouted quickly as he took in the Emperor's badly wrinkled and decayed skin. "The Brain-Eating Alien must have ate him and now it re-animated his corpse!"

"What is going on here?" Palpatine demanded, one pale bony hand raised and pointing at the troopers. "What is this nonsense about Brain-Eating Aliens and undead creatures? Where are these creatures?"

"YOU"RE THE UNDEAD CREATURE!" Trooper 95 bravely shouted.

"How dare you call me that! I'm your Emperor! Now you will pay for your lack of respect!" Palpatine let his Sith Lightning fly, the bluish-white bolts hitting trooper 95 on his chest armor. The power of the bolts picked 95 up and flung him backward, striking 74 who stood right behind him. Both were flung back out Sickbay's doorway into the corridor. They landed with a loud rattle of armor that sounded just like a dozen metal trashcans striking each other. Without wasting a second, both scrambled to their feet and dashed screaming down the hallway.

Left alone with the Brain-Eating Alien and the Undead Creature, Trooper 38 whimpered from his spot on the floor.

Cackling evilly, Palpatine returned to his private room.

Darth Vader, Luke, Padme, Obi-Wan, Mace and Jade were still in the Officer's Lounge.

"I say we go check out that murder site." Master Mace said to the others as he wiped the vomit from his boots. "The one where the Brain-Eating Alien was killed and leaked acid blood onto the floor."

"Wait a minute! No one said anything about these things having acid for blood!" Luke cried, his startled gaze going from one Jedi to the other. "How are we supposed to fight something like that?"

"I did inform you, Son, when I first came in." Vader said, his mechanical breathing loud in the room.

"No you didn't!" Luke answered wildly, panic in his voice. His stomach had settled down in the few minutes that had passed since he had thrown up and now he felt better. "I have to find Han and Leia! What if they shoot at one of these things without knowing? They could be killed!"

"We must remain calm." Vader reminded him.

"Calm?! How can we remain calm when monsters are eating people! We could be next!" Luke shouted as he once again tried dashing out the door.

This time it was Obi-Wan that stopped him. "Anakin is right. We need a plan. It's not wise rushing blindly into unknown situations."

"But Han and Leia…" Luke started to protest, but an angry glare from his father shut him up.

"We do not know that these creatures even exist." Vader pointed out.

"But you just said that they do!" Luke whined, frustrated.

"You have not been listening to what I've been saying, Luke." Vader shook a gloved fist at his over-eager son. "You best learn to listen! The original report of the Brain-Eating Alien came from this area, this section of the ship. I arrived here and found these bones on the floor, the red stains in the hall. I was concerned for your safety, but Jade was with you. I wish to know what you've seen so I can determine if these creatures truly exist."

"But they HAVE to exist!" Luke pointed at the disgusting bones Vader still held in one hand. "If they don't, how do you explain those?"

"And what about that acid on the floor?" Mace reminded Vader, the Jedi Master itching to go examine the scene of the crime.

"Yeah! What about that?" Luke looked anxiously at the door. "Come on! I want to go blast those Aliens! Maybe Han and Leia can protect themselves, but what about Grandmother?"

An ice-cold fear gripped Vader's heart. With his mother on the ship, he couldn't take chances. The debate of whether these creatures existed or not would have to continue on the way towards the next crime scene; interrogating Luke was getting him nowhere.

They exited the Officer's Lounge and once out in the hall realized the intercom was calling for Lord Vader.

"Yes? This is Lord Vader."

"This is Trooper 9597293745! Like to report that a Brain-Eating Alien was spotted in Sickbay! An Undead Creature accompanied it! Repeat Brain-Eating Alien and Undead Creature spotted in Sickbay!"

The Dark Lord of the Sith stared at the intercom and said nothing. Undead Creatures? What in the Force was the galaxy coming to these days?

To be continued…


	26. Undead Creatures

Author's Note: For those who didn't read the message on Penpals, the reason I wasn't updating my stories for a while was that my cat died and I didn't feel like writing. But I'm back on working on my fics now.

Chapter 26: Undead Creature

Darth Vader stared at the intercom, his mind freezing up like an over-loaded computer. Surely the stormtrooper hadn't just said UNDEAD CREATURE, did he? He breathed loudly for a few moments, and then punched the com switch. "Did you say 'undead creature'?"

"Yes Sir! I saw it myself, Sir! It even attacked 74 and me but we managed to escape. It and the Brain-Eating Alien are holding another trooper as a hostage! What do you want us to do, My Lord?"

"Make sure it doesn't escape. I will deal with this personally."

"Yes Sir!" The trooper replied.

Vader clicked the com off and turned to regard his companions. The Emperor was in Sickbay, a fact which the trooper no doubt knew nothing of and he had to see to Palpatine's safety. Not that the Sith Lord believed undead creatures actually existed, but it was clear the trooper had seen something and the thing had attacked him. Reaching out through his bond with Palpatine, he was reassured by the fact that his Master seemed to be OK. Of course, being a Master Sith the deceivingly harmless looking old man was well armed. If the so-called creatures attacked Palpatine they would be sorry. Still, he should go there as quickly as possible.

"We will go to Sickbay." Vader informed the others. "There are reports of a Brain-Eating Alien and an Undead Creature being located there."

"An undead creature!" Luke's blue eyes grew so wide his father feared they might fall out of their sockets. "How do you kill one of those?"

"Luke, I'm sure such a creature does not exist." Vader informed his son as he started down the long corridor towards Sickbay, his black cape flowing behind him. Things on his ship were getting more and more out of control.

Just then the ship-wide intercom clicked on and the commander on the Bridge made another announcement.

"THIS IS THE BRIDGE. I HAVE JUST BEEN INFORMED THERE IS AN UNDEAD CREATURE ON THE SHIP. THERE MAY BE MORE. PLEASE BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR MORE UNDEAD CREATURES. TAKE WHATEVER PRECAUTIONS YOU FEEL ARE NECESSARY. THE BRAIN-EATING ALIENS ARE STILL ABOARD. ARM YOURSELVES! BRIDGE OUT!"

"Nice, really nice." Mace commented as he followed the Sith Lord. "Now we're going to have a real panic to deal with!"

"The stormtroopers are trained to deal with these situations." Vader hoped he was right. And where was his mother in all this confusion?

On a different part of the ship Han and Shmi paused in the hallway to listen to the announcement, along with the Trooper 69 that was supposed to be their escort. The trooper had been acting paranoid before from the Brain-Eating Alien threat, now he was going full out bananas. The slightest sound was making him practically leap out of his armor and aim his blaster riffle in odd directions.

"Undead creatures? Oh, how could such a nasty thing get onboard?" Shmi asked, frightened.

"There is no such thing. I've been from one end of this galaxy to the other and I never saw any undead creatures. Trust me, once a thing dies it stays dead." Han replied, and then remembered who he was talking to.

"But I was…" Shmi started to say but Han cut her off.

"Look, that's not a very good idea with happy trigger-finger here." Han glared at the jumpy stormtrooper and gripped the tip of his blaster riffle, roughly shoving the tip towards the ground. "Will you be more careful with that? Look, just take us to the shuttle bay, all right? I'm sure there are no Undead Creatures or Brain-Eating Aliens lurking in there, just shuttles."

"Yes, Sir." Trooper 69 led the way to the shuttle bay. On the way he blasted three air vents, two garbage shoots and the ceiling once for unknown reasons. This, of course, set the klaxon off wailing and red lights started flashing all over Executor as the ship went onto Red Alert.

"Oh great! Now look what you did!" Han fumed as the ear-splitting siren wailed in his ears. "You're going to have everyone shooting at us!"

"But I saw EYES looking at us, watching us!" Trooper 69 exclaimed, letting several blasts of red laser fire melt a nearby door control. Then he ran, tumbled across the floor and opened fire on a nearby Men's Room. Screaming could be heard from within as a partly armored trooper stumbled out, his pants only partway up. He tripped and fell on the floor. Then 69 leaped into the bathroom with a loud shriek and started blowing up all the toilets.

"Lets get out of here before he starts shooting at us!" Han gripped Shmi's wrist and they ran into the nearby shuttle bay. Picking out the nearest Imperial Shuttle, Han led her aboard and he started up the engine. The safest place for Shmi was down on Coruscant, in Vader's palace. And Chewie would make a formable opponent and bodyguard. The shuttle lifted smoothly off the floor and flew out into space. Within moments it was heading down through the atmosphere towards downtown Coruscant. Spotting Vader's palace, Han eased the ship onto a landing platform near the Falcon. Opening the ramp, he led Shmi outside. "Well, this is where your son lives. He owns this whole big building."

"Ani owns all this?" she asked, dumbfounded.

"Hey, they don't call him Lord Vader for nothing you know. He's the second richest guy in the galaxy." Han explained, and then pointed at the Falcon. "That's my ship, the Millennium Falcon. She's the fastest ship in the entire galaxy!"

"Everything is so big!" Shmi stated, shocked at seeing Coruscant for the first time. The buildings, the traffic, and the noise… it was all so overwhelming! "I can't believe I'm really here. I had dreamed of being with Ani for so many years, of seeing him and knowing he's OK, but I never thought…"

"Hey, you want to help me bake some cakes?" Han asked. When Shmi nodded yes, he led her up the ramp into the Falcon.

Back on Executor, McCoy had finally found Lord Vader and now the Doctor was glaring at him with blue eyes. "What's all these nonsense about Brain-Eating Aliens and Undead Creatures? It's the biggest bull story I ever heard and believe me I heard some real whoppers in my day. This baloney is going to incite a full blown panic!"

"Is my Mother still in Sickbay?" Darth Vader asked, concerned for her safety. He had sent Admiral Piett looking for her but as of yet he hadn't heard back from him. With the state of things on the ship, it might be some time before all his guests were found and rounded up. That is, if the stormtroopers didn't shoot them.

Dr. McCoy thought for a moment, and then shook his head. "No, she left with all those other people. The only one that stayed was that little green fellow. And the Emperor is in his private room sleeping."

"I have been informed that a Brain-Eating Alien and an Undead Creature are holding a stormtrooper hostage in Sickbay." Lord Vader informed the Doctor.

"Why, that's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard!" Bones exclaimed loudly as he grew hotheaded. "No one better be messing with my Sickbay! I just got the place cleaned up and organized the way I want it!"

Vader held up the two rib bones that he still clutched in one hand. "Can you identify these for us, Doctor?"

McCoy took the bones and carefully examined them, eyeing the teeth marks with experienced eyes. "Yeah, I can identify them all right. What do you want to know about them?"

"Are they from a murder victim, Doctor?" Master Mace asked as he moved closer to the Doctor. In fact, they all moved closer to McCoy, eager to hear his analysis of the priceless bones. "Did a crewmember get ate by the Brain-Eating Alien?"

The Doctor eyed Mace, wondering if the baldheaded man was serious. "Look, I had enough of this claptrap. Some joker on the bridge that isn't even out of his diapers yet calls me on the horn and he tells me that a Brain-Eating Alien has killed YOU! Then I get over here and now you're showing me bones from a barbequed rib roast! These are HUMAN teeth marks. Why, any idiot can tell by looking at these bones they didn't come out of a human chest! The shape and length is all wrong."

"Cooked ribs…" Vader repeated, then turned to stare at Luke.

In fact, everyone was staring at Luke now.

"Why is everyone staring at me for?" Luke asked, suddenly not liking all of the attention. At McCoy's mention of barbecued ribs, a little memory had resurfaced in Luke's head and he was pretty sure that's why everyone was looking at him now.

"You didn't eat any ribs now, did you?" Mace inquired, his hands on his hips.

"Ummm…maybe a few…" Luke sheepishly admitted, his face growing red in embarrassment.

"Son, you just threw up all over my boots when you looked at those bones! Are you telling me now that those are YOUR bones, from the ribs that YOU ate?" Mace asked, shocked.

"I forgot…" Luke admitted. He wished he could just sink through the floor and disappear, but even the Force couldn't make that happen. "Really! You just came in and started talking about Brain-Eating Aliens and I forgot all about those ribs! It was just so exciting and scary that I wanted to go blast some of them!"

Mace moaned loudly. "A Jedi doesn't seek adventure and excitement! We had the same exact problem with your father but HE never caused huge messes like this one!"

"But I didn't cause this mess!" Luke protested, sure they were going to try to pin the whole Brain-Eating Alien thing on him now. "Why, I don't even KNOW any Brain-Eating Aliens!"

Panicked, Luke dashed over to Obi-Wan and gripped the Jedi by his outer tabards. "Ben! Tell him I don't know ant Brain-Eating Aliens! You know I don't!"

Mace gripped his baldhead, moaning loudly.

"Luke, relax. I know you don't." Obi-Wan assured him, placing an arm around his shoulder and comforting him.

"By golly man, Brain-Eating Aliens don't exist!" McCoy shouted. "Someone's been filling this boy's head with poppycock! Now tell me son, who's been telling you these stories about Brain-Eating Aliens?"

Luke pointed a finger at the blinking lights on his father's chest plate.

Dr. McCoy glared at Vader. "I'll deal with you later! I have to go see who's messing with my Sickbay."

They all watched the Doctor march off, the bones still clutched in his hand. Then Mace turned to Luke again. "Luke, did you start this whole mess somehow?"

"No! Of course not! I just wanted to go out on a date with Mara."

"Master Jedi, if I may?" Padme stepped forward; confident a more calm and diplomatic approach would work on her son. All Mace was doing was upsetting him and that would get them nowhere. "Where did you get the cooked ribs from? Surely there were none in the Officer's Lounge."

"Oh, a guy brought them." Luke explained.

"A guy…what guy?" Mace asked eagerly, hoping that finally they'd get to the bottom of how this disaster had started. "Where's this guy now?"

"I don't know…"

"Well, what did he look like?"

"I don't know…"

"Well, what DO you know?"

"He didn't want to give me the food I ordered!" Luke suddenly exclaimed. Then he reached into his toga and pulled out one of the bantha burgers, offering it to Obi-Wan. "Do you want one?"

Obi-Wan turned slightly pale, thinking of where they had been and for how long. "No, no thank you."

Luke then settled down on the floor and started eating his burger.

"Luke," Darth Vader said, exasperation in his voice. "What are you doing?"

"I'm eating. What does it look like?" Luke uncapped the gallon jug of blue milk and took a big slug, milk dripping down his chin and neck to finally run down Vader's black cape.

"Son, this is no time to eat!" Mace shouted, loosing his famous Jedi calm. "We're in the middle of an investigation!"

"Yes and I thought you wanted to go kill Brain-Eating Aliens?" Vader added.

"But I'm hungry! And you ruined my last meal!" Luke accused his father through a mouthful of food. "Besides, I can't fight on an empty stomach…"

"And what about the guy?" Mace asked after he had counted to one hundred and had shoved his temper back down where it belonged.

"What guy?" Luke asked, staring up at Mace with a confused look.

"THE GUY THAT DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE YOU THE FOOD!!!" Mace screamed as loudly as he could while jumping up and down on the floor.

Frightened, Luke scrambled to his feet and hid behind Obi-Wan.

"Stop that cowering and get over here!" Mace ordered. He was determined to get an answer out of Luke if it was the last thing he did.

"No! I'm not coming out!" Luke cried from behind Obi-Wan.

"Fine! Then I'll come and get you!" Mace hurried forward and ran around Obi-Wan to grab Luke, but young Skywalker slammed the jug of blue milk on Mace's head. The jug burst open and milk poured all over the Jedi Master's head and clothes.

Realizing he was in even more trouble now, Luke raced down the hallway after McCoy.

To be continued…


	27. Princess Leia

Chapter 27: Leia

Luke raced down the hall. What in the galaxy had come over him to act that way, to throw milk at another person? Why, he had never done anything so crazy and disrespectful in his entire life! Sure, maybe he had sung on the intercom. That certainly was crazy but in a different way. Now he was going to be in deep trouble! Skidding around a corner and almost falling, Luke ran right into his sister. "Leia! Boy, am I glad to see you!"

"What's going ON, Luke?" Princess Leia asked, still rubbing sleep from her eyes. "I had gone to take a nap and when I woke up the whole ship had gone crazy! And I heard some weird announcement from the Bridge about aliens and some odd creature…have we been boarded?"

"I don't know. It's the Undead Creature and the Brain-Eating Aliens!" Luke glanced back down the long hallway, sensing his father was drawing closer. "Look, we have to get out of here! I'm in trouble, big trouble!"

Leia sighed. Her brother seemed to excel at getting himself in trouble. "What did you do this time? And what's an Undead Creature?"

"I'm not sure, but that baldheaded Jedi wants to blame this whole mess on me! He thinks I started it all when I didn't! All I wanted to do was go on a date with Mara…it's not fair! My date only lasted a measly ten minutes!" Luke nervously glanced around, and then spotted a turbolift at the end of the hall. Grabbing Leia around the wrist, he started hauling her towards the lift doors. "Come on! Let's get out of here before Father shows up with that grouchy guy!"

"But I don't understand…" Leia admitted as she massaged her forehead with the heel of her hand. "Why would the Jedi Master blame this on you? Unless…"

"Come on, come on! Open!" Luke slammed his fist onto the call button for the lift, bouncing up and down nervously on his feet. He glanced behind himself every few seconds, worried that the others would appear and catch them. "Unless what?"

The lift doors opened to reveal an empty car. Leia hurried inside and was quickly joined by her brother. "Unless the Jedi is angry you dated Mara. Didn't he tell you it was against the rules?"

"Yeah, he did say that." Luke admitted. Mace had even given him a big speech on how it was against the rules of the Jedi Order to date. "But I don't understand what my date with Mara has to do with this Brain-Eating Aliens stuff! And worse, Father believes I started it, too!"

"Do these Aliens really exist though?" Leia asked, confused herself and beginning to wish she had her blaster with her. "I mean, if these unknown Aliens are really on the ship somewhere we'd be a lot safer with Father and the others, not running around on our own."

"But we once took on a whole Death Star by ourselves!" Luke exclaimed, not wanting to believe what he was hearing. "Besides, I thought you didn't like our Father!"

"It's obvious SOMETHING has gone wrong on this ship, Luke, seriously wrong." Leia pointed out. Even inside the lift the Red Alert was flashing, the strobe-like affect bothering her eyes. After a while, the flashing lights could get very annoying. "And although it's tempting to say that the Master Jedi might arrange some little trick to dis-encourage you to date, I doubt if he's do something this huge. It interferes with the operation of Executor and Father wouldn't allow that. Besides, the Emperor is on board. But running away from this just makes you look guilty. You should go tell Father to his mask that you're not involved in this Alien business. And if you won't, I will."

"But I already told him!" Luke toyed with the lightsaber on his belt, running his fingers over the cool metal shaft. If by some chance some bizarre monster did appear, he'd slice it one! "He thinks I'm guilty because of the ribs I ate!"

Upon hearing this, Leia sighed loudly. It was another complicated mess like the poison cake incident, only more complex.

"You don't think I started this, do you Leia?" he asked her, fearful that she would blame him as well. "I hadn't meant to puke on the Jedi's boots or throw a jug of milk on his head…"

Leia groaned, closing her eyes and leaning her head back against the life wall. It was turning out to be a diplomatic nightmare!

"And Father first says that there's Brain-Eating Aliens on the ship, then he says their not real, then he acts like they ARE real, the next moment they're fake again and then he says its all my fault! I don't know what to believe and it's driving me crazy!" The lift stopped and the doors parted with a sigh. Luke peered out into the hallway, his lightsaber ready just in case. But the long white corridor appeared to be deserted. Stepping out, he motioned for Leia to follow him.

"Why are we on this deck for? Isn't the shuttle bay close by?" Leia followed her brother, not knowing what to think. She wrinkled her nose in disgust, and then quickly covered it with her hand. "Ooohh, what's that awful smell?"

Smoke or some type of mist hung in the air, the stuff making Luke's eyes sting and pinch. Bravely advancing one step at a time, he soon began to see more signs around him. Dark scoring marked the walls and floor, evidence that someone had been firing weapons. "The first report that Father received over the com was supposed to be from this area of the ship. He never got to check it out because a newer report came in from Sickbay."

"So you think we should investigate it?" Leia carefully followed her brother, her boots splashing in shallow water. As they passed a destroyed men's room door, water gushed out into the hall: the obvious cause of the flooding. "Look at all the damage! The stormtroopers must have been firing at something."

They walked further and Luke suddenly stopped, placing his arm out so Leia couldn't move past him. "Look at this! The whole floor is gone!"

Princess Leia knelt down and peered at the damaged floor. The edges of the metal were black and pockmarked with tiny holes. Also the stench around this particular spot was much stronger and had more of a chemical smell to it. "It looks like some kind of acid did this…"

"Father said the Brain-Eating Aliens have acid for blood!" Luke exclaimed excitedly. This was his first proof that the Aliens really existed now. "Father has to see this! Then he'll know this mess isn't my fault! Why, I bet I know how this started!"

Leia rose to her feet and carefully moved away from the edge of the whole. "How?"

"That Doctor brought all those dead people to life, right? Well, what if these Brain-Eating Aliens and Undead Creatures came with them? Why, I bet even that guy that's trying to blame this on me is one of them!" Luke hurried away from the damaged floor back the way they had come. "We have to find an intercom so we can tell Father!"

"Luke, wait!" Leia ran after her over-excited brother. "WHO is an Alien?"

"That black guy with the baldhead!"

"You mean the Jedi Master?" Leia's eyes widened in surprise and disbelief. "Luke, that can't be true!"

"It all makes perfect sense! You'll see!" Spotting a com on the wall, he rushed over to it and flipped it on. "Father!"

"Luke, I think we should discuss this first…" Leia cautioned, fearing her brother would get himself into even more trouble.

On a different part of Executor, Darth Vader had almost reached Sickbay. He was just one hall length away when he heard his son's voice coming out of the intercom. Going over to it, he turned it on. "Luke, where are you?"

"Father! The Brain-Eating Aliens are real! I saw the big hole they made in the floor here! You know, in that spot where one of the Brain-Eating Aliens died! They really DO have acid for blood! And there's carbon scoring EVERYWHERE! The troopers were really shooting at something!"

"Luke…" Vader started but his excited son cut him off.

"And I think he's one of them!"

"Who is one of what?" Vader asked, confused. Padme, Obi-Wan and Mace pushed close to the Sith Lord, eager to hear news. Only Mara Jade hung back, an amused expression on her face. The Emperor's Hand knew the truth but since the Sith Lord hadn't asked her, well, she wasn't going to tell him. Besides, the whole thing was quite amusing actually and it allowed her some time to think on how she could draw young Skywalker to the Dark Side.

"A Brain-Eating Alien! He's not human at all!" Luke's voice shouted from the intercom on the wall. "He'll try to eat your brain when you're not watching! That's why he's trying to push this all on me! Don't you see? You'll all be convinced I'm to blame and that'll give him free time to eat the stormtroopers!"

HO-PAH. HO-PAH. HO-PAH.

Darth Vader stared at the intercom, his emotions swirling around within him. Only his loud mechanical breathing could be heard. Finally he asked Luke the question they all wanted to know the answer to. "WHO is a Brain-Eating Alien?"

"MASTER MACE!"

"What?!" exclaimed Mace, outraged and shocked. He shoved his way to the intercom and angrily punched the button. "Now you listen here! I'm NOT a Brain-Eating Alien! I'm a respected member of the Jedi Council! And you, young one, are in trouble!"

Obi-Wan covered his mouth with a hand and snickered, but stopped when Mace glared at him.

"Son," Vader said into the com. "You must be mistaken. I have known Mace Windu almost my entire life. I assure you he IS a Jedi and perfectly human."

"Father," Leia's voice cut into the transmission. "The stormtroopers WERE shooting at something over here. There's blast marks everywhere."

"We will take that into consideration, but now we must get to Sickbay. We have been stalled enough the way it is. Watch over Luke and try to keep him out of trouble." Vader clicked the intercom off, and then continued down the hall towards his destination. A short time later he reached Sickbay and fearlessly passed through its doors. Just within the room a stormtrooper lay on the floor on his stomach, Master Yoda meditating close by.

Dr. McCoy hurried over to the Sith Lord, a grin on his face. Dressed in a short-sleeved blue medical tunic and black pants, he pointed a finger at Yoda. "Well, there's your so-called 'Brain-Eating Alien'! Guess the troopers never seen any one from his race before and with all the confusing announcements…"

"Trooper! On your feet!" Lord Vader ordered, putting a strong Force suggestion into it. The trooper immediately got up, his body trembling with fear. The Sith Lord pointed at the Jedi Master. "Is that the Brain-Eating Alien that was reported being in Sickbay?"

"Yes, Sir!" The Trooper replied. "My unit commander told me I couldn't move or it'll swallow me alive. It's part reptilian, Sir!"

"That is NOT a Brain-Eating Alien. It's the Jedi Master, Yoda." Vader informed him. His black mask peered around Sickbay, scanning all the likely hiding spots but saw nothing. "Where is this Undead Creature?"

"It's terrible, Sir!" the trooper replied, horror clear in his voice. "It suddenly appeared out of that room there. It had red glowing eyes and rotten skin, its legs all bony because the flesh had been gnawed off them from the Alien! And then it made this awful sound and lightning flew from its hands! After it attacked my two mates it disappeared back into that room! You best not go in there!"

Darth Vader realized the Undead Creature was none other than his Master, Palpatine. The Force Lightning was obviously what the trooper had witnessed. But if that was the case, then what had the other stormtroopers been shooting at? Waving his black-gloved hand in dismissal, Vader moved towards Palpatine's room. "I will deal with this 'creature'. You may go."

The trooper eagerly ran from Sickbay, no doubt to spread more rumors about the Undead Creature to all his friends.

It didn't occur to Lord Vader that someone – a very important someone – was missing from Sickbay. That someone was Prince Xizor. After the fanatical pill-addict had attacked Padme and stolen Mace's lightsaber, he had finally been apprehended and ordered to Sickbay. But the crafty Xizor had no wish to get strapped down to a diagnostic bed and held there. He and his armed escort had also heard the announcements over the intercom from the Bridge and Xizor's clever mind worked out an escape plan.

"Look, over there!" Prince Xizor cried as he pointed towards a vent near the ceiling. "I saw something watching us from in there! It was a moldy green and had long, oozing tentacles, a big glowing red eye in the center!"

"It's a Brain-Eating Alien!" One of the stormtroopers shouted, aiming his blaster riffle at the indicated vent. The next second he opened fire and the vent cover disintegrated into a billion flaming pieces. The other troopers joined in and soon the hallway was filled with the loud racket of weapons discharge. Smoke filled the air and confusion reigned.

"I think it went down that way!" Another trooper shouted and he started dashing down a connecting corridor, all thoughts of escorting Prince Xizor to Sickbay forgotten. Who cared about the Prince when there was a dangerous enemy on board the ship, especially one that ate brains? The other troopers ran after him, randomly shooting at anything they saw.

Xizor watched them go, and then walked in a different direction. He had strolled down the hall for several minutes without encountering anyone when he heard excited voices ahead. It didn't sound like stormtroopers, so Xizor decided to check it out. If he were lucky, it just might be the Pill Dealer, Skywalker.

Luke turned around a bend in the corridor and stopped dead in his tracks. That green skin, the black topknot of hair… "Oh no! Not HIM!"

"Hello!" Prince Xizor called brightly upon seeing Skywalker. And he was even more pleased to see the lovely Princess Leia with him. Although she had escaped from his charms before, well, perhaps he'd have a second chance. "Do you have any pills?"

"NO! I DON'T have any pills!" Luke backed away from Xizor, keeping himself between the crazy alien and his sister.

"But you're a Pill Dealer! I know so for a fact." Xizor moved closer, determined not to let Skywalker escape before he had purchased a supply of Annoyance from him. "I just wish to conduct a business transaction. Jade told me of the powerful Annoyance you provided her with. I want some of it, too!"

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Luke replied, confused. Had Mara told Xizor he was a pill dealer? Why would she do that? Then it clicked in his head. "You're lying! You're totally crazy and if you're not careful, Mace will eat your brain! He's a Brain-Eating Alien!"

But the Falleen Prince wasn't interested in Brain-Eating Aliens. In fact, they had proved very helpful in letting him escape from the stormtroopers. But perhaps Skywalker was interested in them. Yes, this could prove quite helpful and Xizor smiled broadly. "I saw some of them, you know…"

Luke and Leia exchanged glances, unsure what to make of this new information.

Encouraged, Xizor continued. "Oh yes, I saw them with my own eyes! They were up in the vent, peering out at me! I would have been surely killed and my brain eaten! But the stormtroopers spotted them and started shooting! I made my escape and that's how I met you."

Luke stared wide-eyed at Xizor, his mouth hanging open. "You really SAW one?"

"Luke! Don't listen to him!" Leia exclaimed, placing a hand on her brother's bare shoulder. She had been meaning to ask Luke about why he was wearing what obviously was one of their Father's black capes as some bizarre fashion statement and not his own sensible cloths, but had never gotten the chance. "He'll say anything!"

"But you saw the floor back there, the gaping hole!" Luke turned to his sister, concern in his blue eyes. "These Brain-Eating Aliens are REAL! Father doesn't want to believe it, but I know they are! And he said he saw one. I know he's crazy, but at the moment he's the only source of information we have."

Luke turned back to Xizor. "Look, I'm NOT a Pill Dealer, OK? I don't know why you think that but I'm not. But we need to know about that thing you saw in the vent. What did it look like?"

Xizor smiled, his mouth all white teeth. Since he had started taking pills from Dr. Edmund, he'd been seeing all sorts of odd creatures. Oddly enough, no one saw them. But finally here was someone willing to listen and if it'll get him more pills, great! Skywalker was obviously testing him and the Falleen Prince understood that. Skywalker didn't want to peddle pills to just anyone… "It was green with thick tentacles! A disgusting slime oozed from its main central body where it had an enormous eye! They eye was red and shot through with streaks of bright yellow, the pupil in the center as dark as space itself!"

"Eeeewwwww!" Luke cried, horrified. "That's disgusting!"

"They're up in the vents!" Xizor shouted as he started to move around wildly, staring up at the ceiling fearfully. "We're surrounded! Why, I once saw one emerge from a toilet!"

"That's why the bathroom was shot up!" Luke shouted, the young Jedi growing more and more excited.

Leia, however, rolled her eyes. "Luke, he's making it all up! Can't you see that?"

"But it makes perfect sense!" her brother said. "And Mace is their leader!"

"Now give me my pills!" Xizor stated as he hopped closer to Luke, a wild and deranged look in his eyes.

"But I told you I don't HAVE any pills!"

"But your wife has them!" Xizor stated. "She hides them in her hair! I saw them!"

"Wife?" Leia glanced at her brother, confusion clear on her face. "Luke, what's he talking about?"

"Wife? I don't have a wife!" Luke cried.

"You DO!" Xizor leaped forward and landed on top of Luke, knocking the younger man to the ground. "She said she was married to Skywalker and you're Skywalker! She has THREE husbands! A very sick and twisted woman she is, your wife, but clever!"

"But…but… I'm not married to anyone!" Luke wiggled and squirmed frantically and managed to throw Prince Xizor off. The young Jedi scrambled to his feet and dashed down the hallway, Leia right beside him.

To be continued…


	28. Han Solo

Chapter 28: Han Solo

Meanwhile down on Coruscant, Han was on the Falcon and heading for the kitchen. He needed to bake another Poisoned Cake for Emperor Palpatine. "The kitchen is this way…"

Han stopped and turned around, looking for Shmi. But instead of following him towards the kitchen, Vader's mother was just standing there near the Falcon's ramp and well, STARING. "What's the matter? I thought we were going to go bake a cake."

"This place is … I mean …" Shmi stuttered, unsure how to say what she really meant.

"Oh!" A broad crooked grin spread across Han's face. "You mean it's a bit messy. Yeah, your son said the same thing. I told him if he didn't LIKE it that he should CLEAN it but since he DIDN'T clean it I guessed he LIKED it after all! Now that we got that settled, let's go make that cake."

"I used to clean Watto's house." Shmi commented, thinking that even the Toydarian's place had NEVER looked like this. No, this place was in a dump all of its own. Maybe it was a dump…

"Come on!" Han waved, and then disappeared through a doorway.

Cautiously, Shmi made her way onto the Falcon. The ship would look a lot nicer and bigger if it was cleaned, that was for sure. Tools were scattered all over the floor, pieces of clothing hung on various pieces of furniture and what in all the sands of Tatooine was that SMELL? It reminded her of something that had died and baked in the heat of the suns for several days. Phew! And her granddaughter was thinking of marrying this guy? Stepping over some odd-looking tool, Shmi discovered a pale pink liquid dripping from underneath a closed door. "There's something leaking over here! You better come and look at it."

Han reappeared, an apron with a zillion stains on it tied around his waist. "I was afraid of that. That's my cargo. It melted!"

"Your cargo?" Shmi asked.

"Yeah. I had a contract to carry some ice cream to a planet but my freezer broke…" Han stared down at the pink mess dripping from under the cargo bay door. No doubt by now it ALL had melted. In fact, the entire room was probably filled to the ceiling with melted ice cream. "Dang freezer! Lando guaranteed me it'll be good for three years … at least! And look at this mess I got now. Guess I'll have to dump the entire load. Nothing else to do."

"But won't you loose money?"

"Yeah, well, this isn't the first time I lost cargo. Won't be the last, either." Han headed towards the ramp that led outside, then turned back to Shmi. "Make yourself at home. And whatever you do, DON'T open that door! I'll have to go drain it from outside…"

Han ducked outside and went around to the other side of the ship. Now where was that little outside drain he had installed a couple of years ago? Spotting it, Han laughed. It would be a cinch to drain the cargo bay this way. Reaching upward, the smuggler twisted the control cover and with a loud click it popped open. Almost instantly melted ice cream started to gush out and Han quickly jumped backward. The stuff was, he had to admit, spoiled. A nasty sour smell began to fill the air as the odd pinkish-purple liquid started to cover the landing platform that the Falcon rested on. As it inched towards his boots Han backed away. "Gee, I hope it doesn't go flood Vader's castle. He'll kill me for sure if it did that."

Han stood there for a few moments, thinking. "Nah! He won't kill me once he realizes I rescued his mother from the Brain-Eating Aliens, otherwise known as Stormtroopers. He'll be pleased!"

Satisfied, Han strolled back up the ramp into the Falcon. "It'll take several hours to drain, if not longer. I had the freezer packed from wall to wall, solid with boxes of ice cream."

Shmi held a few socks in her hands, a pile of assorted clothes near her on the floor. "Do you have a dog or something?"

"No, just Chewie. He's my Wookie copilot. He sheds a bit…" Han explained as he once again headed towards the kitchen. "Did you ever bake a cake before? Mine comes inside a box. Now where did I put it? Oh, that's right. I propped it under the table leg because Luke had an accident during lightsaber practice. Hmmmm… should I tell old Helmet Head about that and tip him off to go buy lots of cake mixes?"

Shmi kneeled on the floor and reached under the sofa. Feeling something, she pulled it out and almost shrieked in fright. At one time it had been a plate, anyway, she was pretty sure it had been a plate. Now it was the home to some noxious green gunk that had black spots on it. A disgusted look on her face, Shmi carefully picked the nasty thing up with only two fingers and promptly tossed it outside the ship. Bleeh!

Inside the kitchen, Han was ready to make his cake batter. "Well, I'm pretty sure I'm ready. I have a bowl and a spoon and the box. Yep, that must mean I'm ready."

Picking up the box, Han began to read the ingredient list and realized he needed eggs. "Uh oh! I forgot to go buy the eggs. I better go get some."

Setting the box back onto the table, Han once again left the kitchen. Seeing Shmi gathering up yet more dirty laundry, he waved a hand at her. "I'll be right back. I got to go get some eggs for the cake!"

"All right," Shmi replied as she pulled a shirt off a wire dangling from the ceiling. "I'll help you bake it when you get back."

Smiling, Han hurried down the ramp only to find a lake of melted ice cream. To his delight, he saw it was draining off the edge of the landing platform. "Great! Now I don't have to worry about it flooding Vader's house!"

CRASH! BANG! CRASH!

At the loud crunch of metal and loud shrieking, Shmi came running to the open door. "What's going on?"

"Ah, just some idiot driver caused an airspeeder accident!" Han explained as he stepped into Ice Cream Lake and wondered to the edge to have a look. Yep, just as he suspected! A big pile-up of airspeeders and various vehicles, some of them with an unusual wet, glistening look to them. In fact, the colors of those vehicles looked suspiciously like his pinkish-purple ice cream. Nah! He was sure it was just a coincidence! Who would want their airspeeder the color of spoiled ice cream?

Far below Han, the waterfall of sour dairy product was splashing from one landing platform to another. It coated people's airspeeders, ran inside of buildings, caused major pile-ups and best of all, dripped onto shocked people's heads. Fights broke out, animals flocked to lap at the free bounty, insects buzzed their delight, swarms formed, people screamed in terror. Han had really created a major disaster!

Shrugging his shoulder, Han was about to turn around when he spotted something that looked like eggs. Yes, they WERE eggs! Laughing at his good fortune, the smuggler quickly hurried over to the odd nest that rested in the far corner of the landing platform. Reaching in, Han plucked two of the giant eggs from the bits of assorted junk that formed the nest. So what if these eggs had weird spots on them or that the base color was black instead of white? The important thing was that they were EGGS. Clutching them to his chest, Han hurried up the ramp of the Falcon. "I'm back and I got us the eggs!"

"So soon? Is there a market nearby?" Shmi asked, then her eyes widened at the oddly colored eggs. "What kind of eggs are those?"

"Who cares? They're eggs and they were free. There's a nest of them out there…" Han hurried towards the kitchen.

"But you can't cook strange eggs! Why, how do you know they're any good to eat?" Shmi exclaimed, worried. It was a miracle Han had survived as long as he did living this way and now cooking odd eggs! "You could poison yourself!"

"Now listen here, Sister. That's the idea!" Han grinned as he imagined Palpatine dropping dead. The War would be over and the Rebels would have won! If only other people wouldn't keep getting in the way!

Shmi gasped, a hand flying to her open mouth. "You want to kill yourself?"

"NO! Not me, Palpatine!" Han exclaimed, annoyed. He shook a finger at her. "And don't tell me not to try it, either!"

"That nice old man wants to kill himself? Why?" Shmi asked, confused. "Shouldn't you talk him out of it?"

"NO! He doesn't want to kill himself! I'm trying to kill him!" Han explained as he set his eggs on the floor, and then glanced around for the box of cake mix he had left on the table. It was gone. "Where did the box go? I thought I left it here…"

Shmi bent down and picked the boxed mix off the floor, handing it to Han. "Why would you want to do something awful like kill someone? That's terrible!"

Han rolled his eyes. "I killed lots of people. Take Greedo for example. Blasted him one in the Mos Eisley cantina. Didn't bother me at all. Guy had it coming. Now are you going to help me bake this cake or not? Trust me, Palpatine is responsible for many, many horrible atrocities in this galaxy and deserves to die. He's a Sith, you know…"

"What are you going to put in it?" Shmi asked, not really sure if she wanted to be involved in this murder plot, if that's what it really was.

"The usual." Han replied. "Alcohol, caffeine, a few special ingredients…"

"Not anything poisonous?" Shmi asked feeling a bit relieved that so far the ingredients seemed odd but edible.

Han frowned. "I don't have any!"

Setting the mixing bowl on the table, Han cracked open one of the odd eggs and poured it into the bowl. Smiling because his baking was off to a good start, Han picked up the box to see what else he needed to do when he heard a loud crash.

The bowl with egg had slid down the uneven tabletop and crashed onto the floor!

"Drat!" Han swore as he stared at the mess it had created, runny egg all over his kitchen floor. "Oh well, I'll just scoop it up."

Shmi gasped, horrified. "You're not going to USE that egg after it was on the floor?!"

"Hey!" Han gave her one of his looks. "There's nothing wrong with that egg! It's still a perfectly good egg!"

Vader's mother turned a slight greenish color.

Just like he said, Han scooped the egg up into another bowl only to discover lots of Wookie fur sticking all over it. Shrugging, Han started to whistle a song from the Max Rebo Band. The cake was for Palpatine anyway. What's a bit of Wookie fur for a Sith Lord anyway? Placing that bowl onto the counter, Han started on the other ingredients. He had two bottles of alcohol and he used the gizmo to collect the caffeine from Coke….what was he missing? "Oh! I need a few crunchy bugs!"

"EEEWWWW!" Shmi said, disgust clear on her face. "You can bake that cake by yourself! It sounds horrible."

Han watched her hurry into the other room, and then shrugged his shoulders. He wanted to get all the credit for killing Palpatine anyway. A few moments later Han followed her into the main room and looked under the sofa. "Hey! What happened to my sandwich? I had it under here for safe keeping."

"You mean that ghastly green thing glued onto a plate?"

"Yeah…"

"I threw it out!" Shmi informed Captain Solo. "It stunk worst than a bantha's poodoo!"

"I was saving that sandwich for an emergency!" Han said angrily. "I had it for six months under there safe and sound! How could you just throw it out?"

"It was spoiled and had stuff growing on it."

"There was nothing wrong with that sandwich! It was a perfectly good sandwich! So if it was a tad green?" Han straightened and got to his feet, rubbing his chin in thought. "Since I can't stick the sandwich in the cake, what else could I put in there? Hmm, I need something."

"Plus it had black spots on the green stuff!" Shmi said, expecting that it should explain it all.

"SO? The black spots meant it was just starting to get really good!"

"You are impossible! It's a miracle you're still alive eating stuff like that!"

"Well, I don't eat it! I told you, it's for Palpatine!" Han hurried outside and collected a cup of the spoiled ice cream. Coming back in, he shoved the cup towards her, a satisfied grin on his face. "Look! Crunchy flying things!"

"Eeewwww! Get those wasps out of here before they sting someone!" Shmi was beginning to wish she had stayed on Ani's big ship even if it meant seeing some Undead Creature. She was beginning to see why her son didn't like this fellow. She watched as Han ran into the kitchen with his prize find and started singing an off-key version of Lopti Nek, half of the Huttesse words gargled and mispronounced. Then the oven must have been turned on because an awful stench started to fill the Falcon and Shmi was forced to flee onto the outside ramp for fresh air. Except there was no fresh air, only the sour stink of spoiled ice cream and a couple trillion flying bugs of every variety. Still, the stink out here was better than Solo's baking.

Han approached her some time later, a white cardboard box in his hands. "Look! My cake is all done! Isn't it great?"

Shmi had no idea what to say, so she just nodded her agreement.

To be continued…


	29. The Pill Dealer

Chapter 29:

Author's Note: I will try to get back into the swing of this story…

"Luke! Why are we running from him for? You're a Jedi!" Leia asked as she ran alongside her brother. "And he's a criminal. We should try to catch him, not flee like cowards!"

Luke skidded to a halt, his chest heaving from the short but incredibly fast dash. "You're right. You're always right. But he's crazy! You heard him just now! He thinks I'm a Pill Dealer and that I have a wife! I don't even know what he's talking about! And everywhere I go he shows up!"

"You want to get back in Father's good graces, don't you?" She asked, a comforting hand on his bare shoulder. "And I'd still like to know why in the galaxy you're wearing Father's black cape instead of your own clothes!"

Luke glanced down at the black toga he had made from one of Vader's capes, his face turning tomato red. "It's a long story, Leia…"

"Well, you're going to tell me one of these days. I insist!"

"All right." Luke sighed. "But not right now. I DO want to get back in Father's good graces and patch things up with the Jedi Council. I'm still not sure about that Mace guy though…"

"You heard Father!" Leia spoke confidently as she intently watched in the direction they had come from. "He trusts Mace and you should, too. Now we need a plan to catch Xizor. How about you wait here in the hall and I'll go hide in that room? Then distract him so I can clobber him on the head with something. How does that sound?"

Luke's blue eyes widened as he gawked fearfully at her. "You just love beating up guys, don't you? Do you think you inherited that from Mother or Father?"

"Well, Father seems to favor Force-Choking so I guess it comes from Mother. Why?"

"So THAT'S why Father wears that mask and helmet! Mother must have been clobbering him all the time on the head! So he bought that stuff for his own self-protection!"

Leia slapped a hand over her eyes and moaned loudly. "Luke.."

"Gee, maybe I ought to buy a set, too! I mean, now that I'm dating Mara…" Luke rubbed his chin as he seriously considered the matter. "That Master Yoda was right. He told me dating was dangerous. Women can be so vicious! Did you know they expect you to actually KISS them?"

"Luke!" Leia grabbed her brother by the shoulders and shook him. "Snap out of it! Any minute that Falleen is going to come running and we need to be ready! So stop blabbing nonsense and get ready!"

Luke shot her an annoyed look. "Go hide then."

He watched Leia dash to a nearby door and slip inside, the door clicking shut behind her. He had to admit he normally didn't get annoyed with people, especially not with Leia as she could beat him up. He still hadn't forgot what she had done to Palpatine. His sister was darn right scary! Who would ever think of using a chair as a weapon? Feeling his annoyance drain away he once again started to think of Mara, she of the flaming red hair and emerald green eyes.

"Yoo-hoo!" Prince Xizor called brightly as he rounded a corner and saw Skywalker. The man's long topknot of black hair bobbed and he flashed pearly white teeth. "It's me! Will you give me my pills now? I told you what you wanted to know about the Brain-Eating Aliens. It's only fair you give me my pills!"

"Umm…" Luke nervously shifted his wait from one foot to another. He desperately clung to the fact that once Xizor came close enough that Leia would sprint from her hiding place and knock him out cold with some hard object. But since the door wasn't opening, he knew he had to stall for more time. His mind scrambled desperately for something to say, anything. "Yeah, I am a Pill Dealer…"

"I KNEW it!" Xizor bounced joyfully up and down on his feet, his black hair flying around wildly. He rubbed his palms together with anticipation. "When do I get my pills? Do you have more than one kind?"

"Well, I don't have them on me right now…" Luke slowly backed away from the alien and hoped that Xizor would follow him. Maybe the Prince was too close to the door and that's why Leia wasn't coming out. "I need to go get them. You know?"

"OH! I understand completely!" Xizor grinned and winked an eye. "You don't want anyone to know, especially Vader, hmmmm? Is he still in denial?"

Deciding it was best to humor Xizor, Luke nodded.

"That is SO sad! He really should get the help he needs. Dr. Edmund helped me SO much!" Xizor leaped the short distance between the two of them and threw an arm around Luke's shoulders. He tightened his grip, almost hugging the young Jedi. "So how about you get me the pills?"

"Ummm, OK." Luke desperately glanced behind them, hoping to see Leia sneaking up with another chair. But the hallway was still empty. A frown crossed Luke's face. Where had she gone?

Inside the room, Leia pounded her fists on the door but it still refused to open! Resigned to the fact she was trapped inside a broom closet, she leaned her back heavily against the door and sunk down to the floor. "This is so stupid! How could I have gotten locked inside a broom closet? I used to be on the Senate for crying out loud!"

But she was locked inside a broom closet. The door lock was malfunctioning and that's why she couldn't get out. And she couldn't depend on Luke to rescue her. He no doubt was still waiting for her to sneak up and bean Xizor on the head. Her poor brother was now subject to the whims of the insane pill addict and it was all her fault! Determination appeared on her face and she hastily climbed to her feet. "I'm not going to escape by feeling sorry for myself so I'll have to rescue myself. There must be something in here I can use…"

Reaching towards the shelves, she started going through the shelves. "I should just be glad the overhead light works. This ship has really taken a beating.."

The light overhead tinkled, blinked and then went out leaving her in total darkness.

"Figures…"

"So," Luke said uncomfortably as he was forced to walk down the long deserted hallway with Xizor. Enough time had passed that he realized something must have happened to Leia. What if that room had been filled with Brain-Eating Aliens? He needed to go tell Father so the Sith Lord could rescue her! He'd do it himself but couldn't do to the annoying Falleen! But what if he reached Vader too late and the nasty aliens had already eaten his sister's brain? That would be utterly terrible and his entire fault! Forgetting he had started to say something else, he spoke his thoughts out loud. "I'd never forgive myself!"

Xizor stopped and gawked at Luke, confused. "Huh? Never forgive about what? All them wives you have?"

Luke's face darkened with anger, as he grew fed up with the man's insistence that he was married. "I told you I don't have any wives! Not a one!"

"You do too!" Xizor insisted loudly. "I saw them! And one of them has three husbands!"

"Will you just SHUT UP!" Luke cried as his blue eyes darkened and his hands tightened into fists.

"SKYWALKER HAS THREE WIVES! SKYWALKER HAS THREE WIVES!" Xizor screamed as loudly as he could.

Luke's face reddened from both anger and embarrassment. "Stop that! Someone's going to hear you!"

A group of stormtroopers appeared in a connecting corridor and stood close together in a clump. They leaned their heads together and whispered over their connecting comlinks.

"SKYWALKER HAS THREE WIVES! SKYWAL….."

Luke's fist hit Xizor in his green face. The Prince of Black Sun spun around several times than fell to the floor. The moment he hit the floor Luke threw himself forward and landed on top of the man. He started to pummel him with his fists but the Prince wasn't knocked out just yet. He reached up and gripped Luke's shaggy hair and pulled.

"AAHHHHHH!" Luke shrieked in pain and in desperation jerked closer to the green man to bite him on his nose.

"MY NOSE!" Xizor screamed as the pain of the Jedi's teeth sinking in his nose hit his nerves. "You won't disfigure me!"

The two rolled around on the smooth and highly polished floor of Executor, arms waving and legs kicking. They punched, clawed, bit, kicked and did anything else that occurred to them. They screamed insults, threatened one another and shrieked in pain from all the injuries. Luke could have won the fight easily if only he had remembered to use his lightsaber but the ancient weapon was forgotten and still attached to his belt. This truly was the first time Luke had ever been in an all out fight of this nature and sadly he was loosing to the Falleen.

The lead stormtrooper watched the battle for a moment. "We have some real wild ones here…"

Signaling his men, the lead stormtrooper jogged towards the two combatants. Within short order the two fighting men were separated and cuffed, three stormtroopers hanging onto each person. The lead trooper stood in front of Luke and Xizor. "You have been arrested and will now accompany us to the detention block. Fighting of this nature is not allowed and it will go on your service record! It is disgraceful, especially during this time of severe need!"

"Hey! You can't arrest me!" Luke cried, horrified. His hair stuck up at weird angles and he sported a black eye. The part of the cape going over his shoulder had been torn and it slowly drooped down his arm until he was totally bare-chested.

"You!" The lead stormtrooper pointed at Luke. "Where is your uniform?"

"I don't have one! I don't even work on this ship!" Luke cried as he struggled vainly to free himself from the grip of the stormtroopers that held him.

"Then you're an intruder!" The lead trooper declared with triumph. "I will get rewarded for your capture!"

"He's a Pill Dealer!" Xizor cried loudly. "He refused to give me the pills I bought! And he has three wives and one of those wives has three husbands! He's very sick and twisted!"

Luke glared angrily at Xizor and attempted to kick him. "SHUT UP! You're going to get me in more trouble!"

"PILL DEALER! PILL DEALER!" Xizor sung crazily as the three stormtroopers that held him tightened their grips.

"Those are serious charges!" The lead stormtrooper remarked. "Drug dealing, having more than one wife, brawling in public, boarding the ship without permission…"

"Sir! Look!" One of the stormtroopers pointed at the lightsaber hanging from Luke's belt.

Reaching out, the lead trooper unhooked Luke's belt and took the entire belt away, lightsaber and all. "…Illegally armed, possession of restricted weapons…"

The torn remains of Vader's cape fell to the floor and Luke shivered in his Death Star underwear. The Death Star itself was pictured on his rear while Tie-Fighters and X-wings flew everywhere else. The young Jedi's face turned scarlet as he felt every eye there stare at him. It was without doubt the most embarrassing moment in his young life and he wished he could just die.

"…No respect for the Empire, improper exposure in public, no fashion sense…"

"You can't arrest me! Darth Vader is my Father!" Luke shouted in desperation.

"..Lying to arresting officer…"

Xizor stared at Luke and laughed. "I wouldn't be caught DEAD in those!"

"Will you just SHUT UP!"

"MAHAHAHAHAHA! Death Star Underwear! MAHAHAHAHA!" Tears ran down Prince Xizor's face as he laughed.

"There's nothing wrong with them!" Luke insisted, his face still cherry red. "I bought them myself!"

Leaving the torn cape where it was on the floor, the stormtroopers hauled Luke and Xizor away to the detention block. A short time later Luke found himself sitting glumly inside a cell in only his underwear. When he had asked if he could call his father they had refused. So he sat on the little bench inside his sell, one hand propping his chin up. "Great, just great! Now what am I going to do?"

The lead stormtrooper, however, had contacted Lord Vader to inform him two intruders had been caught. When the Dark Lord had asked for descriptions he knew instantly that one of them was Luke, the other Xizor. So he had set off for the detention block immediately.

"Luke…"

"Father!" Luke glanced up and saw Vader standing in the doorway of his cell. The young man leaped up from his seat and hurried over to the Sith Lord. "Those stormtroopers arrested me! Xizor wouldn't leave me alone so I had to fight him!"

Master Mace crowded into the cell and took in the young man's appearance. The black baldheaded Jedi shook his head sadly. "And by the looks of it, you lost. Son, you have to learn how to fight better than that. You have a black eye, numerous scratches and a hunk of hair missing. And are those BITES I see?"

"He fights dirty!" Luke cried quickly, his eyes alit with emotion. "But I bit him back!"

Mace groaned.

Padme squeezed into the cell and hugged her son tightly. "You did your best and that's what counts. Now lets get those wounds of yours looked at. We don't want those bites to get infected, do we?"

Horrified that a strange woman, even one claiming to be his mother, was seeing him wearing only his underwear he struggled wildly to get away from her. "Don't look at me!"

"What's wrong?" Padme asked as her dark eyes filled with concern. "If you're worried about that black eye…"

Luke pulled free and dashed behind Obi-Wan.

Obi-Wan grinned. "I think he's a tad shy…"

"Luke! I'm your mother!" Padme exclaimed.

"But I just met you…" Luke protested as he desperately looked for something to cover up his almost naked body.

"Now son…" Mace started again. "Jedi don't have embarrassment. Why, in the old days we were required to fight naked if need be…"

"AAAAHHHHHHHH!" Luke went shrieking down the hallway in his Death Star underwear.

Vader shook an angry black-clad fist at Master Mace. "Look what you did! You will stop picking on my son!"

"Your son caused this mess to begin with!" Mace pointed out.

"I know that!" Vader snapped back. "I cannot be chasing him all over the whole blasted ship! I have a job to do!"

"Well, if this ship would BE so big you could find him easily!" Mace grumbled as he followed the others out of the cell. It was clear that Luke was a much bigger problem than Anakin had ever been. "I don't know what we're going to do with that boy."

"He will be a Jedi." Vader stated as he stormed down the long hallway, his senses stretching out to find the boy. Mace, Obi-Wan and Padme followed the grin Sith Lord. Discerning that one of his children was nearby; he headed in the correct direction. As the party of four approached the correct location, a loud banging could be clearly heard.

"Help! Help! Someone let me out!" Leia's voice cried from behind a closed door.

Vader lifted his gloved hand and made a sliding motion. The door opened and Princess Leia stumbled out, a metal bucket stuck to one foot. A dozen mops fell on top of her along with other assorted cleaning items. The bucket made a loud clunking sound with each step and she lost her balance, falling. Desperate, she clutched at Vader's shoulders and clung to him.

Mace scowled as he eyed the situation. "I see this one is even worst! I hope you don't expect her to become a Jedi as well! She has absolutely no coordination! Why, with her around you don't need Sith! She'd lope her own limbs off in lightsaber practice!"

The Princess glared angrily at Master Mace.

"Well, it's true!" Mace exclaimed as he felt her powerful gaze.

Letting go of Vader's shoulders, Leia shoved the mops off herself and they clattered to the floor. Balancing on one foot, she yanked the metal bucket off and held it securely in both hands. Stomping up to him, she shoved the bucket onto his head roughly until the rim was level with his chin. "Don't insult me again … you …you… you gravel-maggot!"

"HEY!" Mace shouted, his voice muffled by the bucket. He gripped the metal pail with his hands and tried to lift it off his face but it was stuck. "It's stuck! Somebody get it off!"

Leia slapped the bucket with the side of her hand and it vibrated like a bell. "And that's for upsetting Luke earlier! If you mess with him you'll have to deal with me!"

Mace stumbled around blindly and fell to the floor. "She has your bad temper, too!"

After Leia stomped off to go in search of her brother, Obi-Wan and Padme helped Master Mace to his feet.

"We need to take him to Sickbay…" Padme remarked as she started to lead the blind Jedi down the hallway. She shot Vader a look and he quickly moved up in front to lead the odd procession. He still remembered from all those years ago that Padme had won the argument and she expected to be obeyed … even if he was a Sith Lord. As they walked a loud screeching could be heard. The sound grew louder and louder.

"AAAAHHHHHH!" Luke shrieked as he ran towards Darth Vader still clad in only his Death Star underwear, a whole legion of stormtroopers after him. "Those guys just won't leave me alone! They're EVERYWHERE!"

Vader silently sighed. He supposed he should look on the bright side that he had once again found the boy or should he say the boy found him? Either way, Luke was once more safe. He held up his hand and sent the troopers off elsewhere. Turning, he found Luke gaping at Mace.

"Who's that?" Luke asked, apparently not recognizing the Jedi Master due to the bucket on his head.

"It's me." Mace said from under the bucket.

"Who's Me?" Luke asked dumbly. He was pretty sure he had never met anyone with that name before.

"MACE!" Mace cried, aspirated.

"Oh, it's you." Luke blinked at the bucket-headed Jedi. "You had women problems, didn't you? I figured that's why Father wears that helmet … they like to clobber you on the head if you say the wrong thing. You really should have cut some eye holes in that before you put it on, do you know that?"

Obi-Wan snickered, a hand over his mouth.

Mace groaned loudly.

"Can I have it when you're done? Now that I'm dating Mara I'll need some protection…"

Mace lunged forward towards Luke's voice, his hands outstretched to strangle the boy. Luke sidestepped easily and Mace fell to the floor, the bucket ringing loudly like a bell in a steeple.

Clutching Luke by his wrist, Vader led the party to Sickbay. He was determined that this time his son would not get away. Soon after they had entered, Dr. Leonard McCoy emerged from his office and headed towards them. Upon seeing Mace with the bucket, the blue-eyed man mumbled and shook his head sadly. "I don't even want to ask how this happened."

In short order the bucket was removed and they headed up to the Bridge. Just outside the Bridge door they met Admiral Piett "They won't let me in, Lord Vader. They still insist about Brain-Eating Aliens."

"I will handle this." Vader motioned with his hand and the locked door smoothly opened. He then stormed onto the Bridge and all the officers there cowered in fear. Within a moment the Executor was back under his control and things quickly returned to normal. But it soon became clear that the trigger-happy stormtroopers had done damage all over the huge vessel. Executor would have to be put into spacedock for one week while repairs were made. This suited Vader just fine as it'll give him more time to spend with his family ay his castle on Coruscant. He clicked through the mental list of guests and family members that have been scattered all over the ship. Turning, he motioned Admiral Piett over. "Where is my Mother, Admiral?"

Piett gulped nervously, the bump in the front of his throat moving. His hands were clasped behind his back and he struggled not to tremble in fear. "My Lord, I'm afraid I could not find her. The Bridge does report a shuttle left during the confusion and headed down to Coruscant. Perhaps … perhaps she was aboard it."

"Admiral, a call is coming in." A bridge officer reported.

Piett bent over a bridge machine and straightened to face Lord Vader again. "It is from General Solo, Sir."

"Put it on the screen, Admiral." Vader ordered.

Piett hit a button and the image quickly appeared on the bridge's main viewscreen.

Han grinned crookedly at the assembled people on Executor's bridge. "It's about time you people answer! I've been trying to get through here for over an hour! Well, Pops, you'll be glad to know your mother is safe and sound down here at your place. Those stormtroopers of yours was shooting the whole place up and well, it just wasn't safe up there anymore. So I borrowed a shuttle and brought her down here. We've been baking cakes…"

"Thank you, General Solo." Vader said, relieved to know that Shmi was safe. The best thing to do next was to gather everyone up and head down planetside for some rest and relaxation. Perhaps things would be more quite down there.

To be continued…


	30. A Call from Mon Mothma

Chapter 30

Luke sighed in relief. It was good to be back in his regular black clothes. It had seemed like forever he had been running around in his father's cloak toga style. It had been embarrassing and he was glad it was all over! Vader had ordered Executor into spacedock for repairs and now the young Jedi sat on a shuttlecraft as they headed back down to Coruscant. He hoped things would calm down for a while so he could relax and maybe look around his father's castle. Plus he had new family members he wanted to get to know including his father, mother and grandmother! It really was amazing…

Finally the shuttlecraft landed and everyone exited: Vader, Luke, Leia, Obi-Wan, Mace, Yoda, Qui-Gon, Padme and Mara Jade. The Emperor's Hand had decided to hang around with Luke as she still had her Master's orders to follow. Palpatine wanted Luke on the Dark Side and since the young Jedi had a crush on her…

"Hey Pops!" Han smiled crookedly as he casually leaned against the side of the Falcon as the party emerged from the Imperial Shuttle. ""Where's the old lizard? I baked him a new cake!"

HO-PAH. HO-PAH. HO-PAH.

Vader stared at Solo as thoughts of murder danced within his black helmet. If the smuggler hadn't rescued his mother from the trigger-happy stormtroopers… "General Solo, I thought I had instructed you not to bake any more poisonous cakes?"

"Who, little old me? Nah!" Han waved his hand and laughed. "I told you I don't have any poison."

As the word 'cake' was mentioned, Luke licked his lips eagerly. That last cake had tasted _so_ good! If only he could sneak away from his father for a moment and get into the Falcon. Maybe he'd be lucky and it would be another chocolate one all sweet and gooey with rich frosting…hmmm…his mouth was watering just thinking about it!

Padme wrinkled her delicate nose and slapped a hand over it. "OOOH, what is that awful SMELL?"

The Sith Lord tilted his helmet and stared at the sticky pinkish-purple slop that now covered his landing platform. To his horror, he realized he was _standing_ in the awful stuff! He turned his head this way and that to see how far the stuff had spread. Big clouds of insects buzzed noisily and the air was thick with their flashing wings and hovering bodies. He was really going to kill Solo for this outrage! "Solo! You will pay for this!"

"Hey!" Han protested as he held up both hands. "It's not my fault! It was Lando that sold me that freezer! He guaranteed that it would be good for at least five years, _five years_! So if you want to go kill somebody, go kill him. And while you're at it maybe you could get my credits back too. Drat con man conned me!"

"Well, what did you expect?" Obi-Wan commented dryly.

"A working freezer. Besides, it was a good bargain." Han eyed him and credits danced in his head. The guy _still_ owed him money and if it weren't for old Helmet-Head making death threats he'd go after him. But Han decided he'd play it cool and wait. Sooner or later the guy would be by himself and then he'd get him, before he did another miraculous disappearing act.

"Father, please." Luke put a calming hand on Vader's arm. "Han is my friend. Please don't kill him. All of this can be cleaned up. I'm sure it didn't do any real damage…."

"Solo, you will clean this mess you have made. Then you and I will have a little _talk_. Is that understood?"

"Sure, Pops. Whatever you say." Han grinned. The old Sith Lord was a real pushover, a real softie.

Vader gripped Luke firmly by the front of his black shirt with his mechanical hand and boldly started to drag him towards the castle.

"Hey!" Luke protested the rough treatment. "I thought I was going to help Han…"

"You will not go anywhere _near_ that cake, Son!" Vader instructed as he palmed the door open and led the party inside, his mother joining them. "And do not try lying to me, Luke. I can feel your desire for that cake."

"But I …" Luke started to say. He sighed. What was the use? His father was right. He _did_ want that cake! But it was just a harmless cake and he couldn't see what all the fuss was about.

Outside, Han set about getting ready to clean the lake of melted ice cream. After snooping around the outside of Vader's castle he soon found a long hose. Dragging it over to the stinking lake, he turned the water on and used the force of the water to push all the melted ice cream off the edge of the landing platform. It was hot standing there in the blazing sun and just holding the hose was boring work. Yawning, Han idly wondered what Vader wanted to talk about.

Hearing several loud crashes and the loud blaring of sirens, Han dropped the still spouting hose onto the ground and carefully wondered over to the edge of the landing platform. Peering below, he saw the flashing lights of several emergency vehicles and the remains of another big pile-up. Han shook his head sadly. "Dumb drunk drivers! I would have thought Pops would live in a better neighborhood, but then, he _is_ a Sith Lord. Still, that's the _second_ big pile-up of airspeeders I saw today. I got to remember never to go into that traffic lane. It's a real hazard. Wish they'd catch the guy responsible…"

Forgetting he still had the hose on and ignoring the wall of icy water that was tumbling off the landing platform, Han went into the Falcon. Picking up the lopsided cake he had painstakingly baked, he tucked it under his arm and made for the Falcon's ramp. But before he could head outside, he heard the com beeping. Heading towards the cockpit, he flipped the button to see who it was.

"Yeah? This is Solo. If this is Jabba, I'm not here…"

"General Solo!" The voice said as a woman's face appeared on the little screen.

"Oh, its you, Mon Mothma."

"Is Luke there? I'd very much like to speak to him…"

"Let me see if I can find him…" Han left the line opened and left the Falcon. He stepped over the hose and walked up to Vader's front door. Trying the door he found it was open so he went inside, the cake still tucked under his arm. Spotting a little end table in the entrance hall, he set the cake down and went to go find Luke. "Hey Luke, where are you?"

"General Solo, I trust you have cleaned up the mess that you created?" Vader stood in the very next room, apparently waiting for him. His black-gloved hands rested on his hips and he stood proud and straight. The black figure would have inspired fear in anyone but for some unknown reason it didn't do much to Solo. Why had his daughter chosen _this_ slob? Still, he was determined to straighten him out _before_ Leia married him.

"Yeah, I cleaned it." Han said, bored. His dark eyes scanned the room looking for the kid. "Where's Luke? There's a call for him…"

"He is with his mother and grandmother, getting to know them." Vader explained. "And now we will have a little talk."

Having nothing else to do, Han followed the Sith Lord into another room. The smuggler glanced around casually, realizing it was some sort of home office. There was a desk and computers, the usual junk and not anything worth stealing. Not that he'd steal from his future Father-In-Law, no way! He wasn't as dumb as Lando. The guy would probably rob himself … Han grinned. That was a good idea! He'd dump the busted freezer somewhere and then claim it had been stolen! Lando would be forced to give him the insurance money he was owed, as he had insured it with Calrissian Insurance Company; another one of Lando's schemes. "Make is fast. I have some insurance papers to fill out…Oh, and can I use your printer to print them? Mine's been busted the last two years…"

HO-PAH. HO-PAH. HO-PAH.

"What?" Han asked stupidly. "Why are you staring at me like that?"

"Solo, you will get a job." Vader ordered as he shook a fist at the smuggler.

"A job? I have a job, Pops! I smuggle for Jabba. That ice cream was supposed to go to his palace on Tatooine. What, surely you don't think he got that fat by eating veggies, do you?"

"He is a Hutt." Vader replied as his patience started to wear thin. "They _all_ look that way as you very well know. And smuggling is not a suitable job for someone who wishes to marry my daughter. You will get a _respectable_ job, one that pays a normal salary."

"Smuggling pays a salary!" Han protested wildly, his honor offended. "I'm not going to work for the blasted Empire if that's what you mean!"

"I did not say you had to work for the Empire." Vader replied as he continued to watch the younger man. "But you will acquire a new job, a job that is in no way connected to the Rebellion or smuggling or various shady characters such as Jabba. Is that clear?"

"Yeah…" Han sighed, frowning. The last thing he wanted was to get stuck in some dull dead-end job where he had to wear some dumb uniform or show up at an appointed hour. Feeling his freedom flying away already, Han pulled on the open collar of his shirt to open it yet farther. He could practically feel the tight hold of some strangling outfit and he'd be forced to walk around like some monkey in a crazy getup. There _had_ to be some loophole, there always was. Maybe he could find a job where he could still fly cargo and more or less still be his own boss. "But I'll need some references…"

"I will provide them if you apply for a suitable job."

"Well, I suppose I can _try_ applying for some job…" Han finally said.

"Good. Now tell me, Solo, how did you clean that mess?"

Han stared at Vader, his face scrunched up in puzzlement. "What, don't you people know how to _clean_ stuff? First that wife of yours was asking me how to wash clothes and now you're asking me how to clean a puddle of ice cream! The both of you can't really be that stupid, are you?"

HO-PAH. HO-PAH. HO-PAH. HO-PAH.

"Well, _are_ you really that stupid?"

HO-PAH. HO-PAH. HO-PAH.

Vader struggled to control his rising temper. "Just _answer_ the question."

"Oh, all right!" Han stared at Darth Vader. "I used a hose to push it all off the landing platform! Are you happy now?"

HO-PAH. HO-PAH. HO-PAH. HO-PAH.

After several long moments of only Vader's loud breathing filling the room, the Sith Lord finally spoke. "And where did it land when you pushed it off the platform?"

"How would I know?" Han looked at him like he was crazy. "And what does it matter? It's not _here_ anymore! Let somebody else deal with it. And by the way, you live in a _terrible_ neighborhood for airspeeder pileups!"

"And would your ice cream have anything to do with these pileups?" Vader asked.

"Of course not! They're all drunk drivers!" Han declared hotly, offended again. "And I heard a rumor that Lando was planning to open a used airspeeder dealership…"

Vader groaned and hoped Calrissian opened said dealership on a different planet. It was becoming clear he was just as bad as Solo if not worst!

"Can I print those insurance forms now?" Han asked hopefully. Vader nodded his consent and watched as Solo printed the thick sheaf of paper. In order to encourage people _not_ to claim the insurance, Lando made the claim form two hundred and fifty pages long using the biggest and longest words he could find in the dictionary to confuse them. But this didn't hinder Han. No, he was determined to force Lando to pay him the insurance he was owed! Whistling a snappy tune, Han strolled out of the office with the heavy stack of paper cradled in his arms.

Vader watched him go and wondered how far he would get with the form. He had read a few of the questions as it had printed out and they had been sheer idiocy and double-talk. He doubted if Solo would be able to get beyond the first page that asked for his name and address. In his opinion, it was a huge waste of time and supplies but then it should keep the troublemaker occupied for several hours.

Still whistling, Han headed back to the hallway where he had left his cake and stopped dead in his tracks. There was that longhaired weirdo! "Hey! Get away from my cake!"

Qui-Gon glanced up from where he had been standing looking at the cake. The Jedi frowned as recognition dawned in his eyes. "You're the one that covered the floor with grease!"

"And you're too stupid to look where you're walking!" Han retorted quickly. "Now unhand that cake! I baked it for Palpatine…."

"You owe me something for ruining my clothes with engine grease." Qui-Gon pointed out. "It's either that or I shall arrest you on my authority as a Knight of the Republic!"

Han rolled his eyes. "This guy is a real loony…."

Qui-Gon narrowed his eyes and carefully scrutinized the smuggler. "Excuse me?"

"I _said_ you're a real loony! But you know, I'm willing to help you out here…" Han smiled crookedly. "I understand you got taken by some con artists. It happens to everyone."

The Jedi stared at Han blankly. "What con artists? I don't know what you're talking about…"

Han set his big pile of insurance forms down on the table next to the cake. He wrapped a comforting arm around Qui-Gon's shoulders. "The ones that filled your head with all the phony-baloney. You know, the hocus-pocus stuff. We all know it doesn't _really_ exist! I mean, you can't _really_ move stuff with your mind by waving your hand around! It's all wishful thinking!"

"Are you saying the Force does not exist?" Qui-Gon asked.

"Yeah, that's what I'm saying." Han nodded his head sadly and tightened his grip on the longhaired Jedi. "It's all right to admit you've been tricked. Heck, I admit Lando conned me. It's nothing to be ashamed of…"

"But the Force _does_ exist! I know this to be true. Would you like me to show you?" Qui-Gon asked as he started to warm a bit towards the smuggler. Perhaps he was making too big of a deal about the grease on the floor. Palpatine was, after all, the Sith Master so perhaps he should be more understanding of the younger man's goals. It was just that he was very unorthodox in his killing methods…

Han moved away and waved his hand dismissively. "Nah, that's all right."

The Jedi followed him outside towards the Falcon. The hose was still spraying water off the edge of the landing platform and both men ignored it as if it weren't there at all. "I really would like to show you. I understand with the Order being gone for many years people don't believe that the Force really exists. But it does."

"Yeah?" Han turned and eyed him. "Are you sure?"

Qui-Gon nodded.

"All right. Then come over here and help me move this busted freezer out of the Falcon. If you can do _that_ then I'll believe you!" Han was careful to keep his facial expression dull and skeptic. And if he were lucky, the guy wouldn't know he had been manipulated into doing it. Yep, he had it made….

Han went and opened the big cargo door and pointed at the busted freezer. And man oh man but it really stunk _badly_! Han clamped a hand over his nose and quickly backed away. He waved his free hand at it, as a way of saying Qui-Gon should try to move it with his powers as he had claimed he could do. The smuggler watched as the Jedi lifted his hand and easily floated the huge freezer out of the cargo compartment and set it down onto the landing platform. Han glared at him. "Hey! You can't leave it _there_!"

"What else do you expect me to _do_ with it?" Qui-Gon asked.

"Do what any other person would do: dump it off the edge!" Han pointed to where the waterfall of ice water was pouring down off the lip of the platform.

Qui-Gon looked horrified. "I can't do that! Innocent people may be hurt or killed!"

Well," Han glanced around for another place to dump it and his eyes settled on the next building over. "How about floating it over there?"

"But that would not be proper. We don't know who lives there…"

"Ah, don't be such a stick-in-the-mud! Live a little!" Han cried. "Look, this whole city is filled with Imperials, right? And by the massive size of that place some big important honcho lives there. So lets have a little fun, er?"

Qui-Gon thought how Maul had killed him and Maul had worked for Palpatine. And the Empire belonged to Palpatine. "Well, I suppose maybe I could…."

"Great!" Han grinned broadly.

Qui-Gon waved his hand and the giant busted freezer floated through the large gap between buildings until it hovered over another landing platform. Then he carefully lowered it to the firm surface. Almost instantly more melted ice cream began to leak out and the bug swarm appeared to feast. The Jedi smiled as he imagined the shocked look on some Imperial's face.

After he washed out the inside of his cargo compartment, Han threw the hose onto the ground again and headed back towards Vader's front door. He needed to start filling out that insurance form for Lando. On the way he clapped Qui-Gon on the back. "You're OK, you know that? I bet we're going to be _great_ friends!"

Using the Force, Qui-Gon shut off the water and followed the smuggler back indoors.

Suddenly Han stopped dead in his tracks, a big light bulb going off in his head. "Poodoo! I forgot all about Mon Mothma! She wanted to talk to the kid about something! Gee, I better go find him!"

Han picked up his stack of insurance papers and Qui-Gon picked up the cake. Together they headed deeper into Vader's castle and soon they spotted Luke coming out of a nearby bathroom. "Luke! Over here!"

Spotting Han, Luke hurried over. "Hi Han! Hi Qui-Gon!"

"Mon Mothma wants to speak to you…" Han informed him as he hefted the heavy stack of papers. "Dumb Lando! Look what I all have to fill out to collect insurance on a stolen freezer!"

Luke gawked open-mouthed at the stack of papers. "Boy, I hope no one ever steals my lightsaber!"

Qui-Gon shot an odd look at Han. "I thought you said that freezer was broken?"

"Shhhhh! Lando doesn't know that!" Han elbowed him in the ribs and shot a dirty look at the Jedi. "Not in front of the kid! He might blabber to Lando because he doesn't know any better!"

But Han needn't worry. Luke was busy checking that his lightsaber was still on his belt. When he saw it, he sighed in relief. Concerned, he turned to look at his friend. "You should be more careful with your stuff. Some people are very crooked!"

"Yeah, they are." Han grinned.

Luke followed the other two back to the Falcon. When they got into the cockpit he saw a dozing Mon Mothma still waiting to speak to him, her chin resting on her chest. "Umm…Hello?"

Mon Mothma's head snapped up and she looked slightly embarrassed. "There you are! I just wanted to congratulate you on single-handed putting Executor into spacedock for repairs!"

"But I didn't…." Luke protested wildly, his eyes as round as the giant wheels on a Gungan battlewagon.

"You're so modest." Mon Mothma smiled gently at him, a twinkle in her eye. "What incredible tactics you used! We're all so impressed with your achievement."

"What tactics? I didn't do anything!" Luke protested, as he grew totally confused.

"Please continue your excellent undercover work there on Coruscant. I'll put a commendation in your file and you'll receive our highest medal when you return."

"But … but …" Luke stuttered.

"Congratulations once again, Commander!" Mon Mothma smiled happily and then she disappeared, the communication over.

Luke turned to look at the other two men with a wild look in his blue eyes. "But I didn't do anything!"

Qui-Gon shoved the lopsided cake towards him. "Have some cake!"

The young Jedi instantly forgot about Mon Mothma as he quickly snatched the offered cake. Sitting down at the game table, he tore a big chunk out of the square pan. Offering the gooey chocolate bakery to Qui-Gon, he tore another hunk off for himself. When he offered Han some the smuggler was quick to decline. Sitting next to each other, the two Jedi ate the entire cake and licked the frosting from their fingers.

"That tasted really good!" Qui-Gon said as he scraped the last bits of frosting from the pan with his finger.

"Yeah, it did!" Luke agreed. Frowning, he placed a hand on his stomach. "I … I feel kind of funny…"

"Yeah…" Qui-Gon agreed as a bead of sweat appeared on his forehead. "So do I…"

"Uh-oh!" Han muttered with worry as he remembered the odd speckled egg he had put into the mix, the one shmi had warned him not to use. What kind of egg had it been?

To be continued…


	31. The Council Meeting

Conversation With Vader 31

Author's Note: I'll try to continue this crazy story. I've forgotten how funny this story is until I reread chapter 30. Han is so crazy! Oh, I'm updating it to include references from Episode 3. OK? Its still the same crazy plot though.

"Oh, I really don't feel that good…" Luke moaned as he continued to clutch his stomach. Leaning on the game table, the young Jedi pushed himself to his feet and staggered towards the open door. He would go to his father, his mother. Since he had grown up with only his Aunt and Uncle on the moisture farm, he had never been pampered while he had been sick. But now his parents could care for him while he felt so miserable. The odd burning sensation in his stomach was unlike any other upset stomach he had ever had. In fact, he could swear he felt his skin expanding slightly, as if he had just packed himself with too much food. But he had just eaten that cake…

Reaching the door, Luke staggered down the ramp and hurried as fast as he could towards the door to Vader's castle.

Meanwhile, inside the castle a very select group of people sat in a circle. Each person rested crossed-legged upon a soft cushion borrowed from nearby sofas, the large pieces of furniture rudely shoved into another room. The baldheaded black man spoke up, his voice clear and loud. "Let this Jedi Council meeting come to order! Since we haven't held a meeting in several decades, we must have lots on the agenda for today."

Yoda nodded his head, his large green ears wiggling. "Concerned for young Skywalker am I. Addicted to bad cake he is. Wants to date Jade he does. Is forbidden it is."

"Yes, that is a concern." Obi-Wan agreed. "But there are only us three Council members, plus Qui-Gon. What can we really do?"

The Jedi sat and lowered their heads. Before there used to be twelve Jedi on the Council and thousands of lesser ranking Jedi; now the entire Order had been reduced to four trained Jedi and one partly trained Farmboy. To say it was a disaster was an understatement!

Plus their meeting was being held in the home of a Sith!

"Do something we must!" Yoda insisted. "Or fall to the Dark Side he will!"

"I think the boy is too stupid to fall to the Dark Side." Mace commented as he rolled his eyes. "He may be an adult in body, but his mind is that of a five-year-old!"

A dark shadow appeared in the doorway and the three Jedi glanced up to see the towering figure of Darth Vader. The imposing Sith Lord stood there in all his black glory, bright buttons flashing on his chest. "What are you doing?"

"Go away you must!" Yoda ordered. "Holding Council meeting we are!"

"But I thought _I_ was on the Council…" Vader reminded them in his low mechanical voice. Not that he really _cared_ about the Jedi anymore or _wanted_ to be on the Council. Years ago it had been what he dreamed of and desired greatly, the supreme honor of being a true Master. But they had _cheated_ him! They had allowed him to be on the Council without bestowing the title of Master. He had taken it as an extreme insult, a joke. They had thought he was a fool. But now that the scatter-brained Council was back in session (if one could even consider three Masters sitting on borrowed sofa cushions a session) he had the opportunity to _tease_ them back. Besides, having recently talked to that imbecile Solo had him in a foul mood and he needed to take his frustration out on someone.

"No, no, no! Not on Council any longer!" Yoda waved his green hands up in the air as he hopped off the plaid cushion and approached the Sith Apprentice. "Sith you are! You leave now and not spy on our meeting!"

"But you never actually kicked me _off_ the Council. Therefore I'm still a member." Vader replied, a smirk hidden under his black breath mask. Sometimes being a Sith could be _fun_. He would infuriate the little green alien and relieve his built up Solo-induced stress at the same time. It was sheer brilliance!

"Now you listen here!" Mace jumped off his mint green cushion and hurried forward to join Yoda. "A Sith _can't_ be on the Jedi Council! That's sheer nonsense!"

"But you never gave me a discharge form." Vader pointed out, pleased at his cleverness.

Just as Vader had predicted, the words threw Master Mace into a wild frenzy. "What, do we have to give you a stupid form? That's sheer craziness! _You_ voluntarily left the Council when you joined Palpatine! Besides, it was _Anakin Skywalker_ that was on the Council! You're _Darth Vader_!"

"But I'm still the same person…" Vader answered as he stubbornly crossed his arms over his chest and stared at the baldheaded man with his fearsome mask. "I have decided that I'm still a member until you properly discharge me. Besides, this is _my_ home you are meeting in. Need I remind you?"

"No wonder that kid of yours is such an imbecile!" Mace glowered. "Where is he anyway? He better be not with that Jade woman!"

Yes, where was Luke? Vader stretched out with the Force and soon sensed his son's presence rapidly approaching. The smirk on his face quickly faded as he realized that the boy was ill yet again. "That Solo and his poisonous cakes! I'll kill him yet!"

"Let go of your hatred you must!" Yoda wailed as he clung to the very bottom of Vader's cape. "Save you we will! Chosen One you are!"

"I never wanted to be the Chosen One." Vader replied as he spun around on his heel just in time to catch Luke. The sandy-haired boy stumbled into his arms, moaning. "Luke, are you ill?"

"Oh, I feel _terrible_!" Luke moaned as he clutched at his throat. The funny feeling in his stomach had built and built until the pressure was unbearable. "I … I think I'm going to throw up!"

"Not again!" Mace cried as he eyed the young man warily. "Now you listen here, son! We told you to stay away from that man's cakes! Proper Jedi don't become drug addicts!"

But Luke was far past listening to Mace's words of wisdom. Still clutching his throat, he shut his eyes tightly and opened his mouth. Then a bright plume of fire leaped out of it and headed right for Mace.

"AAAhhhhh!" Mace shrieked as he attempted to evade the cloud of fire but couldn't. His outer dark brown robe caught instantly and he wisely threw it off himself in one quick move.

"AAHHHHH! FIRE! FIRE!" Yoda yelped in a panic as he raced towards Mace's burning cloak that now lay on the floor.

Obi-Wan had been so startled that he fell off his cushion backward and now lay there with his legs kicking in the air.

A savage expression on his face, Mace started to jump up and down on the burning cloak in a lame attempt to put the fire out. This, of course, didn't work very well. His boots soon caught and the room was filled with the horrible stench of burning rubber. As the intense heat started to sink into the skin of his feet, Mace ran hobbling off in a new direction, each step lifting his feet incredibly high like a water-wading bird. "Oh, HOT! HOT! HOT!"

Yoda grabbed the lime green cushion from the floor and threw it atop the burning Jedi Robe, smothering the flames. When the fire was finally out, the little green alien sighed in relief and collapsed into a boneless heap.

Picking himself up off the floor, Obi-Wan stared wide-eyed at Luke. "How did you _do_ that?"

"I … I don't know…" Luke admitted honestly, his blue eyes even wider than Obi-Wan's.

"That's your excuse for everything!" Mace screamed angrily as he continued to walk like a stork, hopping from one foot to the other. "You _never_ know anything!"

"But….!" Luke stuttered, unsure what to say.

"I don't care about your butt, I want to know how you just breathed fire!" Mace insisted as he hobbled over towards the young would-be Jedi and his Sith father. "For all I know, you're developing new Sith powers!"

Luke scrunched his face up and plopped his hand over his nose. "Eewwww! Something stinks in here!"

"What kind of imbecile Jedi are you?" Mace continued. "You set my robe on fire and then complain when it stinks? Jedi are not concerned with bad smells! Jedi do their duty!"

Luke eyed Mace's still smoking boots with disgust. "Umm…"

"Yes? Now what is it?" Mace asked as he waited for an answer.

"Maybe you should wash your feet once in a while…" Luke suggested, sure the awful stink was wafting up from Windu's boots.

Before an argument could break out, Vader held up a black-gloved hand to signal silence. Turning his mask to Luke, he gazed down at the boy. He had no idea how his son could have breathed fire yet he had done so. Even Palpatine could not do that. The sight had truly disturbed him deeply, mainly because it had refreshed that awful day on that awful planet. Worst, there was the possibility that the boy was badly injured. The human mouth was not meant for fire breathing! "Son, are you all right?"

Luke paused and considered the question. The strange sensation in his stomach had faded, both the burning and pressure. "I … I guess so…"

"You did _not_ eat Solo's cake, did you?" Vader asked as he reached out with the Force towards the boy. If Luke tried to lie to him he would know.

"No, of course not! Qui-Gon gave me a cake!"

Mace moaned loudly as he smacked himself on the head. "That's all we need! _Two_ fire-breathing Jedi!"

Yoda and Mace exchanged a silent glance. They knew Qui-Gon had always been a rebel of sorts and often went against the Council. And now it seemed he was stirring up more trouble!

"Luke," Vader said as he put a black-gloved finger under his son's chin, lifting it so the boy could look at his mask. "I do not want you eating any more strange cakes! Is that clear?"

The boy nodded and then hung his head in shame. "I'm sorry…."

"It will be dinner soon." Vader replied. "You may then eat as much as you wish."

The Sith, of course, was determined to find out _exactly_ what Solo had put into the cake this time to cause fire breathing. He could not let such an act go unpunished. Besides, it may prove to be a useful talent. But not for him, no, he had had enough fire to last a dozen lifetimes.

Outside, Han Solo rested on the ramp of the Falcon as he glanced over the Employment Section of the Coruscant Times. "There must be _something_ in here that would please old Helmet Head…"

Vader had insisted that Solo find a new job if he wanted to marry his daughter, Leia. It was insane, really. Han didn't see why Vader made such a big fuss over being a smuggler when he was a Sith! Surely Sith were worst, weren't they? Still, he supposed he had better try. After reading ad after ad, one caught his eye. Some new company was moving to Coruscant and they needed someone to transport cargo. Han had never heard of this particular company but that didn't bother him at all. The job would be long-term and the pay exceedingly high. The ad also implied that the hauls were long-distance and the person needed their own vehicle. "This is perfect!"

Grinning at his good fortune, Han tore the ad from the paper and stuffed t into his pocket. Standing, he hurried into the Falcon so he could go call the number. He needed to set up an appointment. And with Vader backing him, he should be a sure thing! "Chewie! This is it! We're going to be filthy rich!"

"Groowwlll?"

"Yes, us! Look at this great job!" Han showed Chewie the ad.

"Rowwllll!"

"Who cares what the cargo is? If they're dumb enough to pay such a high price, why should I complain? It's probably due to the long distance…" Han hurried into the cockpit and punched the comm. button. After he dialed in the correct number, an old man appeared on the screen. "I'd like to apply for the job listed in the Coruscant Times, the one ferrying the cargo. I have my own ship, the _Millennium Falcon_. She's the fastest ship in the galaxy! Oh, the name's Solo, Captain Han Solo. Lord Vader will verify that I'm good for the job."

A cocky smile appeared on Han's face as he relaxed back in his pilot's seat and awaited the old man's reply.

A broad grin appeared on the elderly man's face. "Excellent! Please come by my new office tomorrow at nine AM and I'll give you the details then. I'm sure with Lord Vader's recommendations you'll get the job, Mr. Solo. Do you, by any chance, know anything about animals or wildlife?"

"I've been from one end of this galaxy to the other. I've seen all sorts of creatures. My co-pilot here is a Wookie. Chewie, say hello to the nice man."

"Grrrowwllll!"

The elderly man clapped his hands together with excitement. "How marvelous!"

After Han had written the man's address down, he shut the comm. off. "Well, old Helmet Head should be pleased!"

Whistling a jaunty tune, Han strolled from the _Falcon_ and entered Vader's castle. His stomach rumbled hungrily and he hoped the Sith had something to eat. Soon a delicious smell wafted to his nostrils and a grin appeared on his face. But the grin faulted when he suddenly remembered that the two Jedi had gotten sick from his cake. Both had stumbled off in pain and had vanished into the castle. Worry started to itch at his mind and he hoped the kid was OK. "Maybe Shmi was right and I shouldn't have put that egg in there…"

"Solo!" Vader said as he appeared from a nearby doorway. "What did you put into that cake this time? I am _not_ pleased with your behavior!"

"Look, Pops, I got a job interview tomorrow! It's what you wanted!"

Vader shook a black fist at Solo. "Do not try to change the subject! Your foul cooking has made Luke ill! He was breathing fire!"

Han rolled his eyes. "Look, Pops, I don't believe in that nonsense! First you got the hokey religion and now you expect me to believe in _dragons_? You're a real walking book of mythology!"

"There were dragons on Tatooine." Vader stated.

"Sure, but they didn't breath fire!" Han pointed out. "They were just large, dangerous lizards!"

"_What_ did you put in the cake?" Vader's voice was low and harsh.

"An egg, OK? I found some speckled egg!"

Vader scowled under his mask, his fury on the rise. How dare Solo steal eggs! "You do not believe in dragons, General Solo? Then perhaps it's time you met Quartzite."

A small pink dragon materialized on Vader's right shoulder, its long tail wrapped around his neck. The creature was about two feet tall and its large expressive eyes stared at Han. Sticking its long neck outward, the creature opened its mouth wide and hissed angrily at the smuggler.

"Uh oh!" Han muttered as he suddenly realized whom the egg might have belonged to.

To be continued…

Another note: I have decided to bring Quartzite (Anakin's pet Pseudo Dragon) over from "Pranks". If you want to see how Ani met him, read Pranks chapter 30. Hope that is OK. This story is pretty crazy anyway with appearances by Doc Brown and McCoy … why not a dragon? Can you imagine the bright pink against Vader's black armor? LOL!

Quartzite is mine, by the way.


	32. Dinner Disaster!

CWV 32

Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews! No, the old man who hired Han is not Palpatine. Our smuggler knows what Palpy looks like, remember and I do believe he called him an 'old mummy' in previous chapters. So you'll just have to wait and see who it is. Now on with the story…

"Uh oh!" Han muttered as he suddenly realized whom the egg might have belonged to.

Then a cocky smile appeared on the smuggler's face. Even if it was a dragon, it was just a tiny dragon. And worst, it was PINK! The longer Han watched Quartzite sitting on Vader's shoulder, the more ridiculous it looked. Soon he started to laugh, a shaking finger pointing at the colorful duo. "Mahahahaha!"

Vader glared at the man. "What are you laughing at?"

"The big bad Sith Lord has a pet … and its PINK!" Han gasped for air and leaned forward, one hand pressed against a thigh for balance. His body quivered as he was raked with more laughter. He hadn't laughed in a long time and now he couldn't control himself. The bright pink against Vader's black armor, it was more than he could stand. If only he could see how it looked…

"I see nothing funny, General Solo." Vader replied, menace suggested by his tone of voice. "Nor do I find it funny you have apparently cooked Quartzite's eggs."

"Well, you shouldn't leave them lying around!" Han managed to say through his laughter.

With lightning speed, the tiny pseudo dragon leaped off Vader's shoulder. Quartzite spread his wings and dived right at the still laughing smuggler. Before the man could react to what was happening, the pink lizard landed on his arm and sunk its sharp teeth into the tender flesh of his hand.

"Oow! It bit me!" Han cried as he felt the thing bite him. Angry now and the last trace of happiness disappearing instantly, he reached for the dragon's slim body. But before his other hand could close around it, it took off into the air and just _vanished_. Unknown to Han, the Pseudo Dragon had the ability of a chameleon. That is, it could match its skin color to any background so it became invisible. It also had Force powers and could do mostly anything a Jedi could. More importantly, it possessed the incredibly rare _Force Resistance_. This allowed it to repel attacks by other Force users and it shared this ability with its owner. Not that Han cared about any of that at the moment. The smuggler turned around in frantic circles as he searched for it, wild-eyed. "Where did it go? Where is it? I'll strangle the little thing!"

Vader stood with his arms folded in front of his chest, Quartzite's weight on his shoulder. General Solo could be incredibly stupid. How the man managed to survive all these years was a great mystery.

Han darted forward and peered underneath a nearby chair. Nothing. Next he checked inside a large vase, stupidly sticking his unbitten hand within to feel around. Once he was satisfied that the little dragon wasn't hiding inside the vase, he dashed towards a sofa. Grabbing the first cushion, he tossed it over his head carelessly and then repeated the maneuver again with a second cushion. It was at this part of the action that Obi-Wan made the mistake of entering the room. The smuggler dashed up to the startled Jedi and clutched onto his tabards, shaking. "Do something! That thing could be anywhere!"

"What thing?" Obi-Wan asked, confused.

"That pink menace!" Han replied.

"Well, I'm afraid I don't know anything about that." Obi-Wan admitted as he grabbed the other's hands and pulled them free of his clothing. "I just came to tell you that dinner is ready."

"Well, why didn't you say so?" Han eyed the Jedi suspiciously, as if he expected him to vanish, too. Then he jabbed a finger at Obi-Wan's nose. "You still owe me that money!"

"But I thought the Rebel Alliance paid you…" Obi-Wan stated. "When you arrived on Yavin Four…"

"Hmmph!" Han snorted. That money was long gone and he needed more, especially if he wanted to marry Leia. "Don't you get any ideas of vanishing."

"I was DEAD!" Obi-Wan exclaimed.

"Yeah, right!" Han rolled his eyes. "Do you expect me to believe that nonsense? Look, Gramps, I wasn't born yesterday. You just made yourself invisible like that drat pink lizard thing your buddy has. For all I know, you ARE that pink lizard!"

"What!" Obi-Wan cried, horrified. "I am NOT a pink lizard! I'm a Jedi Knight. And he is NOT my buddy! He's my former apprentice!"

"Whatever…" Han continued, dismissing the Jedi's words with a wave of his hand. He didn't care what the old guy said. Words were cheap, after all. "All I care about is the money you owe me for transporting you to Alderaan. You gave me two thousand… Hmm… let's see if I can figure out the interest…"

"Interest? You have got to be kidding!" Obi-Wan cried. "I was MURDERED!"

Han lifted his eyes off the banged-up calculator he had pulled off his belt. "Well, you don't look dead to me. In fact, I think you're a chronic liar, blabbing on about being dead and coming back to life and that nonsense about kooky old religions. Yep, you're a real nut case. But fruit loop or no fruit loop, you still owe me money. And until you pay it up I'll be on your back like mynocks on a power coupling."

"I don't believe this."

Han then waved his bitten hand in front of Obi-Wan's face. "And I'm charging you an extra two thousand for biting me!"

"That wasn't me." Obi-Wan shook his head. "What do you think I am, a kook?"

"Yeah." Han agreed as he turned his back on the Jedi and sauntered off towards the dining room.

As soon as Han had vanished, Obi-Wan turned to face his former apprentice. "This is your fault, Anakin. You still have that pink dragon, don't you?"

"At least Quartzite stayed with me. That's more than I can say for others…"

"Let's not argue about _that_ again, Anakin." Obi-Wan replied. He stared up at his former apprentice's black mask. He still felt partly guilty about leaving Anakin that day lying there. How could he have done such a thing? Even to this day he didn't know what had possessed him that day. "We both made mistakes and I regret those mistakes. I wish I could go back and change the past, but I can't. If I could, I would have been more aggressive with the Council. You weren't ready for an assignment on your own, no matter how skilled your Force powers were. If we would have stayed together you might not have fallen to the Dark Side that first time your mother died. But you have her back now. You have Padme back now. You have the family you always wanted and the Council can't say anything. Come back to me now, Anakin. Let go of the Dark Side. And I did stay with you in a fashion. I watched over Luke all those long years from a distance. I made sure nothing happened to him."

"My duty is to the Empire." Vader stated. Motioning with a black-gloved hand, he signaled for Obi-Wan to accompany him. "Let us go to dinner."

They entered the dining room to see it already filled with people. The empty seat at the head of the table, of course, was empty and reserved for Lord Vader. Padme, as Lord Vader's wife, was given the honor of sitting at the other end of the table. Luke would sit by his father's right side while Obi-Wan would sit on his left. The others would fill in the rest of the table, with Leia sitting by her mother. Han immediately claimed the seat across from Leia as his own and he grinned crookedly at Padme. He noted that she wore another weird basket on her head and he rolled his eyes. Vader took his seat and soon servants brought out the first course of the meal, which were appetizers.

"What the heck is THIS?" Han grumbled as he picked up an itty-bitty hot dog stuck to a stick. "Where's the FOOD? A man could STARVE eating in this place!"

Padme raised a hand to her open mouth, a look of utter horror on her face as she stared at her future Son-In-Law. "_Please_, General Solo! You're creating a scene!"

Han gawked at her blankly. "Huh?"

"A scene!" She hissed at him.

Han shoved the entire hot dog into his mouth and chewed. Within moments it was gone. Then he eyed the hot dog on Padme's plate. "You gonna eat that?"

"How rude!" She exclaimed, even more horrified. And worst, she noticed he had his _elbows_ on the table as well! It was becoming increasingly clear that he had no table manners to speak of!

Then Han leaned over the table itself, his chest pressed flat atop his now empty plate. He turned his head so he could see Vader down at the table's other end. "Hey! Are you going to actually serve any FOOD at this meal? I suppose you probably suck applesauce through the grates of that mask, but the rest of us are hungry!"

HO-PAH. HO-PAH. HO-PAH. HO-PAH.

"Well?" Han shouted. "I would think a guy so rich could afford better than little hot dogs…"

Vader's hands clenched into fists and he resisted the strong urge to choke Solo. He reminded himself that if he gave in to his feelings, his would loose his daughter. Leia was the only thing keeping the pest alive and Han knew it. Reciting the Jedi calming technique, Vader finally spoke. "That, General Solo, was only the first course. I doubt if you're experienced with multi-course meals."

"Oh." Han relaxed back into his chair and soon had a big bowl of soup before him. He rubbed his hands together with glee and soon started to suck it down, right from the bowl itself.

Padme stared horrified at him, her soupspoon partly raised in her hand.

Lifting his face from the bowl, Han gawked back at her. "What's the matter?"

Just then the doorbell rang, the loud sound echoing throughout the dining room. Within moments a gray-uniformed Imperial appeared and whispered to Lord Vader.

"Excuse me." Vader said and rose from his seat. Then he left the dining room to head towards the front door.

"I don't see why he sits at the table at all." Han stated as he paused in licking his empty bowl. "I mean, he's not eating!"

By now, Padme was turning slightly greenish from the smuggler's lack of table manners. Of course, she was too polite to actually _say_ something, because then _she_ wouldn't have any table manners. JarJar spearing a fruit with his tongue had been acceptable. He had been a Gungan, after all. But Solo was human. He should know better!

"You know," Han said as he peered at Padme with a worried look on his face. "You don't look too well. Are you sure you're feeling OK?"

"I … I feel fine." Padme managed to gasp out, a hand to her throat. Next time they ate she would make sure to request that one of the Jedi sat next to her…

Vader reached the front door of his castle and opened it.

"Ani, long times no see." Watto floated in the air at mask height to Vader, his wings beating fast. "Me hears you be Lord Vader now, er? Plenty rich! How's about you helps me out, er, Ani? Me business doing badly these days, lots of deadbeats no pay me. Me forced to sell store and now I have no where to live.."

Vader sighed inaudibly. It figured. Everyone else had moved in with him, why not Watto as well? "Very well, Watto. Why don't you join us for dinner?"

"That's great, Ani!" Watto said as he followed Vader into the dining room. There was an empty seat next to Shmi and Watto happily settled down into it. Master Mace was directly across the table from him and the Jedi paid the Toydarian no heed. Unfortunately, Han WAS paying attention. As soon as the little alien floated into the room behind Vader's tall imposing body, the smuggler locked his eyes on him.

Han's eyes narrowed and without warning he lunged across the table towards Watto. Bowls of soup went flying and Yoda was knocked out of his chair. "You! You're the one that bit me!"

"Aahhhh!" Watto cried as Han grabbed his snout and started yanking on it. The Toydarian floated up into the air and hovered above the table, shrieking for help.

"Han!" Leia cried, aghast. "Let go of that alien!"

"It bit me!" Han cried as he waved his bitten hand in front of her face.

Not paying the disturbance any mind, Qui-Gon finished his bowl of soup. The Jedi had been clever enough to actually hang onto his bowl of food so it had not spilled with the others. Putting the bowl back onto the table, he burped loudly. As he did so, a burst of flame leaped from his mouth towards Shmi, who sat directly across from him.

Startled, Shmi had enough mind to duck and the fire flew over her head and hit one of the gray-uniformed Imperials who acted as waiters. The unlucky man went shrieking from the room back towards the nearby kitchen.

Watto, feeling protective of Shmi even while his snout was being pulled by Han, flew closer to Qui-Gon and started kicking him in the head with his duck-like feet.

"Don't you breath fire at my Grandmother!" Luke, ever the hothead, leaped forward. He opened his mouth and willed a ball of fire to come out. To his delight, one did, but his aim was bad and it flew closer to Obi-Wan than Qui-Gon. Qui-Gon started to laugh at the farmboy's bad aim but started to choke when dark smoke emitted from his nose.

Obi-Wan, meanwhile, was forced to leap backward to avoid being burned. Him and his chair clattered to the floor with a loud thud.

Yoda had picked himself up off the floor and was busy pounding on Han's back with his cane. "Let go of that Toydarian you will!"

"Please!" Padme called with a clear voice over the loud ruckus from where she stood at the end of the table. "Can't we stop fighting so diplomacy can be used?"

Vader watched the disaster unfold before him and he hung onto his helmet with both hands. He heard the loud shouting in the kitchen and knew that Quartzite was stealing the roasted steaks … AGAIN. Dishes and crockery crashed to the floor and he could imagine the chef chasing the Pseudo Dragon with a big hatchet … AGAIN.

To be continued…


End file.
